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-   -   shitty goddamn fucking feelings- a rant by yours truly. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24542)

genebean 06-08-2012 05:45 PM

shitty goddamn fucking feelings- a rant by yours truly.
 
I am angry, I am hurt, I am insecure, I am lost. But I am also powerful, loving, strong, affectionate and I will be there for people to a fault. I have not had the best of all lives thus far and it's left me a little worse for the ware, feeling above all things unworthy and it is terribly difficult for me to accept love. I give and give and give hoping to get a fraction in return but all it's gotten me is feeling an emotional deficit and a deep unrest with the person I am, physically and mentally. I have this nagging feeling of just not being good enough, I also have the feeling of inevitably (sp?) being left.

Lately this feeling has grown and I have been fighting it tooth and nail hoping not to get lost in it like I've done so many times before, I have a tendency to shut myself away from everyone and right now I have more close friends than at any other point in my life.


Because of my fears and insecurities polyamory scares the living shit out of me, and ironically enough, I am the one that brought up the idea in the first place. When I was younger (between 10 and 12) I watched a documentary on polyamory that showed two males and a female (who was expecting) in this amazing functioning little familial unit and I fell in love. The man (the one that was there first I guess) had inadvertinly fallen in love with another man and instead of trying to be secretive or ashamed of his feelings he came to the woman and told her, she approved and wanted to meet this man that her love had fallen for. They met and after a while a relationship blossumed between them aswell, thus forming a triad. I always kept the idea with me.

When I was 17, I developed my first serious crush on a woman (a girl more like it) and I came to realize that I would like to experience women aswell as men. A few months later I met my current boyfriend (polypenguin) and I told him that I am attracted to women too.. He said from the getgo that he was okay with me sleeping with women, which was nice but I didn't feel it a nagging necessity because I had fallen head over heels in love with him.

We had more or less put the idea on the backburner until I met a girl and we ended up kissing, innocent enough but it made me feel a need to experiment with women, I told him of this and also of the type of relationship I would like to have (2 women 1 man triad) and he loved the idea. Not just loved, set on it, like no matter what that's how things were gonna be. I felt okay with this new realization, like in time this will be my life. Well, because of work I was not able to go out to burningman last year until the last few days and I met up with him there and it's like a switch was flipped. It went from maybe this will happen to a flat out this (as in an open relationship) is how it's going to be and if you don't like it, then we are through. I mulled it over a little bit and decided to take a leap, hoping that this transition would be a catalyst for change and growth as human beings and as a couple also, not wanting to lose the person I love ofcourse.

About a month later we had our first experience with another couple, a foursome that went about as badly as was possible for that to go (if you don't know the story, I typed it up in another post titled "ugh, tough stuff" ) and I felt extremely hurt by the situation, burned by my too soon introduction into this whole thing, so ever since I've been so gun shy it's unreal. I am currently *kind of* seeing a woman and I have slept with another man (both of these situations with prior approval) and the inequality is driving polypenguin up a wall. I realize this and have offered several times to stop communication with both to relieve the tension surrounding it. He has told me he does not want me to stop seeing them, but continually gets upset about it. We have agreed upon a deadline for opening our relationship (this years burningman) and it is fast approaching. If i don't get all of my problems dealt with by then, I lose my lover, my best friend and my companion that I can still despite myself see myself sitting on a porch swing with when I'm 80.

I have come to the difficult decision that it is imperative that I go see a professional (a counselor, a therapist, whatever.) about my issues surrounding this whole thing so I sought one out that deals specifically in LGBITQ, spirituality and alternative lifestyles. This was amazing to find because my town is a bit po-dunk to find such a forward thinking therapist about. I then found out that she isn't accepting new patients until july and I feel time is of the essence in this case. It's very frustrating, like I said I am angry, I am hurt and I am insecure and I am scrambling to get over it all. I am not really so afraid of ending the relationship, I just can't give up unless I know without a shadow of a doubt that it's hopeless and I don't. I still see love in his eyes and feel warmth in his embrace. Uggghh, I don't know.

Magdlyn 06-08-2012 05:54 PM

gene bean, you know your bf has no right to insist on a triad and no other configuration of poly. His way or the highway? Fuck that shit.

Well-functioning triads are as rare as hen's teeth (I am a hinge in V with triad potential but we are taking things extremely cautiously slowly). You can't just *make* one happen. Usually poly people date separately, even married couples. If the stars align, perhaps you will get lucky to find a woman interested in both of you... someday.

Til that time, you need to put your foot down and insist your bf calms the f down about this stupid burningman deadline. Way to take the fun out of loving and fucking!

Good luck with therapy. Poly won't work if your self esteem is rock bottom and you're doing everything just to please your bf in fear of being dumped. If he does leave, you will find Mr and Ms Right, when you get your own head on straight... when you are strong and ready.

Magdlyn 06-08-2012 05:59 PM

OK, I just looked at your other thread and I see you're only 21. I assume your bf is of a similar age? No wonder the rush towards a 3some! Young people can be so impatient.

My advice still stands. Poly is tricky and takes excellent communication skills and great care with each partner's feelings.

genebean 06-08-2012 06:12 PM

I realize that if he leaves me, life goes on and I will find another person to be with. The problem lies in finding another him, which isn't possible. I feel like I am dating two separate people, one a caring and loving person who I connect with on a fundamental level and another the person who wants one thing and is very resistant to any compromise.

SNeacail 06-08-2012 06:41 PM

I think you have 12 hours to fix a post - please add some paragraph breaks to your first post. It is really hard to read a massive wall of text.

genebean 06-08-2012 06:53 PM

will do. I typed it up on my phone so it doesn't allow for paragraph breaks. When I get to a computer I will edit.

Arrowbound 06-08-2012 11:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by genebean (Post 138914)
I am angry, I am hurt, I am insecure, I am lost. But I am also powerful, loving, strong, affectionate and I will be there for people to a fault. I have not had the best of all lives thus far and it's left me a little worse for the ware, feeling above all things unworthy and it is terribly difficult for me to accept love. I give and give and give hoping to get a fraction in return but all it's gotten me is feeling an emotional deficit and a deep unrest with the person I am, physically and mentally. I have this nagging feeling of just not being good enough, I also have the feeling of inevitably (sp?) being left.


You are responsible for fixing this. YOU. He cannot make you feel good enough, to be frank. That feeling comes from within.


Quote:

Originally Posted by genebean (Post 138914)
Lately this feeling has grown and I have been fighting it tooth and nail hoping not to get lost in it like I've done so many times before, I have a tendency to shut myself away from everyone and right now I have more close friends than at any other point in my life.


Keep fighting it. It's not healthy to get lost in something like that.


Quote:

Originally Posted by genebean (Post 138914)
Because of my fears and insecurities polyamory scares the living shit out of me, and ironically enough, I am the one that brought up the idea in the first place. When I was younger (between 10 and 12) I watched a documentary on polyamory that showed two males and a female (who was expecting) in this amazing functioning little familial unit and I fell in love. The man (the one that was there first I guess) had inadvertinly fallen in love with another man and instead of trying to be secretive or ashamed of his feelings he came to the woman and told her, she approved and wanted to meet this man that her love had fallen for. They met and after a while a relationship blossumed between them aswell, thus forming a triad. I always kept the idea with me.

When I was 17, I developed my first serious crush on a woman (a girl more like it) and I came to realize that I would like to experience women aswell as men. A few months later I met my current boyfriend (polypenguin) and I told him that I am attracted to women too.. He said from the getgo that he was okay with me sleeping with women, which was nice but I didn't feel it a nagging necessity because I had fallen head over heels in love with him.

We had more or less put the idea on the backburner until I met a girl and we ended up kissing, innocent enough but it made me feel a need to experiment with women, I told him of this and also of the type of relationship I would like to have (2 women 1 man triad) and he loved the idea. Not just loved, set on it, like no matter what that's how things were gonna be. I felt okay with this new realization, like in time this will be my life. Well, because of work I was not able to go out to burningman last year until the last few days and I met up with him there and it's like a switch was flipped. It went from maybe this will happen to a flat out this (as in an open relationship) is how it's going to be and if you don't like it, then we are through. I mulled it over a little bit and decided to take a leap, hoping that this transition would be a catalyst for change and growth as human beings and as a couple also, not wanting to lose the person I love ofcourse.


Ultimatums about what kind of relationship configuration you guys are allowed to have is problematic and I mentioned that before in your thread, I think. Not sure if that underlying "If you don't..." tone is still there, you'd have to expand more on this.


Quote:

Originally Posted by genebean (Post 138914)
About a month later we had our first experience with another couple, a foursome that went about as badly as was possible for that to go (if you don't know the story, I typed it up in another post titled "ugh, tough stuff" ) and I felt extremely hurt by the situation, burned by my too soon introduction into this whole thing, so ever since I've been so gun shy it's unreal. I am currently *kind of* seeing a woman and I have slept with another man (both of these situations with prior approval) and the inequality is driving polypenguin up a wall. I realize this and have offered several times to stop communication with both to relieve the tension surrounding it. He has told me he does not want me to stop seeing them, but continually gets upset about it. We have agreed upon a deadline for opening our relationship (this years burningman) and it is fast approaching. If i don't get all of my problems dealt with by then, I lose my lover, my best friend and my companion that I can still despite myself see myself sitting on a porch swing with when I'm 80.

I have come to the difficult decision that it is imperative that I go see a professional (a counselor, a therapist, whatever.) about my issues surrounding this whole thing so I sought one out that deals specifically in LGBITQ, spirituality and alternative lifestyles. This was amazing to find because my town is a bit po-dunk to find such a forward thinking therapist about. I then found out that she isn't accepting new patients until july and I feel time is of the essence in this case. It's very frustrating, like I said I am angry, I am hurt and I am insecure and I am scrambling to get over it all. I am not really so afraid of ending the relationship, I just can't give up unless I know without a shadow of a doubt that it's hopeless and I don't. I still see love in his eyes and feel warmth in his embrace. Uggghh, I don't know.


Lemme just say I'm glad you're taking the therapy route, because your crippling fear of abandonment is troubling and will continue to lead you into undesirable situations.


Quote:

Originally Posted by genebean (Post 138923)
I realize that if he leaves me, life goes on and I will find another person to be with. The problem lies in finding another him, which isn't possible. I feel like I am dating two separate people, one a caring and loving person who I connect with on a fundamental level and another the person who wants one thing and is very resistant to any compromise.


No, it's not possible to find another him, because there's only one. The idea is not to fixate on him being the end-all be-all though; again, unhealthy. And honestly the compromise he's making right now where you're seeing other people and he's not is one that I find VERY noble, because I personally would not agree or accept it for myself.

BrigidsDaughter 06-08-2012 11:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magdlyn (Post 138918)
gene bean, you know your bf has no right to insist on a triad and no other configuration of poly. His way or the highway? Fuck that shit.

Well-functioning triads are as rare as hen's teeth (I am a hinge in V with triad potential but we are taking things extremely cautiously slowly). You can't just *make* one happen. Usually poly people date separately, even married couples. If the stars align, perhaps you will get lucky to find a woman interested in both of you... someday.

Til that time, you need to put your foot down and insist your bf calms the f down about this stupid burningman deadline. Way to take the fun out of loving and fucking!

Good luck with therapy. Poly won't work if your self esteem is rock bottom and you're doing everything just to please your bf in fear of being dumped. If he does leave, you will find Mr and Ms Right, when you get your own head on straight... when you are strong and ready.

I don't think poly penguin is in a rush to have more threesomes. He has discovered that he is poly and because Genebean is struggling wtih her insecurities, he is putting his own happiness and nature on hold. But he feels caged by an agreement that he made to try to ease their relationship into poly.

I understand that you're feeling pressured, but all that poly penguin is saying is ha after Burning Man, he's going to start living his life as a poly person. It's up to you whether you accept that or not. Does that mean he's going to immediately find another partner, probably not. But you're being given the chance to come to terms with the idea that you aren't going to have your magical FFM triad where you're the center of their worlds. It never really works out that way.

Please get therapy as soon as you can. Ask the therapist to put you on the list for a call if there is a cancellation and tell her that you are honestly struggling. Sometimes they can get you in sooner.

genebean 06-09-2012 09:59 PM

I appreciate the advice. I realize I'm not in the best of all places mentally but it is improving. I feel that there is a fair amount of for lack of a better term "side choosing" when there is knowledge of the other person's posts on here, I ask everyone to analyze each situation separately, instead of applying pre-conceived notions to each one, because polypenguin and I have both felt a little alienated by people's analysis of the other's posts. This website has been a venting place for both of us so we aren't typing about the good things we do for eachother, or the reasons we care so deeply for one another, maybe we should but we haven't as of yet. We have both made mistakes (we're youngin's) but we are learning from these mistakes all the time.

Also, i'd really like to clarify that although I am more or less seeing other people, it is not despite polypenguins feelings on it that I am. He has been explicitly clear that he wants me to continue seeing them. I have offered every chance I've gotten to stop seeing them in favor of mine and his relationship. I like these people but they understand that he comes first.

Arrowbound 06-10-2012 07:18 AM

When either of you divulge information about your relationship in any part of the forum and people remember, I'm not sure it's reasonable to expect us not to acknowledge certain things that have already been shared going forward. That's not to say folks don't try in some ways but with you both posting, there is bound to be some overlap and cross-referencing.


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