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-   -   I hate it when I have a desperate need to possess my lover. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2467)

idealist 04-08-2010 04:57 AM

I hate it when I have a desperate need to possess my lover.
 
For me, whether I am in a poly lifestyle or a mono lifestyle, one of the important things I have had to deal with in pursuing intimate relationships is my ability to love without the need or desire to possess my lover. Don't you hate the way that feels?? That frantic need to possess?

Granted, many relationships are held together with the glue of co-dependency. Many are held together by a fear of abandonment also. And many are held together by one or both partners having a need to possess their lover. Have you ever experienced any of these things??? Well......I am not interested in these types of relationships for myself any more. :(

But I have experienced the need to possess before and this need to possess can be subtle or obvious; hidden or extreme.

If we have an idea (conscious or unconscious) that we need to possess our lover…..that we cannot live without them…..that they are the “only one” that can complete us……that we would never find a better match……that we are nothing without them…… then we have become emotionally dependent and may have a more extreme fear of abandonment.

Some of us continue to have these thoughts even though we can see that they don’t make sense any more. I am 52 and I’ve been paying attention. What I see is that the idea of finding a lifelong monogamous partner simply is not a current reality in the majority of cases any more. I find it amazing that so many people still hold this up as the ideal for themselves. I think this causes a lot of pain and confusion for a lot of people.

Giving myself permission to love more than one person is life affirming and reminds me that I am not dependent on any one person and that I do not have to try to frantically possess my lover or lovers. I prefer the way I feel when I am not worried about losing my lover.

It seems to me that the Polyamorous philosophy is about becoming free of the brainwashing clichés about love that are found all around us……in our music, movies and story tales which I simply cannot buy into any longer…...:cool:....but, I'm willing to re-think it if anyone has a good argument! :D

LovingRadiance 04-08-2010 05:41 AM

God sometimes I fucking LOVE having the "need to possess" my lover. .....

Wait-I think right now is one!

Take him down, tie his ass to the bed (oh really just his arms) and lick his body and run my nails over him till he quivers in delight..........


:eek:

MonoVCPHG 04-08-2010 06:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by idealist (Post 25873)

Some of us continue to have these thoughts even though we can see that they don’t make sense any more. I am 52 and I’ve been paying attention. What I see is that the idea of finding a lifelong monogamous partner simply is not a current reality in the majority of cases any more. I find it amazing that so many people still hold this up as the ideal for themselves. I think this causes a lot of pain and confusion for a lot of people.

Giving myself permission to love more than one person is life affirming and reminds me that I am not dependent on any one person and that I do not have to try to frantically possess my lover or lovers. I prefer the way I feel when I am not worried about losing my lover.

It seems to me that the Polyamorous philosophy is about becoming free of the brainwashing clichés about love that are found all around us……in our music, movies and story tales which I simply cannot buy into any longer…...:cool:....but, I'm willing to re-think it if anyone has a good argument! :D

;) Careful there Idealist..you're coming off as a bit hollier than thou and all enlightened because you are non-monogamous. No projecting your values and beliefs on the rest of us. I don't argue but am sensitive that there are others struggling with thier partners on here and wouldn't want them to think there is something wrong with them. Unless you are in fact saying you are more evolved and a bigger person because you choose to spread your affection around as opposed to focussing it on one....not that there is anything wrong with that;)

redpepper 04-08-2010 07:22 AM

I used to think I owned the right to my husband and several lovers before him. I don't think it's wrong to feel that way necessarily. Dangerous maybe, but not a bad thing... it made me realize how much I loved them and eventually made me realize that I don't own anyone except myself. It was part of a process that was necessary for my own freedom.

I was able to give myself over to that feeling, embrace it, forgive myself for it and then let it pass... it still comes up, but I see it in terms of wondering what I am missing that hasn't been looked at recently... mostly, have I had enough time with them... It wraps itself up in jealousy (or envy if I manage to still have compersion with the jealous feeling) rather than ownership for me now.

I don't think one is only poly in nature when one is able to give up their feelings of ownership and possession of their partner. I know some mono relationships that operate on the understanding that ones right to independence is important and necessary. It might not manifest in terms of taking on other lovers, but in other ways such as a hobby, going back to school, traveling... essentially poly could be looked at that way... a hobby ;)

You are right, we are surrounded by messages that say we should be monogamous, but I don't see the message of "we should be co-dependent" as often at least. That I think is slowly changing the more people look at what keeps them from being happily in a relationship. One or more relationships.... maybe I am delusional or hang out with different people than you idealist?

GroundedSpirit 04-08-2010 03:21 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 25889)
;) Careful there Idealist..you're coming off as a bit hollier than thou and all enlightened because you are non-monogamous. No projecting your values and beliefs on the rest of us. I don't argue but am sensitive that there are others struggling with thier partners on here and wouldn't want them to think there is something wrong with them. Unless you are in fact saying you are more evolved and a bigger person because you choose to spread your affection around as opposed to focussing it on one....not that there is anything wrong with that;)

Well, there - see. I didn't read that in there at all ?

I just picked up a general sentiment about the light bulb going off about the dangers inherent in subscribing to tightly to the "common model" of monogamy. And there ARE dangers. Now that's not saying that someone can't be totally happy and fulfilled by living monogamously, but that the chances of that happening are lessened if one is not aware of the pitfalls involved.

Like anything else.

Driving 120 MPH is a dangerous proposition. But it IS possible ! And that danger can be significantly lessened by knowing the road, knowing your vehicle, and knowing yourself. Choosing that drive is one of many choices. But if your accelerator is stuck in a vehicle you've never driven, on a dark foggy mountain road...........well - you get the idea :)

GS

MonoVCPHG 04-08-2010 03:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 25911)
Well, there - see. I didn't read that in there at all ?



GS

Damn our differently wired brains :rolleyes:

idealist 04-08-2010 05:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LovingRadiance (Post 25882)
God sometimes I fucking LOVE having the "need to possess" my lover. .....

Wait-I think right now is one!

Take him down, tie his ass to the bed (oh really just his arms) and lick his body and run my nails over him till he quivers in delight..........


:eek:

Hahaha.....I LOVE that !!!:D

idealist 04-08-2010 05:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG (Post 25889)
;) Careful there Idealist..you're coming off as a bit hollier than thou and all enlightened because you are non-monogamous. ;)

Hahaha....I know....sorry!!! I have a strong opinion about monogamy and although I respect the ones who are truly succeeding in it (my parents who have been together for 54 years) there are so many people who have failed miserably at it and yet still hold it out the be the ideal.... just give it up if it isn't working .....that's all I'm saying.....

idealist 04-08-2010 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 25893)
I know some mono relationships that operate on the understanding that ones right to independence is important and necessary.........

You are right, we are surrounded by messages that say we should be monogamous, but I don't see the message of "we should be co-dependent" as often at least. That I think is slowly changing the more people look at what keeps them from being happily in a relationship. One or more relationships.... maybe I am delusional or hang out with different people than you idealist?

Yes. the right to independence is important, I agree and I have always had a lot of independence in my monogamous relationships. Unfortunately that wasn't enough for me it seems.

I guess the way I describe co-dependency is "when my sense of peace and happiness is dependent upon someone/something outside of myself" Most of my friends are pretty balanced, but I do have a lover and he is extremly co-dependent with his primary partner. They are actually very entertaining though!! I just wouldn't want to be in that place emotionally.

MonoVCPHG 04-08-2010 06:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by idealist (Post 25933)
Hahaha....I know....sorry!!! I have a strong opinion about monogamy and although I respect the ones who are truly succeeding in it (my parents who have been together for 54 years) there are so many people who have failed miserably at it and yet still hold it out the be the ideal.... just give it up if it isn't working .....that's all I'm saying.....

Gotcha..sorry if I misinterpretted things...I'm sooo touchy sometimes :)


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