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-   -   Lesbian with asexual partner Interested in poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24411)

Autumn 06-05-2012 08:09 AM

Lesbian with asexual partner Interested in poly
This is my first time venturing into an online community. *I have read a few threads prior to joining and I am impressed by the openness, warmth and respect shared.*

*Not used to posting but I have been taught good manners *- so hi from me and a little intro ;

I am a lesbian & in a 12 year relationships with woman who to this day totally impresses and amuses me. I feel we have had a charmed life together so far. We have built a lovely home, supported each other through some external challenges/family dramas, *had *some fancy trips overseas and some equally stunning simple camping adventures in nature, have a good circle of genuine friends who have been there for us, and we have started a family together. We have 2 infant children and a cat. We value similar things in life and she knows me probably more than anyone, including myself sometimes.*

Sex faded from our relationship early on and it has taken me *years to accept that it might not change. *Loosing this connection has felt like some type of separation from her and I still grieve it. *After much reading and talking we both think she may be asexual. But we don't care for labels really. Anyway i have come to accept that sex does not rate for her.

Last year we both read a few good books, the ethical slut and opening up and agreed to an open relationship. I had a lover for a few months whom I developed a warm connection with and had some yummy sex. I also learnt that I could not separate sex from feelings and wanted to have something more poly.*

So here we are learning more about poly, trying to expand our experience and nurture our relationship at the same time.*

Not sure if others have come to this pace from the same origin ( ie an asexual partner ). Sometimes we wonder if we would go there if it were not for that reason. We are both open minded *and willing to try. It has been encouraging to read stories here where it has been positive for others. It is so hard to imagine a poly lifestyle without having any models around us.*

Oh did I mention we live in Sydney, Australia.*So here I am hoping to learn some more, find some support, maybe validation at finding some shared experience,


kdt26417 06-05-2012 01:56 PM

Hi Autumn,
Welcome to our forum.

People come into polyamorous living from all kinds of different situations, and I'm sure we have some asexuals (as well as people who are well learned in the needs and issues surrounding the asexual community).

The great thing about poly (and open relationships) is all the new options it opens up. I'm sure it has already been a good thing in your life.

Glad you could join us.
Kevin T.

CielDuMatin 06-05-2012 04:10 PM

It sounds like you are approaching this with a very open and responsible way of thinking, and this bodes very well for the future. The fact that you have been able to talk openly with each other about sex, and recognise the imbalance in your needs and how to resolve them speaks volumes for you.

I am not surprised that you find that can't separate sex from love - some can, but many other can't.

In case you are interested in face-to-face meetings with other poly folks, there is an NSW poly group based in Sydney that, apparently have socials once a month. Those can be great ways to just SEE that there are others out there who think like you and can be BE, rather than making a big deal out of it. I don't know it personally, but can provide you with a link so that you can do some more research - http://polyamory.org.au/nsw

I wish you luck on your journey.

Autumn 06-05-2012 09:22 PM

Thanks you both for your warm welcome & for the information about the local groups. We have a newborn baby so it has been hard to get out in the evenings but will be brave in the summer ( we are in autumn here) :)

blytheandbonny 06-05-2012 09:27 PM

Hello Autumn! Welcome to the forum. :)

There are all kinds of configurations around here and different stories about why various partners are in this world. I think you will find kindred spirits.

What does your partner think about poly for herself? Depending upon where she falls on the asexuality spectrum, there could be a lot of unexpected variables in play since this is all so new to you guys. Does she yet know how she is going to feel about your potentially having all of the tender romantic things you two share with someone else plus the added element of sex with that person?

Sounds like you're taking a slow, thoughtful approach.

Autumn 06-05-2012 10:01 PM

Thanks for the welcome,

It is a misty morning here and I have just asked my partner those good questions. She says she is interested in poly and it feels like her inclination but does not see herself being interested in another person sexually, although she has had romantic crushes with friends.

She sometimes has this view about me only having with another what I don't have with her, ie sex. That would be less threatening to her I suppose. She has been listening to the poly podcasts on her way to work and trying to unlearn a lot of ideas we have been raised with.

We have a lot to work but the process has been loving and supportive. We both feel closer since we started this journey.

nycindie 06-05-2012 11:58 PM


Originally Posted by Autumn (Post 138546)
She sometimes has this view about me only having with another what I don't have with her, ie sex. That would be less threatening to her I suppose.

Hi and welcome. There are a few other folks from down under here.

I agree that it sounds like you are both taking a careful, considerate approach and that is good. I also just wanted to respond to the part of your post I quoted. Many people in long-term relationships feel that they could handle their partner being sexual with someone else, but not emotionally intimate. I think that it is easy for the long-term partner to imagine those tender moments they share together and not want to lose that special feeling they have by seeing their loved one share "the same things" with someone else.

However, it would never -- could never -- be the same, because those intimate moments are between different people and unique to them.

Whatever you have with a new partner simply would not be what you have with her. So, what is the threat, exactly?

Even if, outwardly, it looked like a partner was sharing the same kind of intimacy with someone else that they share with us, like activities such as breakfast in bed or deep conversations about their hopes and dreams, for example, it wouldn't be like the first partner is losing anything (provided the poly partner does not substitute intimacy with the new person for intimacy with the established partner). Sure, there would be a loss of time spent with the partner, necessarily because they are now spending time with someone else - but regarding love, tender emotions, and intimacy beyond the physical, each relationship would simply have its own unique dynamic. That is not to say that the long-term relationship would not be affected, but I don't see that a partner's developing intimate feelings like love, caring, and affection with someone else needs to automatically be threatening.

So, I think it's very important, when a fear or insecurity comes up, to question it and keep drilling down to all possibilities, so that you would both be able to see the realities of a situation. It is totally possible for a person to be intimate on all levels with multiple partners and not shortchange any of them, emotionally, but it takes compassion and a bit of balancing. And lots and lots of talking. :)

Autumn 06-06-2012 02:59 AM

Thank you so much for your thoughts and wisdom nycindy.

You have given my partner things to think about.

I have to tell you that I was excited that you replied. I have read many of your posts and find you very wise, sensitive, sensible and insightful.

I am so glad to have found this forum as I think it will be a good support for my partner and I as we venture/adventure into this rich new experience. I like the transparency of sharing and being accountable to others, exposing and being able to have the wisdom of many others who have lived experience.

Autumn 06-06-2012 03:01 AM

Sorry about the wrong spelling , NYCindie :)

nycindie 06-06-2012 11:48 AM


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