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-   -   Hello from Wisconsin (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24685)

Petunia 06-12-2012 06:35 PM

Hello from Wisconsin
Hello Poly Peeps,

My fiance, Anders, and I are new to polyamory. Around a year and a half ago I started us down the BDSM pathway. It went something like this...out for breakfast at a popular cafe...sitting at the counter...each of us reading a section of the Sunday paper...

me: I think we should buy handcuffs.
him: drops paper/big grin/bright eyes

Relationship meter went from mediocre to awesome. (Not without a lot of barriers coming down and some painful opening up, but we've resurrected our 13 year old relationship and made it better than ever.)

Initially when we started down the kink path Anders wasn't too keen on anyone other than himself playing with me, but with discussion and time he became more open to that idea with select individuals. By New Years 2012 he gave me carte blanche to play with females. Yippee! "Thank you, thank you, thank you...except you do realize that I identify as heterosexual, right?" :p

In January, via a kinky friend (K) and one of her bf's (R), the poly seed was planted. :) Ah, I need to clarify...it was planted in my head only, as Anders wasn't there for the discussion. And like the curious cat that I am, I got busy researching polyamory and open relationships.

Meanwhile a close friend in our kink community suggested a four-way. Anders was 100% in. Whoa. I guess he got past his sharing hang up! :D

After hot-sex-with-multiple-people-day I worked up my courage to broach the subject of opening up our relationship.

<major paraphrasing>

me: I'd like to discuss the idea of consensual non-monogamy. It's something I think I'd like to do.
Anders: If that's how you feel, then we should probably cancel our wedding.

<lots of back pedaling on my behalf>

In March R had a party and invited us. One of R's girlfriends (A) later told R that they should have hooked up with us. R told me, I told Anders and a date in April was set.

Following our second multi-person-hotness event, Anders' ideas about polyamory started shifting. (As did my ideas about girls.)

He's since spent some time visiting A in her city which is several hours away from where we live. He's had his heart twisted a time or two as she's not really sure she wants to start something up or if poly is her thing. (R was her only guy.) They've had some really good conversations on the phone. And he has another overnighter planned for this month.

I have multiple of opportunities - I just need to bite the bullet and make some plans to meet people. I wonder if I'll remember how to flirt after so many years with one man. :o

We're at a fun, scary, very unsure point in all of this.

CielDuMatin 06-12-2012 10:03 PM

Welcome to the forum!

The journey to poly can be a bumpy one, for sure. Lots of self-discovery, of opening doors that you previously thought were closed. Societal conditioning can have a massive impact as well, along with the "what if people found out" issue.

But it sounds like you are being open with each other, and communicating as your needs evolve. And that's great!

kdt26417 06-13-2012 03:29 AM

Hi Petunia,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like polyamory might be something that could work for you and Anders, as long as you take it slow and give him time to process. Popular/traditional society ingrains us with a lot of ideas about monogamy being "the one and only way."

However you work it out, I hope this online community will be a positive part of your journey. There will be many people who can benefit from your story as well.

Glad to meet you here.
Kevin T.

Petunia 06-14-2012 03:01 PM

Thanks, CielDuMatin!

Yes, I think you are right about taking it slow and letting him process things. I am trying to do just that. I did go on my first official date on Tuesday and it was a lot of fun and we really clicked.

Last night we had an issue to deal with and it stems from me having more time at night (he is out of town two to three nights, sometimes more, every week) to explore things online. It results in me being miles ahead mentally on a new shiny and then having to retrace my steps to get back to where I started when I try to bring him into my new bright and shiny. I'm also the type that researches things in depth when my attention is caught. And I'm more than willing to leap from online to RL to continue on my quest. This week I revealed that I had met someone from the online world in early Spring to discuss poly and nonmonogamy without his knowlege. Let's just say he's sick of my surprises and springing things on him, and he's upset with my risk taking.

And I am tired of living like that. I want to be more transparent and open with him. I think we are close enough now that I feel I can do that, however, my actions aren't always a reflection of that. Old habits are hard to break. And I can't always trust that he's going to be receptive. I need to trust more and accept that sometimes what I want may not be in my or our best interest.

I'm so sick of me and that I do things this way. I never knew what a project I'd become when we started working on our relationship last year. LOL. Gak. On the surface I'm easy going and easy to live with, but below the surface I'm always entertaining myself and that can lead me down some paths that aren't so noble. When things get rough due to the opening up I question why I am pursuing it. Do I really need it? Is it just another thing that sounds cool and is tempting? And then I remember all the subterfuge and I know that in order to live ethically and fully I do need to take this path. And I remind myself of the closeness that comes as a result of being open and sharing things I once would have kept private. There are many benefits, but it really does take work.

Thanks for the welcome and I'm sure this forum is going to be very helpful. :)

Petunia 06-14-2012 03:04 PM

Thanks, kdt26417!


Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 139491)
Popular/traditional society ingrains us with a lot of ideas about monogamy being "the one and only way."

I'm continually surprised by how ingrained all of this is. It catches me often and I have to stop and examine my reactions/thought processes.

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