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-   -   does it have a name? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2474)

lvfcs 04-08-2010 10:53 PM

does it have a name?
Hi, I come here for some guidance, I've been here before and feel bad to just post when things get ugly, but I dont know where else to ask.

I'll try to be short and explain the situation. I'm a girl, straight, who started a relationship with this couple who's been married for a very long time. I said couple, because the 'rule' since the beggining has been all or none. Even if I am only in love with him, I care very much for the both of them. My problems lay on the sexual aspect of the relationship. I am perfectly ok, in fact I am happy with all the other aspects like sharing lives together, activities and all that. Now we've been talking about trying to balance things better and have moments where I am intimate with him and him with her, and moments were we are all together without her and I being intimate. I hope I make sense.

Now the sleeping arrangements have always been we all sharing the same bed, with him in the middle. Wich are ok with me, but they tend to become sexual. I am actually very conflicted, because I love him, and I want to continue with this relationship, but at the same time I dont know how to get past this feeling of having to endure something I'm not really comfortable with.

I hope you can shade some light, thx!

noob 04-08-2010 11:03 PM

You shouldn't have to have sex with anyone you don't want to have sex with, no matter what the other parties want. If he really cares about you, he should respect that completely.

Ariakas 04-08-2010 11:24 PM

My immediate observation is sleeping in the same bed is asking for trouble imo. (not assigning blame btw, just making an observation)...it might be time to look at changing the sleeping arrangements. :)

WaywardDruid 04-08-2010 11:27 PM

Stand firm...
You should sit down with him or better both of them and state your boundaries and limits to your V. It is a V with him at the point and you and his wife at the ends. You state firmly that you want just sex with him and that being the case get away from this 3 in a bed routine unless it's just for his pleasure. "IF" this is not something the couple can come to terms with then they aren't really seeking a poly relationship imo but just looking for a unicorn that will get hurt in the end.

Just Me,

LovingRadiance 04-09-2010 12:25 AM

I agree with previous comments.
I wanted to say-AS a hinge (woman) in love with two straight men I see this as a HUGE disrespect of BOTH of them towards you.

I would LOVE to sleep with both my men all of the time in THEORY-because I love both of them.

We've only ever done that ONE TIME.
We've only ever done anything sexual all together ONE time (same time).

It was wonderful. They knew I was having a REALLY serious surgery the next morning, I was emotional, I was stressed.

Maca agreed to drag our mattress upstairs to the livingroom (so as not to "invade" either of their bedrooms) and we could sleep there. The plan was for just cuddling and sleep.
Maca knew I would love more-but I would not ask.
He instigated it by asking GG if he was ok with it for that moment.
GG agreed.
They made a night of each of them pleasuring me.

I would NEVER disrespect them and ask them to be together just because it's what I want. That's unreasonable and unfair!

MonoVCPHG 04-09-2010 12:29 AM

We sometimes sleep in the same bed...usually nothing sexual but because we have both loved Redpepper together several times we have a pretty deep bond and appreciation for what that brought into our relationship. I definitely do not think you should be doing anything that you are not comfortable with as well.

As per everyone else's opinion...be honest and upfront.

EugenePoet 04-09-2010 01:39 AM

Yep to all that's been written. LVFCS, you and I and MonoVCPHG are all secondaries: lovers of someone who is in a poly marriage.

Someone posted a link to the Secondary's Bill of Rights on another thread.


In a nutshell: I have the right to be treated with dignity, respect, consideration, and courtesy. This is true of any relationship, regardless of its form and regardless of its status. Using the word "right" in this context means "This is something that it is reasonable and normal for me to expect, and reasonable and normal for my partner to give me."
The discussion there has a lot of good ideas.

ladyjools 04-09-2010 01:43 AM

i agree with everyone else, if it doesn't feel right you need to have enough respect for yourself to say no, if he loves you and she respects and care about you like they should then this should not be something you are made to do,


lvfcs 04-09-2010 12:48 PM

thank you
I agree with all of you. The Secondary Bill of rights helped a lot to see all under a new light, thank you EugenePoet :)

Thank you LovingRadiance, I'm kind on envious of your V, I hope he would think more like you and not so much on his needs and desires. But at the same time as a secondary I must choose what I consider the best for me and what I'm capable of doing, and since they as primaries have stablished this 'rule' and need for it to be present, then I have do to what is best for myself.

Thank you all of you guys, your different perspectives have given me the strenght I seemed to be lacking to stand for myself. I'll talk to them tonight. Wish me luck!

EugenePoet 04-09-2010 01:28 PM

-- Actually, my thanks to whomever posted the original link to the "Bill." I just piggybacked.

Reading through the "Bill" I find that the couple I'm involved with already give me the things listed there. I don't know if they evolved this behavior independently -- I know they discuss ethics and ways of living ethically sometimes -- or whether they absorbed the ideas from various books. Could be some of both, of course. Whatever the genesis, I'm damned lucky: I have personal boundaries, but they've never even started to cross them.

But the main thing, lvfcs, there are vees and triads who have created ethically and aesthetically balanced relationships in which all parties receive consideration. It's done, and done well.

It could be that the couple you are with simply haven't thought about things very carefully. It could be that they can grow the relationship into something that is properly considerate to everyone involved. That would be beautiful.

But if you feel that you are being used, that's another matter. I think everyone on the forum would support you against that.

So, yes, good luck!

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