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-   -   new problem :( (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24562)

jones 06-09-2012 06:39 AM

new problem :(
 
hi everyone,

I post a while ago and I have decided to forgive my gf and my bf (of nine years)
however me and my bf are having trouble with my gf's bf.

we both love him but he doesn't love us back :/ he says he cares for us but he treats us more like friends/fucks, we are really hurt, it seems like he doesn't want to be in this relationship, we were suppose to see each other this week but he cancelled via his gf and we want to see them tonight (for a 1on1) as it has been a long time...

we are also swingers so he still wants to see other people but me, my bf and my gf want to just see each other but he doesn't, he is really into another girl (which is fine although I feel like nothing compared to her, as she is more his type) when the girl is busy he texts me and wants to see me all the time but then he drops me again :(

i do feel a little jealous that my bf can say I love you to my gf but I can't get one back of my other bf

what can I do, we have tried talking but he shuts us out!

Emm 06-09-2012 02:38 PM

I'm a little unclear about what form of relationship exists between each member of your constellation and exactly what has been agreed to by whom. Can you elaborate?

jones 06-09-2012 03:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emm (Post 139035)
I'm a little unclear about what form of relationship exists between each member of your constellation and exactly what has been agreed to by whom. Can you elaborate?

hi, well I am engaged to my bf of nine years, I have been dating my gf (J) fir a few months and I have known J's bf for a few years but we started meeting fir sex and then I started getting feelings for him and he said he cared for me however he blows hot and cold, its like he doesn't want to admit his feelings or let me in,

me, my bf and J have decided we like the idea of a relationship but J's bf wont talk about it. I feel like it is just sex but i love him. hope this has helped a little x

LotusesandRoses 06-09-2012 03:41 PM

He's not morally obligated to love you. If you don't like how he handles stuff, stop having sex with him.

Also, out of curiosity: Is it so unusual when you're with one lover to not contact the other? This has been my own M.O. for years.

jones 06-09-2012 03:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses (Post 139040)
He's not morally obligated to love you. If you don't like how he handles stuff, stop having sex with him.

Also, out of curiosity: Is it so unusual when you're with one lover to not contact the other? This has been my own M.O. for years.

I understand this but it would be nice to be loved back.

Also, out of curiosity: Is it so unusual when you're with one lover to not contact the other? This has been my own M.O. for years

I don't understand what you mean sorry

LotusesandRoses 06-09-2012 04:35 PM

You're upset he only contacts you when his other lover is busy. Is he supposed to contact you when he's with them? If so, do you want him on the phone with them when he's with you?

I'm going to a party tonight with my partner, D. There is no way I'll check my messages when I'm with him. When I'm with him, I'm with him. When I go on my date tomorrow with Mr. and Mrs. Nice, I won't check my phone. I don't date people unless I give them my full attention. They deserve nothing less, or I wouldn't be with them.

So he doesn't love you. You can't make him love you. I'm a believer that loving is more important than being loved, since we can't control other people's emotions. We can spend our whole lives waiting for that very monogamy-oriented experience of being consumed by another individual's love and reciprocating, but it usually doesn't happen this way. And that's fine. It doesn't make love any less valid because it's so rarely evenly matched.

jones 06-09-2012 04:47 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses (Post 139045)
You're upset he only contacts you when his other lover is busy. Is he supposed to contact you when he's with them? If so, do you want him on the phone with them when he's with you?

I'm going to a party tonight with my partner, D. There is no way I'll check my messages when I'm with him. When I'm with him, I'm with him. When I go on my date tomorrow with Mr. and Mrs. Nice, I won't check my phone. I don't date people unless I give them my full attention. They deserve nothing less, or I wouldn't be with them.

Quote:

Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses (Post 139045)

I understand when he is with her and he doesnt text me this is fine because I do it too, what I meant was if his lover is too busy to text him when he is alone at work etc he will text but he makes more time for her.

So he doesn't love you. You can't make him love you. I'm a believer that loving is more important than being loved, since we can't control other people's emotions. We can spend our whole lives waiting for that very monogamy-oriented experience of being consumed by another individual's love and reciprocating, but it usually doesn't happen this way. And that's fine. It doesn't make love any less valid because it's so rarely evenly matched.

that is a very good point thanks, I don't want to force him to love me but it hurts.

Emm 06-10-2012 01:27 AM

I'm sorry to bother you with such a petty complaint, but could you please stop using changes in formatting to show what is and isn't a quote and just post your replies as standard text outside of the quote tags? The way you do it here makes it look like you're highlighting a particular point in the quote rather than replying to it, and your use of bright pink in your previous thread gave me a headache.

lovefromgirl 06-10-2012 04:20 AM

It's always nice to be loved back. It isn't always possible. This is reality. Welcome to it. And yeah, stop having sex with someone who leaves you feeling lesser and unloved. That's the best way to drive yourself nuts.

jones 06-10-2012 05:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovefromgirl (Post 139086)
It's always nice to be loved back. It isn't always possible. This is reality. Welcome to it. And yeah, stop having sex with someone who leaves you feeling lesser and unloved. That's the best way to drive yourself nuts.

hi I spoke to him last night, he opened up and he said he does see us in being a relationship and cares about me a lot so thanks for the comments


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