Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   Hello. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24622)

Casablanca 06-11-2012 10:13 AM


I don't plan on doing much posting for a bit. Too much to read and learn before I start stating the obvious and putting my foot in it. But, I know me, I will chip in before too long. So this is me, and where I am at.

I'm 52, male, monogamously married 10 years, three kids. I'm the stay at home parent looking after the family, cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, being taken for granted - all the usual mum stuff. I'm a male mum.

We live in a rural community - the sort of place the news reporters call 'close knit' when something unspeakable happens there. I'm not a gregarious person, most of my friends have been made through my wife. She has fallen in love/lust/need/whatever with another man who lives 30 miles away.

I'm not jealous. I'm envious but not jealous. She knows this. She would kill me if things were reversed. That's a bit unfair and she knows that too. But that's her monkey, not mine. Not that I am planning (or desiring) to be with anyone else.

That's it. (For the moment.)

Apart from the why am I here? bit.

Initially I'm here to learn. A lot of you guys have been down the road I'm standing on before and I want to find the paths you have blazed and the dead ends you have marked for fellow travellers.


bella123456 06-11-2012 10:55 AM

What a lovely hello! Welcome friend and safe travels ahead for you and yours.

CielDuMatin 06-11-2012 03:11 PM

Welcome Casablanca. I hope that you find the things that you seek here.

dingedheart 06-11-2012 06:03 PM

Hi and welcome.

How long have been in this new dynamic. How much reading and research have you both done prior to opening things up.?

Envious of what ....you not having another partner or what she sharing with the other guy and not you.?

Good luck...D

Casablanca 06-11-2012 07:55 PM


Originally Posted by dingedheart (Post 139281)
Hi and welcome.

How long have been in this new dynamic. How much reading and research have you both done prior to opening things up.?

Envious of what ....you not having another partner or what she sharing with the other guy and not you.?

Good luck...D

She and he have been communicating on line for a while. They met a few weeks ago, but she stayed overnight with him for the first time last week.

Reading and research? None. We're both grown-ups; we talked a lot.

I had a really rough couple of days and cried a lot when I realised theory and practice were a little different from one another. What had seemed so simple and rational in fact released great and uncontrollable emotions in me. It was surprising.

My feelings for a few days were stronger than my optimism.

We talked some more and rewrote some ground rules. More double checking and clarity was required. I rearranged the furniture in my head and we seem to be okay for the moment.

The envy is purely and simply that I recognise, and have very nostalgic memories of, the depth of new love feeling. I'd dearly love to know them again. I'm happy that she's feeling them. I love it that she is so happy. I just regret that I am unlikely ever to feel them again. That's what I mean by envious.

kdt26417 06-11-2012 10:23 PM

Hello C. blanca,
Welcome to our forum.

I can easily understand feeling envious about that new love feeling (which we often call NRE, New Relationship Energy). I'm sure it will get easier over time, and never say never, who can say what the future holds.

There should even be some RRE (Renewed Relationship Energy) bouncing back to you from this new relationship, and hopefully your wife won't let the NRE cloud her mind so much that she forgets to give you the extra reassurance you need. NRE can be a little blinding, so don't be shy about reminding her about your wants/needs (and just a, "Hey, I'm here too," reminder).

Glad you could join us, hope we can be of some help.
Kevin T.

dingedheart 06-12-2012 02:57 PM

Wow do I get what you mean about the theory vs the practice. To different parts of the brain used in these cases.

Likely you will go through a mourning period ....mourning the loss of what your marriage was (or what you thought your marriage was and what it meant ) this takes time and that furniture might have to be rearranged a few more times before its over.

It's great that you talked a lot and are grown ups ...it's just really hard to unring bells. Reading the different stories could give each of you an idea of what to look forward to. Also knowing that she would/will have problems if roles are reversed is something big that she needs to work on. Plenty of stories of one partner pushing for this then melting down when the reluctant partner finds a partner....then they want to throw in the towel go back to being monogamous...tooo late. My wife had a melt down when I stopped wearing my wedding ring.

I agree with Kevin never say never:D ...again a little reading and you'll see many who came saying the exact same thing and then over time opening up to trying it for themselves.

The spill over effect might require more furniture rearrangement depending on patterns and history of your relationship.....and it's not a given....don't expect it.

Casablanca 06-12-2012 08:24 PM

Thanks for the messages, folks.

'Never' is indeed a long time but I'm really am a serial monogamist at heart. My wife and I have been together 15 years (10 years married); I was with someone for a year or so before that (more of a 'friends that fuck' thing than any intention of a long term relationship); and before that I was with someone else for 15 years.

Three partners in 31 years. Not exactly a stud muffin. I have a pretty strong erotic drive - I just want it to share it with someone I really care for.

kdt26417 06-13-2012 02:03 AM

Nothing wrong with that ... You just have to figure out which dynamic/s work/s for you/your current relationship.

Casablanca 06-14-2012 08:19 AM

She spent the night away and I slept through without the 3am terrors for the first time.

This is good.

All times are GMT. The time now is 05:47 PM.