Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   sometimes, we have to accept that we cannot help some times (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24712)

polypenguin 06-13-2012 03:01 PM

sometimes, we have to accept that we cannot help some times
 
so I arrived at a conclusion this morning: there are times in life where we have to accept that we cannot help someone. They have to help themselves.

it is difficult to be powerless, and watch someone in pain or anguish. Especially if you love them.

ThatGirlInGray 06-13-2012 03:31 PM

True. Sad, but true. I struggle with this a lot. :(

CielDuMatin 06-13-2012 04:22 PM

Absolutely - we can't fix the world. It's a hard lesson for those of us who want to try, but we end up just getting mired in other people's crap without any real hope of helping anything.

Because we end up not helping, often the people we are trying to help get resentful of our meddling.

I learned a long while ago that the best way is to focus my efforts on those folks where I can really make a positive difference, not the long shots.

polypenguin 06-13-2012 05:04 PM

yeah, it's painful to bang your head against someone else's wall. But in the end, you are the one who chooses to bang your head, not them.

km34 06-13-2012 11:49 PM

Very, very true.

I've only been in this situation once, when a very dear friend (borderline girlfriend) was refusing to get help for a drug problem and abusive relationship. After I cut ties with her because I couldn't watch her destructive behavior which was adversely affecting my health as well, she finally moved back in with her parents in another state and got help. Last I heard she was finally on her own again and happy and healthy. I couldn't make her do it (as hard as I tried), she had to WANT to get out of that situation.

It sucks, but all you can do is support the people you love as much as you can. It sucks even more when you can't even do that anymore without hurting yourself too much.

PinkDragon 06-14-2012 02:18 AM

Very true! But oh, so hard to do!

Pretzels 06-14-2012 04:26 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by polypenguin (Post 139541)
so I arrived at a conclusion this morning: there are times in life where we have to accept that we cannot help someone. They have to help themselves.

it is difficult to be powerless, and watch someone in pain or anguish. Especially if you love them.

T and I went through almost two months of hell with E along these very lines. He kept pushing us away and saying he wanted to be by himself. That was easier for me since I'm only home on weekends, but a tougher, yet ultimately necessary, choice for T.

After T left and E got all the alone time he wanted, E came to the realization that what he was asking for, for us to leave, wasn't what he wanted long-term. It was just what he needed short-term to come to understand what was really important to him.

Here's hoping your situation gets the same dose of space and perspective it needs to heal.

Magdlyn 06-14-2012 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by km34 (Post 139591)
Very, very true.

I've only been in this situation once, when a very dear friend (borderline girlfriend) was refusing to get help for a drug problem and abusive relationship. After I cut ties with her because I couldn't watch her destructive behavior which was adversely affecting my health as well, she finally moved back in with her parents in another state and got help. Last I heard she was finally on her own again and happy and healthy. I couldn't make her do it (as hard as I tried), she had to WANT to get out of that situation.

Borderline personality disorder is a terrible disease. My 24 year old daughter suffers from this. My ex-husband and I can't have her live with either of us, as she lies and steals. She has struggled to stay sober, but has fallen off the wagon recently and we havent heard from her in 2 or 3 weeks now. It sucks royal ass. I doubt she will ever be "happy and healthy..." sigh...

feelyunicorn 06-14-2012 10:42 AM

I find it conceited to assume that we are helping someone, when the recepient does not ask for help. I often see this co-dependent dynamic, whereby the 'saver' gets the moral high-ground, and the 'saved' gets the all the attention and mooching.

In fact, that pretty much describes the longest relationship I had. Ain`t telling which side I was on! :D

km34 06-14-2012 11:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by feelyunicorn (Post 139622)
I find it conceited to assume that we are helping someone, when the recepient does not ask for help. I often see this co-dependent dynamic, whereby the 'saver' gets the moral high-ground, and the 'saved' gets the all the attention and mooching.

In fact, that pretty much describes the longest relationship I had. Ain`t telling which side I was on! :D

Do you think it is always conceited to try to save or only when it is based on an assumption of the need for saving?

I could understand this feeling about certain situations where it is assumed by one party that the other needs help, but not so much when the person admits they need help. An admission of a problem isn't the same as wanting to solve it, but I wouldn't find it conceited to try to "save" a person from something that is an acknowledged issue.


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:18 AM.