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-   -   Needing help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2448)

Ariea 04-03-2010 11:34 AM

Needing help
 
I was wondering if anyone had advice for me. I've felt very alone in my situation, and if there is someone who dealt with something similar, I'd appreciate any suggestions or tips or advice of any kind.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a while and he has another relationship. (it is official and they have the boyfriend title as well) I am not allowed to date, etc, but I have no desire to. I get really upset / jealous and blame myself often for his other relationship thinking "if I was skinny / pretty / more interesting he wouldn't want to leave me". I can't help these thoughts.

I've talked to him extensively, but this never helps much, and usually he feels as though I am attacking him. I am careful not to insult him or the other person when talking to him, intentionally (me and the other person have no contact, and this person has extensively used and manipulated and backstabbed me in the past, as we have tried to be friends MANY times before, and my boyfriend agrees that I gave them plenty of chances and that it isn't my fault they hate me so much)

How do I deal with all of the depression and feelings of not being good enough? My boyfriend says he lives me and I believe him, but I'm aware that he says the same thing to the other person and whenever he leaves me for them, I feel like I did something wrong, or he got tired of me. I'm not trying to control him...I just feel so depleted, so miserable from this situation. When he goes to be with them, I wish he was wanting to be with me instead...it's as if my head can follow what he says about me not being "enough", but not fully, and the emotional part won't catch up.

I'm not condemning anyone or insulting, and please don't take it that way. I just...can't understand why it has to be this way. Has anyone felt like this before? Is it normal in this situation? Can I get past it? Should I stop talking to my boyfriend about this?

Breathesgirl 04-03-2010 11:59 AM

If my boyfriend is with someone I don't like our lives are living hell until they are no longer an item.

If he's with someone I DO like I don't generally have a problem. I'll have the general security issues but once I meet the person and discover I do like them that usually goes away.

Just this past week we've been dealing with my insecurities, and they are HUGE insecurities, dealing with a relationship that ended with me several months ago. It effectively ended with him Thursday but in actuality it ended shortly after it ended with me

It ain't easy dealing when you don't like the partners, that's for sure.

I don't really know how I do it other than talking A LOT to your partner. I tell him how I'm feeling without saying that he's making me feel that way.

I know there are others who deal with this a lot--they don't like their partner's partner.

When he was with the one lady I had to be doing something else during their time together other wise I was totally miserable.

Good luck.

Ariea 04-03-2010 10:25 PM

I feel inferior too, and I have some similarities to what you described....

Am I being unreasonable by being upset by all of this? Am I being selfish by wanting him to myself? I had a really hard time last night and we talked a bit, but today he's out with the other person.... Is that okay, or does it seem like he should wait a bit and spend some time with me?

I feel abandoned and I don't know how to change myself. I feel like I need to. =\ I feel so depressed that I think about suicide all the time because of this. I feel like he's leaving me, and that he'd rather not be with me, but that I'm more "acceptible" in public in his mind, because I am female (the other person is a male). It's resurfaced old issues of cutting and suicidal thoughts. I feel so alone in this.

MonoVCPHG 04-04-2010 12:11 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariea (Post 25459)
I am not allowed to date, etc,

I would examine this comment in great detail before settling for your boyfriend. Poly is not an excuse for one sided relationship freedom. Seriously...I'm monogamous to the core and this disturbs me. Sorry to be so blunt but this saddens me.

Peace and love
Mono

NeonKaos 04-04-2010 12:25 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariea (Post 25488)

I feel abandoned and I don't know how to change myself. I feel like I need to. =\ I feel so depressed that I think about suicide all the time because of this. I feel like he's leaving me, and that he'd rather not be with me, but that I'm more "acceptible" in public in his mind, because I am female (the other person is a male). It's resurfaced old issues of cutting and suicidal thoughts. I feel so alone in this.

So you are feeling suicidal and as though you need to change yourself because you have a gay boyfriend who is using you as a cover story for the public? And the person whom he is using you to cover for is not even nice to you?

Leave this "boyfriend" (he doesn't sound like much of a friend). Take some time for yourself, treat yourself right, and you will find someone who will treat you right regardless of whether you are mono or poly. This is not a mono or poly issue. It's a "I deserve to be happy" issue.

You seem to know this already and need to hear it said back to you by someone else. Trust your self.

Good luck with everything.

Breathesgirl 04-04-2010 12:29 AM

Honey, if ANY person is making you feel suicidal, like cutting or ANYTHING which you know is morally, ethically or just plain wrong follow your gut instinct and RUN, DON'T WALK as far away as you can get as fast as you can get there!

NeonKaos 04-04-2010 12:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Breathesgirl (Post 25497)
Honey, if ANY person is making you feel suicidal, like cutting or ANYTHING which you know is morally, ethically or just plain wrong follow your gut instinct and RUN, DON'T WALK as far away as you can get as fast as you can get there!


I almost said "Run, don't walk" too.

Breathesgirl 04-04-2010 12:33 AM

:)

Sometimes we can't see what's right in front of us because we are too close to the situation.

I would also seek out a counsellor (check good will & salvation army if you can't afford one, they generally have a sliding scale based on income) to help you get past this hurdle with as little harm to anyone as possible.

vandalin 04-04-2010 01:31 AM

A few things popped out at me when I read this. I've marked the specific items in red, meaning RED FLAGS

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ariea (Post 25459)
My boyfriend and I have been together for a while and he has another relationship. (it is official and they have the boyfriend title as well) I am not allowed to date, etc, but I have no desire to. I get really upset / jealous and blame myself often for his other relationship thinking "if I was skinny / pretty / more interesting he wouldn't want to leave me". I can't help these thoughts.

This automatically sends up warning signs, before even reading the rest of your post. Whether or not you have a desire to date anyone else, you are saying he does not ALLOW you. This sounds like he is trying to control you. And what is the "etc"? That can lead a person to think a lot of things, not allowed to go out by yourself, to talk to friends, etc.

How long have you two been together and how long has he been with this other person(s)? Not that longevity means primacy, but you are not exactly clear with this. Is this the first other he's had or have there been more? And how many? You keep switching back and forth between singular and plural when mentioning the other.

Quote:

I've talked to him extensively, but this never helps much, and usually he feels as though I am attacking him. I am careful not to insult him or the other person when talking to him, intentionally (me and the other person have no contact, and this person has extensively used and manipulated and backstabbed me in the past, as we have tried to be friends MANY times before, and my boyfriend agrees that I gave them plenty of chances and that it isn't my fault they hate me so much)
Are these conversations or are you demanding? Are you just expressing how you feel to him and is his "feeling attacked" real or his way of telling you that he doesn't care how you feel and to shut up about it. If it's the first then you both have to work on communication, but due to what you said in the first Red Flag, I'd guess it's the second.

Quote:

How do I deal with all of the depression and feelings of not being good enough? My boyfriend says he l(o)ves me and I believe him, but I'm aware that he says the same thing to the other person and whenever he leaves me for them, I feel like I did something wrong, or he got tired of me. I'm not trying to control him...I just feel so depleted, so miserable from this situation. When he goes to be with them, I wish he was wanting to be with me instead...it's as if my head can follow what he says about me not being "enough", but not fully, and the emotional part won't catch up.
Before I hit on those two Red Flags, your last sentence is not making sense to me and I'm not sure what you are trying to say. Is he saying you are "not enough"?

Now for the Red Flags. 'You are depressed and feeling not good enough, you feel like you are doing something wrong and he is tired of you.' Has he given you assurances that you are good enough and that he does want to be with you other than saying he loves you? Or does he say nothing or put you down when you ask him to stay?

Quote:

I feel inferior too, ... Am I being unreasonable by being upset by all of this? Am I being selfish by wanting him to myself? I had a really hard time last night and we talked a bit, but today he's out with the other person.... Is that okay, or does it seem like he should wait a bit and spend some time with me?

I feel abandoned and I don't know how to change myself. I feel like I need to. =\ I feel so depressed that I think about suicide all the time because of this. I feel like he's leaving me, and that he'd rather not be with me, but that I'm more "acceptable" in public in his mind, because I am female (the other person is a male). It's resurfaced old issues of cutting and suicidal thoughts. I feel so alone in this.
Ok, there is a lot of red there...a whole lot. You have a lot of feelings of inferiority, depression and now you add self mutilation and thoughts of suicide. If these are things that are "resurfacing" do you not see the warning signs? Does he not see or care that you are feeling this way? This sounds like he thinks of you as a piece of meat, a trophy to hang on his arm when he goes out and to take to the parents for holidays because he either can't outwardly accept his homo/bi-sexuality (which makes me have to ask if you two even have sex and if you do is it good or does it seem more of a task for him?)

You are not alone. But this does not sound like love to me. I'm sure you are now trying to come up with redeeming features about this guy to prove to us and yourself that he is worth the pain and torment that you are going through, but no one is worth it if you are feeling this low, this hopeless and thinking that no life is better than doing something to make your life better.

With that, I will take the acronym of my favorite advice columnist, Dan Savage, and say DTMFA! For those who are unfamiliar with that, DUMP THE MOTHER FUCKING ASS. Plain and blunt here, the picture you are painting of this guy is a controlling, uncaring, selfish prick who is using you. DTMFA and go back to or find a psych to help you deal with these feelings. It is totally possible that you do not have the makeup to be a mono in a poly relationship (not that this relationship is poly, it's screaming abusive to me), and if that is the case, then don't get into a relationship with someone who is truly poly.

Please, for the love of YOURSELF, get help and get rid of him.

classycaveman 04-04-2010 02:31 AM

DUMP HIM. For all the reasons pointed out by the previous posters.

I know you love him but you're only hurting yourself by staying. Get out, and value yourself.

Your feelings and wants are important. I think you know this in your head but you don't seem to act on it. It's possible I'm personalizing this, it took me a long time to realize that I instinctively take care of everyone else before I take care of myself, even if I don't really like them... I empathize with them... I think I do it because it takes my mind off my own problems. But I digress...

Take care of yourself first. Start by getting rid of this guy.


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