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-   -   Conflicted poly-virgin. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24233)

Lia 05-27-2012 12:45 PM

Conflicted poly-virgin.
 
Hello everyone!

First, I must say that this forum is very informative! It would have saved me years of confusion had I found this site sooner. :)

Now that's out of the way. I'm Lia. I'm 31, a wife, mother of a young son, and super cat lover. I have been with my husband for 12 years and married for 8. My husband has always known about my bi-sexuality. He also knows that I don't want just sex with women but an emotional bond, so he is strongly against an open marriage (correct term? I'm still new to this. ;) ). I feel conflicted because while I love my husband very much and want to stay married I am severely unhappy. I feel that I am depriving myself of who I really am. I am a very sexual person, but I love hard. This has led to much confusion in my single life before my husband. I have had many sexual partners, male and female, and my husband knows all of this; I hold no secrets from him. Two of my partners became regulars and I developed feelings for them. I was confused as to why I felt this way, I knew we were just hooking up for sex. I told them how I felt and they turned me down, one even called me a "whore". I never said I wanted to be his wife or girlfriend, but that I wanted more than just sex. I never felt like a whore, I felt liberated and independent but the men I was loving didn't see it that way. My single years were spent lonely, yet sexually gratified.

I met my husband and I thought I found what I needed. I never told him candidly how I felt about exploring relationships with other people until recently. He is only open to the idea of another woman...together. I don't want that. I want to be able to be with other people with or without him. I also get the impression that he doesn't really want to have threesomes for our collective pleasure, but his own gratification in getting back at me for his feelings of not being enough for me. He doesn't get it, I guess he's too proud. It has nothing to do with him. I told him that before I met him that I was with multiple people simultaneously, albeit only sexually, and it felt right for me.

I'm sorry for rambling, but that felt good to get out. I have no friends that share my feelings or lifestyle. :(

Thanks,
Lia >''<

laughingowl 05-28-2012 06:09 AM

Lia:

The questions might be better raised in Poly Relationships Corner section. So this might be moved their (or you might want to re post there).

Too not jealous here, to totally come from your husband's standpoint but can begin to...

Relationships are a compromise, so both sides will often have to give up something, though if one side is always giving up everything, that points to an unhealthy relationship.

Question why you don't want to 'have to share' the woman you meet... would you Object to sharing (if it felt right), and/or would you object to him finding another woman?

Try to talk to him again about what You want... and what he wants...

Would you be open, would he find also acceptable..

You can find a woman you have your emotional bound with, that is not necessarily with 'him' also (though you both might enjoy leave it open to if we can 'seduce' the two of you...); however in return if we is wanting a threesome, would you be open to him possibly finding (an)other woman, and possibly engaging in a threesome (you have implied that you have in the past just hooked up to sex, so presumably you can enjoy more casual encounters).

Knowing that you are willing to consider what he wants, but you also want what you need, fulfilled might help him work towards a compromise you both feel comfortable with.

In short you may or may not reach a compromise you both can live with (hopefully you can), but the best advice is both of you need to try to talk honestly about what you both want/need, and try to reach a compromise that both can feel is fair, and gives you what you both need.

Communication and honesty really is the key to relationships that last

MadLion 05-28-2012 11:16 AM

Lia I totally understand where you're coming from, but for me it was reversed. I wanted my ex wife to have that bond with a woman that was more than just sexual. I saw that being in a Poly type of relationship had a lot of pluses. My ex, who is bi, could have a husband and a wife. Someone that we all shared a loving bond with which is much deeper than sex. I looked at it from all levels and rather than being ok with her having sexual contact with different women, I suggested that she find ONE who met her desires of the heart, mind, body and soul. Someone that we both could love equally, without jealousy or negative feelings being brought into our circle. She was more concerned with the woman falling hard for me, and messing up what we already had established, how absurd, I would never allow the thought of such, but jealousy was in that statement and I had to recognize it for what it was. Now that we are divorced and I've moved on, I now know that this type of relationship is what I desire. A triad of three loving souls who care for each other deeply, and who has each others best interest at heart. Just as a Lion has his Pride where all are working together for the common good of the Pride, realizing how vital cooperating together as one is, and knowing that there's power in numbers and amazing energy as well.

kdt26417 05-28-2012 09:05 PM

Hi Lia,
Welcome to our forum.

You have some tough choices to make about whether you can live with your husband's limitations (and for how long). Perhaps more communication with him will uncover some willingness/acceptance that he didn't know he had. There's always that possibility.

It should be helpful to be able to talk with other members on this site about your situation, as you'll encounter many sympathetic ears here, and get good advice.

I would just take some time to get to know people on this site, and do some reading (and posting) on the various threads, before you come to any definite decisions about your situation.

Re (from Lia, Post #1):
Quote:

"Two of my partners became regulars and I developed feelings for them. I was confused as to why I felt this way, I knew we were just hooking up for sex. I told them how I felt and they turned me down, one even called me a 'whore.'"
That's too bad, I'm sorry that happened. I don't know why people have to be so cruel.

It seems to me that wanting an emotional (besides just sexual) connection has nothing to do with "whoredom." I don't even know where they came up with that.

I hope you have better fortune in your future connections.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Lia 05-29-2012 03:47 AM

Thanks everyone!
 
I spoke to my husband again last night and we decided to separate. I told him exactly what I wanted and how I was feeling deprived. He said he would never been okay to the idea of an open marriage even we were just with women. I'm not entirely heartbroken since there were some revelations brought up that made me see that I'm probably better off without him.

Thank you for all of your help and concerns. I feel that this site will be beneficial to me becoming accustomed to this life. :)

Lia

opalescent 05-29-2012 10:23 PM

I'm sorry over the breakup of your relationship. Even if it is for the best, it's still sad.

kdt26417 05-30-2012 08:53 AM

Yes, I sypmathize also. Breaking up is a huge change in your life. But, I think you have looked at what would be better for the long-term happiness of both of you.

Keep posting and reading on this site; it will help you get a better idea of where you'll want to go from here.

Regards,
Kevin T.


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