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-   -   Gay couple with bisexual man interested in me, a straight woman? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=24229)

MerryMuse 05-27-2012 07:22 AM

Gay couple with bisexual man interested in me, a straight woman?
 
Hello! This is only my 2nd thread on this forum. (The other one was about possibly being targeted as a third by a straight couple.)

Well, now, I think I am possibly being targeted by a bi or bi-curious man in a committed relationship with another man.

These men have been friends of mine for years. We are close and get along fabulously. I have started to think of them both as my "gay boyfriends". We have all been through a lot together, and the possibly bi fellow in question gives me a lot of credit for helping him advance in some key areas in his life. He came right out and gave me credit verbally for some of these transformations.

Well, we've always talked pretty openly about sex. But lately, the guy who seems interested is being pretty directly flirtatious with me, and he recently referred to me as his "unofficial girlfriend". And then his partner talked about how if we "tried something" when he wasn't around, he wouldn't be threatened by it or have a problem with it. They also both mentioned several times that day that they think "experimentation" is healthy and good.

I admit that I am attracted to this guy, but I have never crossed any lines because I value my friendship with both of them tremendously. I would never betray their trust in any way. I am curious about trying something physical with him, but I would be perfectly fine being friends only for life.

I guess what I'm wondering right now is: how do I know if they are wanting it to "go there"? Should I just wait and see if they give more signals? Should I drop some hints of my own? Anyone been in this kind of situation before?

I talked to a straight guy friend of mine about this, and told him the whole story, and he said, "Yeah, that guy is bi, and he totally wants you." I feel so naive sometimes. :p

Opinions?

Thanks!

Anneintherain 05-27-2012 08:49 AM

Well...do how sure are that you want to go there, and do you feel pretty sure your friendship can withstand it if it turns out to be a misunderstanding?

Me personally, I'd probably just not say anything unless I was approached, with people who weren't out as being poly or open. Especially as you don't seem to be sure if he is bi or only bi-curious (don't have much experience with bi men, but do know that lots of women who are bi don't want to date bi-curious women - too much potential for heartbreak if it turns out you get feelings and it turns out they're all "eww yuck I guess your genitals aren't my thing after all, nevermind".

However if I did want to go there, and it was starting to eat at me not knowing, I don't think I'd drop hints, all that vague signal watching and getting other people's interpretations of what is going on gives me a headache and often doesn't seem to get anywhere when the reality of a situation finally comes out. I'd probably just come out and ask "Are you two thinking of dating outside your relationship? which gives him/them the chance to explain if there IS anything they are thinking of doing (dating, sex, swinging), then I'd take it from there.

nycindie 05-27-2012 09:59 PM

I think it's sort of funny (or telling, perhaps?) how you call others' attraction toward you being "targeted."

Quote:

Originally Posted by MerryMuse (Post 137529)
I guess what I'm wondering right now is: how do I know if they are wanting it to "go there"?

Ummm... ask him? ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Anneintherain (Post 137531)
However if I did want to go there, and it was starting to eat at me not knowing, I don't think I'd drop hints, all that vague signal watching...

Neither could I. I'd want to know what was going on, so I'd ask. But it doesn't have to be a big, heavy, serious conversation. You can be lighthearted and relaxed while still direct and straightforward.

If you were me, next time he flirts and says stuff about you being his unofficial gf, I would kind of breezily, sort of jokingly say something like, "Nah, let's just make it official!" and see what he says. Or I'd just say, "Are you serious when you say that? 'Cause you got me thinking about it and I wouldn't mind, you know!" or something breezy like that. I'm sure that either way, it would invite more serious discussion.

RfromRMC 05-27-2012 10:14 PM

Maybe try to bring up in a casual conversation what the rules of their relationship are. From what I read here, I am guessing there are high odds that they weren't a totally monogamous couple anyways.
(Not to be stereotypical, but living in the gay male community for 17 years now, I've started assuming most couples are not monogamous unless they say otherwise...instead of the other way around. It's usually on the down-low, but most do something.) It doesn't hurt to start a dialogue of how and what goes on.


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