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-   -   poly relationship with another couple (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24323)

jones 05-31-2012 10:26 AM

poly relationship with another couple
 
me and my partner are in a relationship with a bi couple, we are both bi so we see them both but I am finding it really hard to get my head around my bf relationship with the girl please help me move pass this so I can be happy for them both :(

jones 05-31-2012 10:29 AM

just to add, at the start of the relationship there were a lot of lying to me and her bf, he fell in love with her and didn't tell me before he told her, we see other people and I am fine with him sleeping with other people but it has gotten hard when love and lie got involved x

CielDuMatin 05-31-2012 12:17 PM

Lying is quite often a major barrier to the trust that is required in order to have a good, happy relationship. It takes a lot of work on the part of the people that lied to try to mend that.

Have you talked about this with them? Talked about how, because of what happened, you are struggling to trust them? If so, what was their reaction?

Here is an article on the concept of an Emotional Bank Account which I have found very useful in understanding this sort of dynamic. http://www.lifetrainingonline.com/bl...nk-account.htm

I think it might explain some of what you have been facing - maybe it can help you get a better handle on things to communicate your needs to your partners.

This stuff is very difficult, and requires real teamwork from all involved to make work again.

JaneQSmythe 05-31-2012 12:30 PM

From what I can gather you were not bothered by the sexual components of your boyfriend's other relationships - but your boyfriend fell in love with this woman without keeping you informed of the changing nature of the relationship, in fact lying about it.

What is the nature of your "relationship" with this other couple (i.e. was it originally intended to be a swinging/sexual relationship only)? Did this relationship come into place before your boyfriend fell for this woman or as a result of it?

Had you and he talked about polyamory and what might happen if someone fell in love with an outside sexual partner prior to this?

On this forum there is a lot of focus on honesty and communication being essential to healthy loving relationships. Lying at the start is certainly a hurdle to overcome - however, if you two had never discussed the possibilities of love entering the equation you may have had different expectations of "when" it was appropriate to disclose that development. Is lying about relationships a pattern of his? Has the lying stopped?

You will find many stories here and advice given to others who were struggling with their feelings about their significant other having feelings for someone else. If you could give us some insight as to what "in particular" is bothering you about his relationship with her people could offer specific advise.

JaneQ

jones 05-31-2012 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 137954)
Lying is quite often a major barrier to the trust that is required in order to have a good, happy relationship. It takes a lot of work on the part of the people that lied to try to mend that.

Have you talked about this with them? Talked about how, because of what happened, you are struggling to trust them? If so, what was their reaction?

I have spoke to my bf and the girl, my bf says its in the past and I need to get over and I need to forgive him and forget about it. the girl says I need to be happy etc but she knows that I am uncomfortable with her doing certain things but she doesn't stop, its so hard because I love her too but sometimes I hate her. I am struggling that they lied and what if they lie again.

my bf doesn't want anymore children but she risked getting pregnant with his child, they didn't use a condom and she had to take the pill and didn't tell her bf in order to protect her relationship with my bf and now her bf thinks she miscarried. She said once that her bf wouldn't mind being a father regardless of who the father was but what about me or my children.

it seems like they care but they just want me to get over it so they can be happy....


Here is an article on the concept of an Emotional Bank Account which I have found very useful in understanding this sort of dynamic. http://www.lifetrainingonline.com/bl...nk-account.htm

I think it might explain some of what you have been facing - maybe it can help you get a better handle on things to communicate your needs to your partners.

This stuff is very difficult, and requires real teamwork from all involved to make work again.

thanks for replying xx

jones 05-31-2012 12:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe (Post 137955)
From what I can gather you were not bothered by the sexual components of your boyfriend's other relationships - but your boyfriend fell in love with this woman without keeping you informed of the changing nature of the relationship, in fact lying about it.

What is the nature of your "relationship" with this other couple (i.e. was it originally intended to be a swinging/sexual relationship only)? Did this relationship come into place before your boyfriend fell for this woman or as a result of it?

when we first started this, it was just sex, I started to see the guy and then the girl, we had joint meets and 1on1 meets, I told my bf that I loved them and I was scared about telling them, I told the girl two days after my bf told her (but I didn't know at the time) and told the guy a few days later but he doesn't love me, he cares about me a lot but we think he cant express his emotions. so the relationship started before he told her but it was decided by my bf and her that this was happening and we were in relationship, no really asked me what I thought about it.


Had you and he talked about polyamory and what might happen if someone fell in love with an outside sexual partner prior to this?

[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]we talked about it but I don't want a ploy relationship as such, whenever we talk about days out, he invites them or holidays, he says he wants them to come, it feels like we have lost our small family unit... we have been together nearly ten years but he compares them in the same light as me and I wish I was more important
[/COLOR]
On this forum there is a lot of focus on honesty and communication being essential to healthy loving relationships. Lying at the start is certainly a hurdle to overcome - however, if you two had never discussed the possibilities of love entering the equation you may have had different expectations of "when" it was appropriate to disclose that development. Is lying about relationships a pattern of his? Has the lying stopped?

[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]he has lied a lot in our relationship and that was why I was so hurt, to my knowledge yes but I can't be sure...
[/COLOR]

You will find many stories here and advice given to others who were struggling with their feelings about their significant other having feelings for someone else. If you could give us some insight as to what "in particular" is bothering you about his relationship with her people could offer specific advise.

JaneQ

[COLOR="rgb(255, 0, 255)"]thanks for replying x[/COLOR]

jones 06-01-2012 07:11 AM

can someone please help me xx

CielDuMatin 06-01-2012 12:31 PM

This idea that you need to "get over it" is insulting to you and your feelings. They hurt you by lying to you, and they need to go a long way towards helping you mend it.

If they care so little about you that they are not willing to do this, then I think that you need to question whether this is really a good relationship for you.

jones 06-01-2012 02:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 138054)
This idea that you need to "get over it" is insulting to you and your feelings. They hurt you by lying to you, and they need to go a long way towards helping you mend it.

If they care so little about you that they are not willing to do this, then I think that you need to question whether this is really a good relationship for you.


thanks for replying it s so hard cos I love them all....
if I told my bf I want to stop, he won't be happy and may go behind my back, sometimes I know they have had sex and I don't want to see her or have joint sessions where I have to watch them have sex, the girl's bf feels the same and he feels my bf rubs it in that he is sleeping with her and he is better than her bf, me and her bf are so alike with how we feel about this but we don't want to lose each other if we say anything

CielDuMatin 06-01-2012 07:56 PM

This really isn't sounding very healthy for you - a lot of the way you word things sound like you are sort of feeling like you have no choice and they are trying to make you do things that you aren't completely comfortable doing, in the interests of staying together - am I reading this wrongly, or are you sort of feeling this way?


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