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-   -   what if I'm just an asshole? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2471)

noob 04-08-2010 05:34 PM

what if I'm just an asshole?
This is the question echoing in my head all day today.

I think there must be some kind of "coming out to yourself as poly" 5 stage process...and one of the stages is thinking you're just an incredible asshole :(

All through high school and college, I always, always had extra-relationship "affairs." I simply wasn't, apparently, capable of being "faithful" to one person. Curiosity or circumstance always got the better of me, even if I didn't go out "looking." In my marriage, I have stuck to monogamy, but it's easier when you're living with someone; I have a kid and a career and a house and no time.

The happiest I ever was in high school was when I had two boyfriends, but then I felt horrible when they wouldn't accept each other and I had to choose. I didn't want to choose; I wanted them both, but I had no model for that and truly believed that I had to choose.

Now that I've met someone (and am falling hard for him), I am trying to use a poly model to break out of that "you have to choose" monogamy ideology, which has only ever served to make me miserable, and I'm being as honest as I can with my husband and my OSO...

But in some ways, I feel like I'm back in HS. The self-doubting part of me says I'm just trying to have my cake and eat it too, I'm being selfish, I'm a bad person, etc., etc.

Do you think that my past is somehow "proof" or evidence that I am poly-oriented? Stupid question, right? I don't know...I feel like I am doing something wrong, even though I am happy. Someone more experienced than me, please help :o

kamala 04-08-2010 05:42 PM

Well, who knows, but I think a real asshole doesn't consider the question of how much of an asshole they are? :o

noob 04-08-2010 05:45 PM

HA! You made me laugh, which is a welcome departure from sitting around feeling like an asshole ;)

idealist 04-08-2010 06:04 PM

This is how I approach it within myself. I ask myself these questions. Am I in love with these people? Do I desire to develop deeper connections with them? Are we all able to be open and honest about our thoughts and feelings? Do we all respect and trust one another? If my answer is "no" to any of these, then I begin to focus on how to develop things so that this is what I have. It takes the focus off of me not being perfect and gives me a goal....something to work on......like right now I am working on earning the trust of Holland. She is Charle's primary lover and I am his secondary. She didn't choose polyamory, but has just fallen into it. She vacilates between loving me and being mad at me. So, gradually and with patience, I have to earn her trust....by showing her (not just telling her) that "It's okay" and "I'm not a threat to you" "I'm not trying to take Charles away from you" etc. It's a process. Be kind to yourself !!

MonoVCPHG 04-08-2010 06:39 PM

Why do assholes get such a bum rap?

Ariakas 04-08-2010 06:45 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 25941)
Why do assholes get such a bum rap?

oh come on...you didn't just do that did you hahaha...

MonoVCPHG 04-08-2010 06:57 PM


Originally Posted by Ariakas (Post 25942)
oh come on...you didn't just do that did you hahaha...

I can't stop it...it just comes out :o

noob 04-08-2010 07:38 PM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 25943)
I can't stop it...it just comes out :o

You are hilarious (corny, but hilarious!)

So since you dipped a toe into my thread, mono...I want to ask, how did you know that redpepper wasn't just an asshole? I mean, sorry redpepper, that sounds bad. I like you a lot. But you know what I mean. What makes it clear that someone who is pursuing multiple relationships at the same time is "poly" versus just...trying to have her cake and eat it too just because.

Is it the honesty factor? Like if I were just trying to get my thrills, why go through the trouble of being upfront about what I'm doing?

I mean, wouldn't someone say "Everyone would want to be with more than one person if they could? Why do you think you deserve that? Why are you above the rules?" Of course, as a self-declared "hard-wired mono," you would say no, not everyone does want what I want.

Do you think you could ever want it, under any circumstance?

MonoVCPHG 04-08-2010 08:22 PM


Originally Posted by noob (Post 25956)

Do you think you could ever want it, under any circumstance?


When I love someone they get it all. Whatever time I have is theirs, whatever money I have for dinners and dates I have they get it all, whatever passion I have they get, what ever secrets I need to share are theirs. I'm not a NRE junky or possess a need for variety; I can generate new spectrums of sexual excitement with one person; when I find something I like I stick with it. I pride myself in only sharing my body with one person in a world of so many others, when I say I love you I want my partner to be clear that those words belong to her and are not whispered to anyone else in moments of passion..that she is "the one". When I go to bed with my partner I like that she never has to look into my eyes and wonder if I am secretly longing to lie next to another. When I breathe into her ear as we have sex I like that she knows there are no other ears I am breathing into the same way.
My partner is special to me and regardless how long the relationship lasts she will get all of me. I AM a sum-zero partner.
Connection is what I want and drives me. My partner deserves all of my connection whether I am with her or not. When my thoughts turn to who I "love" it is her.

I don't expect my partner to share all the activities I enjoy or fulfill my desire to experience all the things I want. I have other people to do that with, but they only get to share in certain aspects of who I am…she gets to share in all of them.

I do not expect to be loved in the same way however....I'm ok with that :)

Redpepper exudes trust...that is what drew me to her. That is what will always remain.

I should mention...I can be quite an asshole too. Usually because I am so self assured and sometimes have a sense that I "have it all figured out"....Redpepper would agree on that I think ;)

LovingRadiance 04-09-2010 12:57 AM


Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 25943)
I can't stop it...it just comes out :o

You must not be taking narcotic pain meds then...... :eek:

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