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-   -   Rules? Annoying or necessary? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2470)

Marco 04-08-2010 01:36 PM

Rules? Annoying or necessary?
 
When my quad started out, we had rules. I'm sure every new Polyamorous relationship does. Or maybe not.

But after awhile aren't the rules annoyingly restrictive? Making individual relationships seem less than authentic? Like you two can't really be yourselves without upsetting their significant other?

MonoVCPHG 04-08-2010 02:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marco (Post 25898)
But after awhile aren't the rules annoyingly restrictive? Making individual relationships seem less than authentic? Like you two can't really be yourselves without upsetting their significant other?


I think this would be a individual thing. For some I'm sure rules/boundaries are agreed upon with the idea that they are a starting point to build stability so that eventually they can be relaxed and maybe even removed. There are also the rules/boundaries that are core to the sustainability of a relationship for either both or one of the partners.

If you are feeling held back the only thing you can do is take that head on and see what if any give or flexibilty there is to feel free within your relationship. For some, certain rules have no flexibility and in that case, the end or reshaping of the relationship may be required for both to be healthy in the long run....for others the relationship may morph and expectations may change and be sustainable in a new and "less restrictive" manner.

GroundedSpirit 04-08-2010 03:04 PM

I guess I look at "rules" as functioning like speed limits.
When we are new to driving and the physics involved, it may be necessary for someone to lay down some guidelines that protect us from ourselves and or own ignorance.
But long term, one would HOPE that any need for rules would fade away and be replaced with something flexible enough to accommodate all the twists and turns of the road. Rules are no substitute for good judgment, a caring outlook and knowledge/experience. Once these pieces are in place "rules" become rigid, counter productive and archaic.

GS

korindino 04-08-2010 03:13 PM

I suppose it depends on the rules, but I guess it might be restrictive.

What is important is to understand the spirit of the rule, not the letter of it. When you and your partners set forth these boundaries, did they explain why they wanted them? This is the heart of the matter.

If you feel like the rules are restricting you, talk to your primary. Figure out why they made those rules. Chances are it has to do with some insecurity or fear--and you're going to have to meet that fear with love. If you do this, maybe you'll figure out a way to understand what your partner needs from you before you can be less restricted within the quad.

Good luck.

MonoVCPHG 04-08-2010 03:33 PM

I'm starting to reconsider the idea of the word "rules" or boundaries. I think I prefer the word "criteria".

Simply put, I have criteria to share myself in certain ways, other people also have criteria. If those criteria don't conflict than there is positivity and potential. If they do conflict than their is a logical outcome to the question of compatibility.

Rules imply restriction for sure. But those restrictions generally only bind one partner at a time I find, their often one sided.

In a truly monogamous relationship their is no rule that says you have to be sexually exclusive because it is the natural way for both who enter it. The couple is not being exclusive because they "have to" (unless one is actually not monogamous), they are being exclusive because that is how they show love and commitment and how they want to receive it. That is the criteria they have to share their lives in that way.

So if I stand up and say I have a rule I need my partner to follow, that is self serving and definitely takes a certain power away from their individuality. But if I express the criteria I need to share myself in a certain way than the power remains with my partner to decide if I meet their criteria to share in their life.

LovingRadiance 04-09-2010 04:21 AM

I agree with Mon.

I don't have any "rules" for relationship....

Ok-no-I do, have one;
I am in charge of my kids-it's my way or the highway-period.

Everything else is just a criteria.
I have LOTS of friends who don't meet my "lover criteria" and that's ok.

Marco 04-09-2010 01:09 PM

Criteria? It does sound lighter and I suppose expected in any kind of committed relationship.

My main gripe is when a rule/criteria seems have to faded with time only to come back and cause more imposition. Sort of like a dog who thought he was set loose and sets off running, then bamn!...the leash chokes the crap out of him. Eh, just have to deal with them at a reasonable and comfortable pace for all, huh?

MonoVCPHG 04-09-2010 01:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marco (Post 26072)
Criteria? It does sound lighter and I suppose expected in any kind of committed relationship.

My main gripe is when a rule/criteria seems have to faded with time only to come back and cause more imposition. Sort of like a dog who thought he was set loose and sets off running, then bamn!...the leash chokes the crap out of him. Eh, just have to deal with them at a reasonable and comfortable pace for all, huh?

It sounds like you have personally experienced something like this? I'm not sure it happens a lot. I have boundaries that can be shifted or modified, but my "criteria" is fundamental to who I am....there's no relaxing but an increase in stability as time goes on. If there is an issue with incomparable criteria than that will be looked at as will the relationship.

Care to share a bit more?

LovingRadiance 04-09-2010 05:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marco (Post 26072)
Criteria? It does sound lighter and I suppose expected in any kind of committed relationship.

My main gripe is when a rule/criteria seems have to faded with time only to come back and cause more imposition. Sort of like a dog who thought he was set loose and sets off running, then bamn!...the leash chokes the crap out of him. Eh, just have to deal with them at a reasonable and comfortable pace for all, huh?

I am really good (pat on self's back) at coming up with creative solutions, but not unless you want to get more specific.

Generally you do have to work with the limitations of the "weakest link" in a chain.
But often times there are ways to strengthen that link.......

Marco 04-12-2010 12:50 PM

I guess I'm just speaking in an overall broad sense. At first everyone's allowed to openly address each other with whatever pet name you felt comfortable with...then later, nope. The word becomes like nails on a chalkboard to their significant other. The name even gets changed on their cell phone back to your real name. Then later it's OK again...like a Yo-Yo effect. Seems insignificant but frustrating. Who knows, I probably just read too much into things anyways.


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