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-   -   Hmm How many fantasize about.. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24251)

laughingowl 05-28-2012 06:48 AM

Hmm How many fantasize about..
 
their partner and their partner(s).


While she is not currently in another relationship, it is an open possibility.

Likewise, while I certainly would not expect to be part of said relationship if one did develop, would have to admit I am pretty sure it would fuel some fantasies. (probably both the me being involved... and or just the spectator, or me just imagining...)

So others will to post.... Folks think this is normal or Am I just a freak....

AnnabelMore 05-28-2012 02:46 PM

Oh hell yeah, totally. Not everyone experiences it, but it's far from uncommon. Some call it "sexual compersion".

wildflowers 06-02-2012 08:27 PM

My husband certainly does it; you are not alone.

A word of warning though: be careful in your communication about this. Some might like to hear this positive reaction, but not all (or at least not all the time). My husband has a habit of bringing it up while we're having sex. To me the style of his interest comes across as intrusive, as he would love to know things that to me are private. And this completely turns me off. Also it kind of makes me feel that he's not really paying attention to me in the moment.

JaneQSmythe 06-02-2012 08:56 PM

I used to fantasize about joining Dude and his ex-girlfriend (when they were together) - mainly about me and him working together to drive her crazy. (Interestingly enough - a few months later when they were broken up and he and I were together, the opportunity arose and I was not at all interested in pursuing that fantasy IRL anymore; although I would have been up for it at the time when they were together and he and I weren't. if MrS hadn't voiced his objections :rolleyes:)

I fantasize about MrS being with other women, sometimes I'm "involved" and sometimes I am just watching. MrS doesn't have a girlfriend so these are mainly vague fantasies unless I am picturing girls we were with in the early years of our relationship.

I know MrS enjoys thinking about me being sexual with other women and has greatly enjoyed the times that he has been invited to watch or participate. (I suspect the same would be true of Dude :D)

Both MrS and Dude seem to enjoy the thought of me with the other one and like seeing the other make me squirm with pleasure. But this may be more about compersion and less about sexual fantasy.

On the other hand I have a strong "exhibitionist" streak (and I think Dude does as well)...but I do find that the sexual experience is "different" if I feel I have an audience. I find that I cast my sexual awareness net farther - and feed my sexual energies off of the other person(s) excitement much more than when it is 1-on-1. I like both - wouldn't want to limit myself to only one or the other.

Just realized that I wandered off from sexual fantasies into the realm of group sex dynamics...obviously some overlap there for me.

Short answer: yes

JaneQ

Anneintherain 06-02-2012 10:01 PM

I did some with my first husband, he had a high sex drive and loved sex. Also his first girlfriend was interested in me too, so although we didn't date it certainly was something to fantasize about.

My current husband has a low libido so I don't at all because it's unrealistic, I can't for instance fantasize about MFM threesomes with him because I know IRL it wouldn't be hot and sexy, it's just be awkward. I think I fantasized all sortsa stuff with him and/or some of the cute chicks he dated early on before I realized our sex drives were so different and his relationships with them weren't based on hot carnal sexytimes.

I don't fantasize about my bf and his partners, as I haven't spent much time with them and I am pretty sure at least one of them wouldn't appreciate it.

Really I keep my fantasies in my head - I think it's kinda invasive, the idea of one of my partners and their partner verbally fantasizing about me to each other. Conversely that's why I keep my fantasies to myself, I think unless a metamour invites a flirty relationship with me, they didn't invite me to talk dirty about them. I know lots of people don't have this feeling, but I can't shake it. Doesn't stop me from having whatever thoughts I want to in my head though!

km34 06-02-2012 10:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 138219)
Really I keep my fantasies in my head - I think it's kinda invasive, the idea of one of my partners and their partner verbally fantasizing about me to each other. Conversely that's why I keep my fantasies to myself, I think unless a metamour invites a flirty relationship with me, they didn't invite me to talk dirty about them. I know lots of people don't have this feeling, but I can't shake it. Doesn't stop me from having whatever thoughts I want to in my head though!

This is pretty much how I feel, although I don't really fantasize all that much about it at all because I don't feel right about it. Their sex life is their sex life and has nothing to do with me (minus any fringe benefits I may get - i.e. increased libido due to higher self-confidence and such that comes from having multiple healthy, fulfilling relationships). Hubby and I engage in casual sex on a fairly regular basis, though, so I don't lack fantasy characters at all because I just picture him with someone he doesn't have an emotional relationship with and don't feel like I'm infringing on anything personal since I am always included in that aspect of his sex life.

JaneQSmythe 06-02-2012 10:37 PM

Anneintherain/km34:

I was mainly talking about things that I fantasize about in my own head. I don't use these fantasies as "sex talk" between me and my partners during sexy times as if I needed/wanted them to actually happen (although in some cases I wouldn't be adverse to the idea). Mainly as masturbatory materials.

I have a rich and diverse fantasy life. Just because I fantasize about something doesn't mean that I expect (or want) to realize that fantasy in real life. (For instance, I occasionally fantasize about the two of them being together - something I would not be comfortable seeing in real life and something that neither of them would want - seeing as they are both straight.) I didn't take the OP's question as limiting the conversation to fantasies that we would share with our partner's as an actual desire to realize in the flesh.

My boys don't share their specific fantasies with me either. I just have noticed that their ears perk up when the conversations turn to certain topics and observed their reactions in specific situations. I would be really turned off if one of them brought up a fantasy scenario involving someone else while we were actually engaged in sex-play - as if our current activities were somehow "not good enough."

"Dirty talk" for me is a separate topic. Dude has a tendency toward it - I am either ambivalent or turned off. My verbalization during sex tends to be more of the "yes" "more" "there" "stop" variety.

JaneQ

PinkDragon 06-03-2012 02:04 AM

You're normal!

Of course, as an abpsych prof I once had asked, "Just what exactly is "normal"? I think that what's normal is totally subjective (barring things that are completely immoral such as pedophilia, etc.)

Anneintherain 06-03-2012 06:19 AM

@ JaneQSmythe Oh I wasn't directing that at you at all. I've seen threads where people say they verbally fantasize about their other lovers with a partner, including talking about it in their blogs. I've seen a fair enough amount of it to imagine it's pretty common though.

There's nothing wrong with it, I tend to think sex is private, and I have gotten the impression that there might be a correlation between verbal fantasizing and people who are more of a voyeuristic/exhibitionist slant, or that's what I've gotten from their online persona at least.

km34 06-03-2012 07:22 AM

I also don't think it's a bad thing to fantasize in general (spoken or unspoken), but it just isn't for me unless it's someone that would be okay with the objectification (i.e. someone he (or we) meets specifically for casual sex vs. someone he meets to have a relationship with). The person met for casual sex expects to be thought about in purely sexual terms so I don't feel bad at all for fantasizing about that person in various situations, regardless of whether or not they would ever happen. The person hubby meets for a relationship, though, is expecting to be treated as a partner or at least someone closely involved in his life. I wouldn't use that person as a sexual aid even in my mind unless she approved it beforehand. It would feel like objectifying her as a sexual object instead of showing her the respect she deserves. Now, if she got flirty with me or showed any other sign that she would be into me, I would find it completely appropriate to fantasize about her and hubby with or without me being involved since she instigated a sexual aspect to my relationship with her.

I know not everyone feels this way, and I don't expect them to. It's my personal take. I find it odd that I feel this way, honestly, since I'm not usually one to talk about objectifying people in anyway. lol


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