Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   General Poly Discussions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=2)
-   -   Relationship theory (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2469)

redpepper 04-08-2010 07:04 AM

Relationship theory
 
We talk around here a lot about how to be good partners and have good relationships. Nerdist reads a lot and I have always been interested in relationships and me in them. Last night we talked about how we seem to manage things a certain way and it seems to work for us. Mono and I talked about it too, but in all together a different way. Such is what I love about my relationships... same topic, different way of seeing it.

Some where along the line we went from being at each others throats Nerdist and I with our demands and self centered statements that always seemed to start with "you," to what Nerdist likes to call, "depositing positive energy into our emotional bank account." The whole idea being that one gives positive energy to the relationship as much as one can, when one can.

We learned a version of this in the communicating course that we took before we got married and have turned it all into our own way of being with each other and in our relationships. We are essentially our own best friends and then each others.

My way of seeing it is that I try to treat each person as if I were a guest in their lives but also a host. What I mean is that I am invited into their lives and should act like a guest as a result. To be welcomed in by anyone is an honour in my eyes. I should do my best to show them respect, compassion, honour them and have good manners in all senses. A guest also is interested in the person that has welcomed them in and is full of wonder. I should make sure that I give the person space to grow and learn for themselves.

I am also hosting them to my life and have welcomed them in too. I expect that I also will be honoured, respected, my things be respected, my home be respected (my body too), that I am shown compassion and good manners in terms of showing up for events, being careful to speak a certain way around my child, ask if I want to do such and such rather than assume, call me when you say you will, etc. All these things are what I value in other people and what I value for myself. I expect space to grow and learn for myself but also to hear others stories and opinions of what I do while keeping my integrity in tact as I would endeavor to keep theirs intact also. I want to be interesting and full of wonder for those in my life and always be a joy to be around... or at least loved and appreciated when I'm not. As I would want to give to them in the same way.

This to me is a deep level of being with others and profoundly powerful and leaves me in awe. Those that I relate to in this way become close to me for life it seems and those who don't I either relegate to "people I know" or don't have in my life at all.

I'm sure we all have ways of searching for those that fit our lives and those that search for us.

ImaginaryIllusion 04-08-2010 01:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 25892)
My way of seeing it is that I try to treat each person as if I were a guest in their lives but also a host. What I mean is that I am invited into their lives and should act like a guest as a result. To be welcomed in by anyone is an honour in my eyes. I should do my best to show them respect, compassion, honour them and have good manners in all senses. A guest also is interested in the person that has welcomed them in and is full of wonder. I should make sure that I give the person space to grow and learn for themselves.

I am also hosting them to my life and have welcomed them in too. I expect that I also will be honoured, respected, my things be respected, my home be respected (my body too), that I am shown compassion and good manners in terms of showing up for events, being careful to speak a certain way around my child, ask if I want to do such and such rather than assume, call me when you say you will, etc. All these things are what I value in other people and what I value for myself. I expect space to grow and learn for myself but also to hear others stories and opinions of what I do while keeping my integrity in tact as I would endeavor to keep theirs intact also. I want to be interesting and full of wonder for those in my life and always be a joy to be around... or at least loved and appreciated when I'm not. As I would want to give to them in the same way.

This is just awesome...and unfortunately I have nothing to add to it...just pointing at the awesome.

MonoVCPHG 04-08-2010 02:13 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ImaginaryIllusion (Post 25899)
This is just awesome...and unfortunately I have nothing to add to it...just pointing at the awesome.

I agree :)

GroundedSpirit 04-08-2010 03:07 PM

Yes - excellent RP !
Isn't it ironic that at one time most everyone just lived like that ?
It's that simple. But somehow we lost it.

GS

LovingRadiance 04-09-2010 04:24 AM

Awesome post RP. :)

idealist 04-13-2010 04:02 AM

I just ran across your Relationship Theory and found it to be very practical. This is an easy to understand concept that would serve to enhance any relationship. I resonate with a lot of the things you have to say; your thoughts and your personal sharings! Thanks!

foxflame88 04-13-2010 06:56 AM

As I sit here at 3am with insomnia, your post really sparked something. TFS!

Morningglory629 04-13-2010 07:42 AM

Gratitude for some late night inspiration
 
Wow! At 3:37 am, I am glad I checked back before logging off the board. I have been searching for this inspiration and I hope my OSO and his SO read this. We so need to get our lives into the right perspective. Thanks for your post. Gave ME some positive energy. I hope to pass it onto my SO and my OSO.

redpepper 04-13-2010 09:48 PM

In the communication workshop I hosted last night the facilitator talked about something similar to what I have written here. She spoke a lot about how needs are at the root of all communication and that needs are always the positive. If we find the *need* in each other and go from there then we will be allowed to be vulnerable to each other and help each other reach our goal of meeting our needs. Which brings us closer together and makes us all connected. She said that all human beings in her belief want to give and be useful and helpful. Its one of the most universal and basic needs. Therefore we deeply need to find ways to connect through helping fulfill our needs and others.

Unfortunately we get caught up in our practice of diagnosing others, judging (which is really a guise for a need not being met), demanding from others and blaming others for our interpretation of what has happened in our lives, not for what actually has happened (the bare none facts). All these things keep us from looking at and living in what we need and working towards getting it. If we start really thinking every moment what our needs are and being interested in other peoples needs then our connections and communication would make our lives more joyous. Also a need. The need for joy.

She talked about relationships being a series of saying *please* and *thank you* to each other. Similar to my idea about being a good *guest* in each others lives and a good *host* to others in ours. I see how saying please help me with my need to be loved, respected, independant, to be help you etc. And thank you for helping me with my need to be cared for, be listened to, be able to care for you.

I'm still mulling it all over in my head. There is so much to process in it all. I find it so exciting!

Many of the books that are listed in our forum book section she quoted from or used the theory from not just Dr. Marshall Rosenbergs book, "non violent communication."

LovingRadiance 04-13-2010 11:04 PM

Very cool RP, keep sharing!
I copied it for the guys. ;)


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:23 AM.