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butterflywaterfall 06-10-2012 03:55 PM

new to this
Hi all. I am new to this site and have been doing a bit of reading when I get the chance! I am 34 and straight. I have a boyfriend, 57, who travels a lot and encouraged me to find another sex partner/partners while he is away. He asked for full disclosure of this because he's been cheated on in the past and thought this might be the best way to prevent that. He has also been involved in a number of threesomes and wanted me to find someone to join us since I've expressed interest.
I had a couple of encounters with friends and they were ok. I enjoyed the sex but was left feeling rather empty inside. The more my bf, whom I will refer to as W, talked about it, the more I knew I couldn't do things like that. I can't just have sex with someone with no feelings getting involved. The friends I was with were fine but were married and I didn't feel comfortable with the 'other woman' aspect of it. W knew what was going on but these men definitely didn't tell their wives. Now, as a bit of history, I was married before and ended up having an affair. The man I was with was married and we were together off and on for three years. His wife eventually found out and she wanted him still so he left me. What I learned from that process is that I never want to be in a situation like that again where I am causing such pain to another person. I don't ever want to cheat on W and I don't want anyone to cheat on their sig other with me.
So after realizing I couldn't handle that empty feeling, I started researching polyamory. If I am going to have some sort of sexual relationship with another man, it's got to be more than just sex. In the midst of my research an old friend chatted me up online. He was the first person I'd ever heard talk about being poly so it was rather fortuitous. I chatted with him for a couple of days, telling W about the discussions. He supported me going over to see this friend. The sex was amazing. He was amazing. He was gentle and patient and very sweet with me. He has a gf who has full knowledge of me. And after two encounters we both realized we were developing feelings for one another. It didn't change how I feel about W, though and I want him to be my partner in life. W is not sure how he feels about my falling for this other man but he wants to be supportive. He did delay our impending marriage since thoughts and feelings have changed and he still has another year of back and forth overseas to do. He's afraid of being replaced. I love him with all my heart and am not interested in finding a replacement.
This is very difficult to navigate and I am sure we will get through it all. I am looking for support right now and this site really seems to have it.
thanks for reading my rambling!

kdt26417 06-10-2012 10:15 PM

Hi Butterfly Waterfall,
Welcome to our forum.

It sounds like you're moving in the right direction: first of all, toward more-emotionally-involved relationships which is what you wanted, but more importantly, toward relationships that are conducted with the knowledge and consent of all parties involved. Honesty is definitely the best policy!

It's understandable that W has those insecurities; help out as much as you can in the way of giving him reassurance (and keeping in touch with him regularly). But hopefully he'll come to understand that polyamory isn't about "replacing" people; it's not like monogamy where you have to leave one person in order to be with someone else.

Anyway, I'm glad to have you aboard, and wish you all the best.

Kevin T.

butterflywaterfall 06-10-2012 11:38 PM

Thank you so much! We are working on it, that is for sure. Tonight we're taking another big step by spending time with my other guy together. I'm not sure how things will go but W is looking forward to it and has been trying to prep me for it all week! He's done this before, I haven't but I really want to give it a try. I've definitely thought about it enough. :)
So here goes...

kdt26417 06-10-2012 11:47 PM

Best of luck to you for your get-together tonight ... ;)

butterflywaterfall 06-11-2012 11:38 AM

Well, all I have to say about last night is O...M...G
Not in my wildest imagination (and it's pretty vivid) could I have thought up how incredible that was. It was beyond intense and it really felt natural. No awkwardness or anything.
Only problem was, when we left, W said he wouldn't do it again with this guy because he (I'll call him A) is too in love with me. I'm not sure what will happen next. W goes back overseas next week for a few weeks and things will be different.

CielDuMatin 06-11-2012 03:09 PM

Well, glad to know that your first threesome was so enjoyable an experience!

It sounds like your partner is more interesting in a swinging setup, rather than polyamory, though. One of the typical aspects of swinging is that there is an understanding/agreement that there will be no falling in love outside of the main relationship. With polyamory it's encouraged and desired.

It might be a very good idea for you to try to get some clarity about what is and is not expected, and what boundaries are there, so that you can decide whether this is for you or not.

butterflywaterfall 06-12-2012 01:35 AM

Thanks for the advice! I am definitely looking for clarity and W is too. Neither one of us was expecting the attachment that happened when A entered the picture. I am not interested in swinging; that doesn't appeal to me. The whole poly thing is the biggest stretch I can manage because of my upbringing and my belief system. I won't whore myself out just to make my man happy because that will destroy me. He knows that and is trying to accept how things are now. We'll see what the future holds. Whatever's meant to be will happen, I have faith in that!

CielDuMatin 06-12-2012 03:05 AM

Then you and W definitely aren't on the same page with this. I would advise stopping any activities outside your relationship until you do get this sorted out between you, otherwise things could just get really messy really quickly, and other people could get hurt.

butterflywaterfall 06-12-2012 08:10 PM

That is definitely not something that I want. The last thing I want is for either W or A to get hurt. They are both amazing men. W and I are going to hash things out today/tonight and try to figure things out. A and I talked a little today about where he is with things and he seems to be doing fine. He's done the poly thing longer and has a more assured mindset about things. W on the other hand, keeps switching back and forth so much I'm getting whiplash. I want us to come to an agreement, no matter what it is and just stick to it. No wishy washy!! This is too important.

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