Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Confident Persona After Being Insecure; is it Possible? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2435)

Vexxed 04-02-2010 03:42 AM

Confident Persona After Being Insecure; is it Possible?
 
Hello lovely poly people!

I posted a thread here 6 weeks ago about comparing myself to one of my metamours. Fortunately, I've began to like myself more since then, so I no longer feel inferior to him.

Monday morning I admitted that I was feeling very insecure, because I thought that I said things that made me sound needy or desperate. I had only admitted insecurity "outright" once before, about 2 months prior. I was confident the first month of our relationship, down the second, slightly better the 3rd, still better the 4th, then I crumbled under feelings of insecurity this week.

Starting 4 weeks ago I finally started building up and developing a confident persona. I feel that I'm late on doing so, being 5 months into the relationship, but it did seem to be working :). She seemed to be even more into me, and she was having more fun too!

Since admitting being insecure this Monday I've been so paranoid that I killed the NRE that was flowing between us. I've worried that she now has less respect for me, or will desire me less.

If I remain stable and act confidently, will she ever view me as a confident and assertive male? Is it possible?

NeonKaos 04-02-2010 12:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vexxed (Post 25372)

If I remain stable and act confidently, will she ever view me as a confident and assertive male? Is it possible?


If you remain stable, AND you are a good enough actor, then I would have to say that yes, it is possible that one day she may view you as a confident and assertive male.

But that's a BIG "if", and an even bigger "and".

GroundedSpirit 04-02-2010 03:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vexxed (Post 25372)
.............
If I remain stable and act confidently, will she ever view me as a confident and assertive male? Is it possible?

She (and everyone else) will view you as a confident and secure person WHEN YOU BECOME ONE !

So get to it :)

Don't play games.

GS

CielDuMatin 04-02-2010 04:20 PM

I firmly believe that people have the capacity to grow and improve themselves.

I would politely suggest that you are asking the wrong question - you are basing your success on whether you are secure on what someone else thinks about you. That isn't a secure question.

Come to terms with yourself. Celebrate your strengths, recognise and come to terms with your weaknesses. Other people will think what they think. Remember that people see you filtered through their own life paradigms and can most definitely provide a very slanted view (like looking at yourself in one of those fairground mirrors).

Will people think more of you if you are secure in yourself? Usually yes. But you need to be doing it for yourself, not in order to make someone else like you more...

So work on being comfortable in your own skin.... for yourself.

EdibleStrange 04-02-2010 04:27 PM

You know, to feel insecure is quite natural and normal. Those are feelings everyone deals with, even outside of romantic relationships.

The problem here, in my opinion, is not your feelings. You probably have good reasons for feeling the way you do. The problem (again, in my opinion) is what you're DOING with your feelings. Rather than confronting them and dealing with them, you seem to be more focused on changing the way you lover percieves you.

I agree with Ciel; this is about YOU! You would feel insecure with or without her. So relax, and work on coping with your feelings for your sake, not anyone else's.

Vexxed 04-02-2010 11:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by EdibleStrange (Post 25407)

The problem here, in my opinion, is not your feelings. You probably have good reasons for feeling the way you do. The problem (again, in my opinion) is what you're DOING with your feelings. Rather than confronting them and dealing with them, you seem to be more focused on changing the way you lover percieves you.

You are right. I am very concerned with how she sees me.

Should I lay it all out and have another talk with her?

Update: She just came over. Her other boyfriend and I are roommates, as I've mentioned before.

I was able to have a 10 min talk with her. I opened up. We have a date tomorrow, and we are planning to talk much more then.

EdibleStrange 04-02-2010 11:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Vexxed (Post 25439)
I feel like having insecurity can disqualify a secondary partner, which is what I am. If I were her primary, I'd feel differently.

Well, by that standard, nobody can be a secondary. Like I said, everyone feels insecure sometimes. It's a natural and normal feeling. I feel like sometimes the poly community puts a lot of pressure on us to ignore/repress/forget about our natural human emotions, rather than confronting them and dealing with them on a daily basis. It is 100% okay to feel the way you feel.

Now...on to what to DO about how you feel...

Ask yourself where your insecurity is coming from.

Is it coming from her? Is she doing things and saying things that are causing you pain? If so, you need to talk to her about her actions and your emotional response to them. Things may be at am impasse if this is the case. She may be unwilling/unable to change her behavior, and you may be unwilling/unable to deal with how her behavior makes you feel. And there's nothing wrong with that.

Is it coming from inside yourself (this is the most likely)? Would you STILL be feeling insecure about yourself even if she wasn't in your life? Even if the pair of you were monogamous? From here, it gets more complicated, and I can't be as much of a guide, because I'm not a therapist, and I can only root out so much for you. If you believe your insecurity is coming from inside yourself, by all means, have a second talk with her, but don't expect her to be your therapist either. She is your lover, not your doctor, and you aren't with her to uncover the depths of your psyche.

You are with her because you love her, and she makes you happy. So, love her, and be happy.

Vexxed 04-03-2010 08:12 AM

She doesn't do anything to make me feel insecure.

It is from within me. If her and I were monogamous, I would have had the same insecurities.

She actually has a PhD in psychology. Nevertheless, she isn't my therapist. She is my lover.

I have resolved the specific insecurities that troubled me a month ago. Now, I'm insecure about having not been confident to begin with. That is what worries me. Since then I've tried acting confident around her, but slipped while doing so, because I was critiquing my every move.

Breathesgirl 04-03-2010 12:18 PM

It is a long road, for sure, but one we have all traveled at one time or another.

When you move and act like you are a secure person you will eventually start to believe it yourself. Once you start believing it you will no longer have to 'act' secure because you will believe that you are.

Getting those insecurities out into the light of day so they can be dealt with is a huge step. It means we are facing down our demons and relegating them to the outer reaches of space.

RickPlus 04-04-2010 02:12 AM

Hi Vexxed,
It is totally possible to become a secure person after being insecure. I did it. But it is very hard to change your personalty and you will back slide from time to time.

There is some truth in 'fake it until you make it'. If you present yourself as a friendly outgoing person, eventually people will believe you. And then it is a LOT easier to be one.

This link is to a post where I talked about How I changed my personality

Warm regards, Rick


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:53 AM.