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-   -   About dating a couple (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24265)

Ignea 05-28-2012 11:18 PM

About dating a couple
 
Hey everyone,
I think I need some advice. Really need it, actually.

So, I'm a 23 cisgendered bisexual female who has been dating this couple (a man and a woman) for about six months. They are amazing and treat me really well, but...
Here is the deal: when I met them, I was told that they weren't really poly, that just received "visitors" every now and then. Back then that was OK for me and was more then eager to go to bed with them. Mostly beacuse I had never been in love and didn't really think that this could happen in a situation like that.
Only we continued seeing each other frequently, we became friends and I fell for them.
Now I really don't know what to do. We never really talked about what is going on between the three of us and I am deadly scared that if I say anything about how I feel they will tell me they won't want to see me anymore. I keep trying to read between the lines of what they do or say and that is really driving me crazy!
(And, yes, most of the time I feel pathetic and with the emotional level of a 13 year old.)
Any tips on how to aproach the subject?

AnnabelMore 05-29-2012 12:58 AM

If they'd kick you to the curb for having feelings about them, well, would that really be a situation you'd want to stay in?

I was actually in kind of a similar position a couple of years back. I'd been hooking up with my two friends, Gia and Eric (see subject line). After the first few months, Gia brought up the fact that she thought of her and me as girlfriends (talk about being direct!) but clarified that Eric was not looking for an emotional relationship. This was cool with me at first but I began to develop feelings for him. It started to really bug me that he and I had never talked directly about it but I didn't know how to bring it up.

Finally, I who wrote him a very long email about communication in our friendship and how I wanted to make sure that he and I could speak freely about anything, like for example sex stuff -- I'd kind of like to get it rougher now and then! -- or feelings -- I didn't know firsthand where we stood on the subject of feelings! So, I sort of hid "I'm hella into you" in there as an implication along with other things. He seemed to get the message because he wrote back a very clear email where he addressed all my points -- sure, rougher sex is cool! -- and explained in no uncertain terms his lack of desire for a romantic relationship -- on the subject of feelings, we stand firmly in the land of friendship!

So that was that. Normally in cases of unrequited feelings I'd just remove myself from the situation -- best way to get over it is to distance yourself. But that would have severely impacted my relationship with his wife -- she has anxiety issues and, at the time, felt much more comfortable opening up sexually with him there, plus they're just together a lot generally. So, I stuck it out, kept reminding myself over and over that he'd said "no", started dating someone else (Davis, see subject line) in addition to Gia... not as a way to get over Eric, but it did help... and now I actually can just see him as a close, sexy friend and not get emo about it.

Um, I'm not sure if that story was helpful but it just started coming out? Sorry if it's not super relevant. Anyway, I would be direct with them (sit them down for a conversation) if you can bring yourself to be brave enough to do so, or semi-direct (email them and imply there might be a feelings conversation to be had) if you can't. And if it's just going to cause you heartache to be around them if they really do just want sex, I would step away, start seeing them less. There are other individuals and other couples who WILL be willing to do something deeper with you.

They might need some time to talk this over amongst themselves, so if you do choose to go the direct route you could still consider bringing it up in a light way to start and not having the full conversation right then. If they're not totally oblivious and you're fairly straightforward chances are good they will pick up on what you're saying and discuss it in private, and then potentially be more prepared and less freaked out when you guys have the "real" talk. If that makes sense. In complicated situations like these often people don't know what to say because they doing know exactly how they feel, they need time to process.

It might also help to be clear on what you're asking. What would dating mean to you? Social outings that don't involve sex? Hand holding? Confessions of tender feelings? Or just the openness to knowing that these things could potentially happen? That's what I'd be going for, is the openness to know that it's ok if you have feelings and even show them, and that there's some level of interest in reciprocating on their part, rather then anything specific. Social outings, aka dates, are fun too. :D

Good general thoughts for your situation here: www.morethantwo.com/coupledating.html

Good luck!!!

Ignea 05-29-2012 01:18 AM

Thanks for the answer!
Actually, your story was pretty helpful! Since we have been going in a sort of BDSM path lately I could totally e-mail them talking about these sort of things and including something about feelings in the middle. (If you donīt mind me coping you. rs).

Other thing your post made me realize is that... I think what I just need is to be able to express really. Because you see, the whole Social outings that don't involve sex and Hand holding stuff... we already do that.

Thank You!

AnnabelMore 05-29-2012 01:55 AM

Haha, stealing my brilliant plan! Yes! Let us know how it goes!!

PS - BDSM threesomes ftmfw.

LotusesandRoses 05-29-2012 02:58 AM

Is the cisgendered thing important for a reason I'm missing?

A relationship with a couple is actually three relationships: A relationship with each partner, and then your relationship with the couple. I'd suggest going out and just saying what's on your mind - If one or both says they're not seeking a romantic relationship with you, better to know it now than let this just go nowhere and then be terribly disappointed when reality hits.

dragonflysky 05-29-2012 07:22 AM

[QUOTE=Ignea;137676]......... Mostly beacuse I had never been in love and didn't really think that this could happen in a situation like that.......
(And, yes, most of the time I feel pathetic and with the emotional level of a 13 year old.)

Ignea......be gentle with yourself, please. :) If you haven't been in love before you wouldn't necessarily know what to expect, much less in a more non-traditional relationship.

Ignea 05-29-2012 11:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LotusesandRoses (Post 137698)
Is the cisgendered thing important for a reason I'm missing?

A relationship with a couple is actually three relationships: A relationship with each partner, and then your relationship with the couple. I'd suggest going out and just saying what's on your mind - If one or both says they're not seeking a romantic relationship with you, better to know it now than let this just go nowhere and then be terribly disappointed when reality hits.

Ahn... Not really? I guess I just spend too much time in tumblr where it's common for people to introduce themselves like this.
Is it a problem somehow? (Like, does it make people uncomfortable or something?)

Yeah, I know it's better to say something... Been trying to gather the courage, tough. It's HOW to say something that is disturbing me right now.

LotusesandRoses 05-29-2012 11:53 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ignea (Post 137739)
Ahn... Not really? I guess I just spend too much time in tumblr where it's common for people to introduce themselves like this.
Is it a problem somehow? (Like, does it make people uncomfortable or something?)

Yeah, I know it's better to say something... Been trying to gather the courage, tough. It's HOW to say something that is disturbing me right now.

I don't speak for everyone, but the majority of people are cisgendered, and I've never seen the word outside of the context of trans issues. (No, the majority of people here are not made uncomfortable by trans issues.)

How old are you?

Ignea 05-29-2012 12:45 PM

Oh, I didn't mean to imply people would be bother by trans issues...It's just that english is not my native language, obviously, so I keep stumbling on what is appropriate (like, what words) and what is not in wich context.
So, if I make some mistake or offend anyone, or make someone uneasy, please tell me...

Also, I'm 23, like I said in my original post.

niceinjeans 05-29-2012 01:50 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ignea (Post 137750)
Oh, I didn't mean to imply people would be bother by trans issues...It's just that english is not my native language, obviously, so I keep stumbling on what is appropriate (like, what words) and what is not in wich context.
So, if I make some mistake or offend anyone, or make someone uneasy, please tell me...

Also, I'm 23, like I said in my original post.

Your English is certainly better than my non-existent grasp of Portuguese. :)

I believe you are accurately expressing yourself, and most people will ask if they have a question about something you write.


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