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-   -   Is it Poly or am I the "other woman"? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24556)

SilverZe 06-09-2012 05:43 AM

Is it Poly or am I the "other woman"?
I've met this great guy that I'm very similar to. I haven't felt a connection like this in a long time. We've hung out a few times as friends and each time it seems to get better. We have talked about many things, poly relationships being one of them.

We have expressed a mutual attraction and interest in each other, as well as interest in polyamory, specifically a triad relationship - 3 people together and mutually exclusive to each other (not sure about terminology). Though we also both said that monogamy could also work for us with the right person.

However he is currently dating someone else, a straight girl with no interest in polyamory though he told me that when they initially began dating the agreement was that he would be allowed to seek other partners, though their relationship would be his primary relationship.

Prior to meeting me, he broke up with her once because he found out she was stealing money from her mother and then he felt he could no longer trust her and lost most attraction to her. However because of his financial status he is stuck living with her and so decided to get back together with her as to not upset her, since he is dependent on her for transportation and cannot afford his own place.

We are heading in the direction of romance, and he says that his girlfriend is okay with this (she just wants to meet me sometime soon), but I'm kind of worried. I really want to believe it but I also don't want to be naive because I'm inexperienced.

Also from what he says and the way he acts towards her, I don't believe that he would stay with her if he could afford to move out. This is a sticky situation because it would be fairly obvious that he preferred me to her. I'm not even sure why she wants to stay with him because it's fairly obvious that he is not happy with her.

I'm just a little apprehensive. I really like this person but this is a complicated situation and is not really the type of poly relationship I am interested in (although he has also told me he that ideally this would not be the way he would like things, would prefer to not be with his current girlfriend at all).

I told him that I would only be okay with moving forward if his girlfriend really does consent to the arrangement but, well I am just looking for advice. What do you all think? Is this a bad situation to get into? Do you think he's being honest or do you think something sounds a miss? I understand it's not a lot to go on but it would just be nice to hear other opinions.


Derbylicious 06-09-2012 06:27 AM

I wouldn't get involved with this guy until he's figured out for sure what he wants to do in the relationship he's in. If he wants to break up with her then he should break up with her without having someone to fall back on. It's sucks enough to be left it sucks way worse to be left for someone else.

If he's only staying with her for financial reasons then he needs to find a way that he can be financially independant or he's just going to move from being supported by her to being supported by you. I would want anyone I was with to be with me because they want to be not because they have to be. Down the line you might find yourself questioning if he's just with you because he can't afford not to be.

Hold off on getting romantically involved with this guy until he gets some of the stuff in his own life sorted out.

dragonflysky 06-09-2012 06:28 AM

I would question how "stuck" he is in living with HER, in particular, due to his finances and her providing transportation. He could share housing and transportation costs with someone else (with whom he's not in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship) to help cut cost. Also, do you have any concerns about him leaning on you for financial and transportation support???

I think you may be closer to the truth in thinking you're in a type of "other woman" situation. The statement: "I'm really not happy with her and am only staying because.........." is often an "other woman" scenario.

If nothing else, he sounds like someone who is quite ingrained in the "victim" role, (the 'Poor me. I'm helpless to do anything about my life on my own. Rescue me! Rescue me from that awful other person!!") which is not a healthy one under any circumstance.

Phy 06-09-2012 06:34 AM

Welcome :)

From what you described, it sounds that you are hesistant to get mixed up in a relationship where things are not settled right now. Congratulation on being so aware of that unhealthy dynamic. I wouldn't proceed any further with this relationship developing between you and him as long as he hasn't been clear about you two towards his girlfriend in a way you yourself can predict where they are standing right now (meaning: you meeting her and getting her side of everything). Everything else is theirs to sort out. Personally, I would have a problem with someone staying with his partner for the reasons you stated. But that is your decision to make.

So my only advice here would be to get the opinion and point of view of all involved and let him and her handle their stuff afterwards on their own. Their relationship is theirs to sort out. I wouldn't just stumble into this depending on his word that everything is OK and waiting endlessly for some opportunity to talk to his girlfriend. The risk would be too high for my taste.

SilverZe 06-09-2012 06:59 AM

Thank you all for replying. I think I needed to hear what you are saying.

I don't have any worries about him becoming financially dependent on me as that is a deal breaker for me and I am currently in a financial agreement with my best friend/roommate that keeps me from meshing finances with others (no worries there we've been living together for 3 years and been best friends for 9). I've also made it clear that I do not want to live with a partner at this point in time and that I would have to date someone for a long time before even considering living together because of prior experiences with people I was close too.

Still there is a chance that is what he is after though, if so it would be a prompt end to any sort of relationship.

From what he's told me, he initially moved to the area for a job, met his girlfriend at this job and started dating, then a while later he was laid off so moved in with her and eventually found a new job but it pretty much underemployed and still seeking a better job. He's kind of a shy person and has only lived in the area for a little over a year so doesn't have many friends and none that are very close.

I think the truth is that it's too early for me to tell anything really and I'm just sort of getting a head of myself. I think I need to slow down and get more information. He doesn't seem to be trying to keep me from meeting his girlfriend at all, in fact he has already invited me to meet her once but I was busy at the time. So I think I will get to know her as well and see where this leads but I'll be weary.

Thanks again everyone, sometimes it's hard to see things when you are caught up in new feelings.

LotusesandRoses 06-09-2012 04:25 PM

You're dating an adult man who lives with his mother and doesn't own a vehicle. I wouldn't sweat the "other woman" deal. I'd just drop him like a hot potato and move on.

lovefromgirl 06-10-2012 04:23 AM

Kind of sounds like a trainwreck in progress. Get out before he drags you too far in. There are available men with far less drama in their lives.

Arrowbound 06-10-2012 07:08 AM

I'd advise you against trying to pursue anything with someone who doesn't have enough courage to end a relationship for good, and continually makes excuses as to why things are the way they are. Just has "hot ass mess" written all over it.

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