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-   -   Yay, I'm confused (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24287)

iostwn 05-30-2012 03:12 AM

Yay, I'm confused
First ever post.

So, my wife of a long time came out that she's poly.

Cool, right? Envision all the great conversations, the fear, the jealousy. Even hot swinging topics, but of course with rules, and boundaries set. We're going to ease into this like a boiling hot tub. We like the concept, we just don't want to get burned.

Here I am trying to figure out how I feel about this; it turns out I'm a closet poly. I've just gotten so USED to mono. Yes, I've had yearnings, connections, too, I've had leanings, I just never knew how to verbalize it. I've been so mono, and hurt in mono relationships, that I've been conflicted about how this is going to turn out (projection, naturally). Working it out, I'm going to embrace this better.

Just how do you come to compersion? I'm finding I need to let go when she's out "messing around" or whatever is coming (none of it has "happened" yet).

Duh, but yeah, what do I need, a hobby?


dingedheart 05-30-2012 05:14 AM

Hi and welcome,

A hobby or nice loving partner or two for yourself. I'd start the hunt asap as you might find it bit harder than she will so the earlier the better. Meeting and dating is a great built in distraction.

Good luck D

iostwn 05-30-2012 03:23 PM

Thanks, so that's what we all keep telling me (wife, friends, self). Does it make it...


It's the mourning of loss that I think is really it. sniffles.

ThatGirlInGray 05-30-2012 04:26 PM

Since none of it has happened yet, it may be that when you actually see how excited/happy/grateful she is when she comes home from "messing around" you'll feel compersion without having to do anything too specific to "make" it happen (I put "make" in quotes because let's face it, you can't really force yourself to feel something). And hopefully, once this moves from the hypothetical to the reality, you'll also be able to realize (with her support) that you haven't lost anything. But I can understand how it looks like that when you're just starting to change your mindset from mono to poly. :)

dingedheart 05-30-2012 11:24 PM

That compersion thing is a great goal but starting out I'd focus on survival.

Mourning the loss can be a big deal in itself. Your marriage and dynamic is changing and will continue to with addition of different people, time and attention all things to get use to.

Happy for her that she got in on with another guy but came home to you might be difficult under lab conditions....unless your into that. I just avoided contact in those situations.

psychomia 05-31-2012 06:49 AM

I'm hoping myself that I come to the compersion phase with my new relationship. I was feeling really uncomfortable with NRE... really on edge between contact... and if E told me about any dates he'd been on I'd just end up feeling miffed if not downright jealous because we don't see each other much. after telling him about how I was feeling he's made sure to have regular contact with me and it gives me warm fuzzies so I hope that I will end up feeling compersion soon :)

I'm new at this, too. my lover of many years who is now FWB (although we've been hitting bumps lately and not knowing if we're FWB or lovers or BF/GF) is struggling badly with emotions and communication and I don't know if either of us will feel compersion for the other. I hope we do. I would like to see him fall in love with someone who gives him what I can't. it's made me very sad for years that he has an emptiness that I cannot fill and I hope that he finds someone who can.

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