Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   loss of a spouse/love (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=247)

vampiresscammy 05-10-2009 05:13 PM

loss of a spouse/love
has anyone had the misfortune to deal with this? loosing one of your loves/spouses/so's?

I ask for several reasons, I've looked online and have generally only found support sites for those married folks who have lost their one and only spouse, but nothing for those of us with many loves, spiritual spouses, and significant others.

And, two years ago I lost my lady love, its been rough ever since and in my search to find some place online to seek help I found nothing for my unigue situation. Its a shame we seem to have no support type places to go when we could really use it. In this time my husband has been so wonderful supporting me, but DP (my other love) did not handle it well at all and in general will not discuss it with me and changes topic when I try to bring it up.

DP and my lady love were friends for many many years before I ever met them, so I'm sure its quite difficult for him to have lost her after so many years together, but its been hard talking with him and knowing I can't breach this subject.

DP and I live in different states, we always have, it was never an issue for us, the long distance did not deter us from persueing one other or for me my lady love. Since my lady love passed, I feel myself quite reluctant to give anyone a chance to get near my heart.

I know there is always a time for dealing with the loss and healing, but it still hurts so much to know shes gone. I guess I just want to know someone else has gone through this and it will eventually get easier and I will stop crying when I think of her and be able to just rememebr all the wondrful things about her and not hurt so much when my mind drifts to thoughts of her.

Quath 05-10-2009 07:58 PM

I think that most of the tools needed to deal with losing a monogamous spouse would apply for losing a polyamorous partner. Some people may think the pain is less because you are with others, but from what I hear, it is not diminished.

It sounds like what you are looking for is sympathetic listening to your grief. It may help to tell the community here, but we don't know the situation as well as your partners do.

I think it is good to take time before you expose your heart against after it has been injured.

Sorry for your loss.

Danny40179 05-14-2009 09:07 PM

Vamp, four years ago my wife and I lost our first gf. I'm still dealing with it today. Quath is right in that the tools to deal with grief are pretty much the same whether you're in a poly or mono relationship. He's also right that you have to take time to heal and deal with things on your terms.

Everyone deals with grief differently, just know that there's no RIGHT way to deal with it. It's completely up to you. I will say that I ended up seeing someone and that helped. What worked best for me was when I got my memorial tattoo of her. (Warning, this is not suggested for everyone) She'll always be by my side. My wife has a tattoo of our gf as well which is great cause I can look at her picture anytime I want.

"Time doesn't take pain away, it only dulls the blade" When I realized that this was completely true, I was able to start the healing process. I felt that if I moved on I was forgetting her. That wasn't the case at all. It also helps to have a great support system. We were very fortunate that our current gf was there when our first gf passed away. We weren't together, but we were friends at the time. Our current gf never gets upset when I talk about our first gf, or even just sit and cry. She's amazing.

We also know that our first gf is around us all the time. All of us. We can feel her presence and know that she's watching over us. Know that your "lady love" (sweet) is always with you, in your thoughts and especially in your heart. She's your angel now, watching over you and your loved ones because she loves you and wants you to be happy. :)

If you ever need to talk, please feel free to drop me a line. Good luck and you'll get through things when you're ready to.

Mark1npt 05-14-2009 09:33 PM

Wonderful post Danny.....you are right, grief is grief. It doesn't matter, where, who or in what context. We all have to deal with it at one time or another. I hope your words can help bring some comfort to this discussion.

Danny40179 05-14-2009 09:40 PM

Thank you mark. I'd rather not have any insight on something like this, but since I do, I hope that I can provide whatever comfort possible. Thanks for the kind words Mark.

vampiresscammy 05-15-2009 11:32 AM

Thank you Quath, Danny and Mark for taking the time to respond and your kind words :)

Danny - I just might take you up on that offer to talk sometime if you really don't mind.

Danny40179 05-15-2009 08:03 PM

Vamp you are more than welcome to message me or email me. Like I said, I'm still dealing with her loss today and know that I'm going to be for the rest of my life. I think it would help us both to talk. :)

All times are GMT. The time now is 04:28 AM.