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-   -   Worrying about my new girlfriend (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2450)

Kate88 04-03-2010 07:28 PM

Worrying about my new girlfriend
My husband and I have had an open relationship for several years, and it's all been great, but I recently started to fall for someone else. I and my husband are fine with this, but the new woman seems hesitant.

A year or so ago, she was the secondary partner of a married man for a long time, and while she says she doesn't regret it because they really were in love, she doesn't think she can do it again, because being in love with someone she couldn't fully "have" was too hard. She says she feels that she is falling for me, and doesn't want to.

I don't quite know what to do about it. She says she wants to keep seeing me, and I don't want to let her go, but is it even possible for us to decide not to fall in love?

greenearthal 04-03-2010 09:34 PM

What would prevent her from fully "have"ing you? Does she mean exclusively?

CielDuMatin 04-03-2010 11:56 PM

I have had a similar experience - an OSO of mine realised that she really wanted someone to be around pretty much all the time, and that even though she enjoyed the relationship with me, it wasn't "enough". Unfortunately being an LDR it was very difficult to make any adjustments to it without financially bankrupting either her or us, so t5he relationship came to an end, unfortunately.

What you can do about it - talk to her about why she feels that she can't completely "have" you - what would be lacking. Gain an understanding and see if anything is possible.

Kate88 04-04-2010 08:20 AM

Thank you for the responses!

Yes, Ciel du Matin, that sounds like a similar situation. I have a commitment to my husband (house, dog etc) that would make adding another "equal" partner very difficult. Logistically more than emotionally. I'm not able to be with her the way I am with my husband.

Greenearthal, she means primarily, rather than exclusively. She says that if she had a primary style partner of her own, it wouldn't matter.

EdibleStrange 04-04-2010 08:25 AM


Originally Posted by Kate88 (Post 25530)
She says that if she had a primary style partner of her own, it wouldn't matter.

Well, I personally can't blame her for wanting to be somebody's primary. The desire to feel wanted, needed, and...well...PRIMARY in someone's life is a very basic one. Do you have any poly friends...?

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