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chica4573 05-31-2012 01:34 AM

In Love and Overwhelmed
Hi I've been married to my husband for 13 years. We have been in a monogamous relationship. I have reconnected with someone from my past and he would like to pursue a relationship. He is married and has one other partner. This would be a LDR since he is several states away. I have never been in any kind of open relationship before but I am hoping to learn how this could work for us. My husband would never be accepting of this arrangment so it would be kept from him. I'm just a bit overwhelmed.

Pretzels 05-31-2012 01:54 AM

I'm no expert, but this sounds a little less like polyamory and more like cheating.

Before you do something you really regret, ask yourself why you want to stay married to your husband instead of going off to be with this other person.

chica4573 05-31-2012 06:03 PM

Thank you for your reply and honesty. That is part of the conflict for me. I guess that if this new relationship was truly open then I would be willing to leave my husband because I feel suffocated. Not truly me but there are old tapes playing in my head about how everything "should" be. I guess my husband is my safety net. That isn't really fair to him. He also needs to be in the kind of relationship he wants, which he cannot get from me.

My new partner has a wife of 20+ years and ten years ago they decided to both pursue relationships outside of marriage. As time went on, his new relationship became the focus and he and his wife became basically roommates. After a couple of years he and his girlfriend brought another woman in to their relationship and as that developed he dropped his girlfriend (they are still friends) and has been exclusive with the new partner. He has discussed me with his girlfriend and his wife. They have been very positive since they know our history (we have known each other since high school). BUT, I'm not even sure that he is poly because he isn't open to me having another relationship besides him. But since I'm not familiar with it, I am here hoping to get feedback.

I do love him and want to have a solid relationship with him but it can't be exclusive.

CielDuMatin 05-31-2012 10:48 PM

Well, there's nothing inherantly wrong in a poly person being in relationships with monogamous people... HOWEVER, that has to be done with the agreement and consent - in other words it shouldn't be something that he demands of you if you are not 100% willing to give it and be happy. To me that is a red flag that absolutely needs to be cleared up before you get involved with him.

And yes, the other major red flag here is the fact that you are doing all this without your husband's knowledge. It is assumed that your husband has the expectation that you two are monogamous (and I assumed that you made the corresponding wedding vows and promises) - so that would be cheating which is (by my definition) absolutely not what polyamory is.

SNeacail 05-31-2012 11:10 PM


Originally Posted by chica4573 (Post 137980)
That is part of the conflict for me. I guess that if this new relationship was truly open then I would be willing to leave my husband because I feel suffocated.

WTF? If it was truly open, you would be open and honest with your husband, not screw around behind his back. If your marriage isn't working, figure out how to fix it or end it, preferably with the help of a marriage counselor. With some work, your husband may be willing to explore a different marriage dynamic that works better for the both of you, but you won't know that without talking about it. Deal with your marriage issues before entering into other outside relationships. No one deserves to be cheated on and lied to.

dingedheart 06-01-2012 02:19 AM

I don't think you will get any advice on how to cheat on your husband.

Why do you want to stay married? You want to join a harem ...and be 1 pf 3 ....and not be free .....that sounds wildly hypocritical.....and some might find that suffocating.

km34 06-01-2012 06:20 AM

I'm not understanding your desire to be with this guy... He was married, started dating, dropped his wife (still friends, but not romantic, then? that's what I get from them being basically roommates). Then he and girlfriend start dating third, but he eventually drops girlfriend (once again, still friends, but not romantic). What's going to stop him from dating you a while, dropping third then starting to date someone new and dropping you?

He seems to have a cycle of only being romantic with one person at a time and the others just fade back into friendship. While I don't oppose this since it is all done openly and honestly, I encourage you to decide if that is really what you want to be a part of.

Also, reiterating what others have said... 'Fess up to your husband. Be honest with him and see if you can improve that relationship or if you're not in love anymore and don't feel like you can remain married, end it. Don't cheat. That won't help anything and could potentially hurt a lot of people.

kdt26417 06-01-2012 08:01 AM

Hi chica4573,
Welcome to the forum.

What the others have said is true, honesty needs to be 100%, and you need to sit down with your husband (with a poly-friendly counselor if possible), to figure out if your marriage with him can be re-worked/resolved in a way that works for both of you.

Also, have a caution about this "other guy from your past." He seems to have a habit of periodically changing partners. You could be giving up your marriage to your husband, only to get a temporary relationship in return.

Really I think you should take some serious quiet time by yourself and just think. "What is it that I really want? How can that goal be met? Is there a way to go about that with the least possible harm to the least number of people?

Tell your husband you feel suffocated. He has to know. Have some long heart-to-hearts with him before giving up on the marriage. And like I said, be aware of what you will have when the marriage has been dissolved. Will you have the life you want? If not, what would you need to do to get that? and as always, things need to be done so the least possible number of people suffer the smallest amount of hurt.

Don't rush anything right now. Give yourself some time to think.

I hope we can be of some help.
Kevin T.

nycindie 06-01-2012 10:13 PM

To be completely honest, the guy from your past sounds like a total schmuck by the way he discards partners and is expecting you to be with no one else in order to be with him, while he is with other people. How is that supposed to work, anyway, being that you're married? If I were you, I'd tell him to take a hike.

It sounds like you're looking for some way out and are willing to put up with what he's proposed out of desperation. Don't choose to be a liar and cheater. Does your husband really deserve that? Do you need that kind of hit to your self-esteem to be a secret mistress, hiding and telling lies? To be with someone who sounds like he would only use you anyway?

I think SNeacail said it very well. Get into counseling or therapy and work on your marriage. Figure out what you want and learn how to communicate with your husband. Stay or leave, but don't cheat.

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