My husband thinks he is poly? How can I tell?
Hi I am new here and came here for your advise, and thoughts. I apologize in advance cause this might be a long post. I have been married to my husband for 11 yrs now, and around 4 or 5 years ago we started to grow apart. The marriage got stale. We do have an age gap. MY husband was having trouble talking to me about his issues, his fantasies, and it sent our relationship into a downward spiral. I should note that he did suffer abuse as a child which he has been told by a counselor is part of what troubles him, but who knows. He started to act differently. We both thought maybe it was because of our age difference, and we both were convinced it was time to split up and end our marriage. MY husband continued to deal with a lot of issues, wants, desires, and got very depressed and suicidal. He started seeing another woman, and it grew into a sexual relationship. This was about 2 years ago and it is still ongoing. He tried many times to end it, and did lie to me about it, manipulate and keep me from knowing everything that was going on. I now know everything, it has been a rough road. We spent hours, days, weeks, months talking about our life and he has come to the conclusion that he is poly amorous. He claims he still loves me and is still in love with me and nothing has change, but he loves this other person as well, and with all his issues he has, he finds this other person helps full-fill some of his many needs for love and attention. I should mention that she is bi sexual, and recently split up with her female partner, and my husband has told me that he was initially attracted to her because she told him she liked woman, and one of his fantasies involves 2 woman, and his intention was to bring me into this to full fill this desire he has. But he got caught up in the emotions of it all, and lost sight of his goal. He has since regained some control back in his life, and wants me to explore this poly lifestyle, which I have agreed to do, and he says he does not want to loose me, but says if I can't join him in the lifestyle, maybe we need to move on. So some Questions I have: How do i get past the hurt, the lies and the resentment I have for this other woman. I do know her by the way, I used to work with her, she was my boss. It feels like we should of been more friendly and open right from the get go for this to work properly, which was not the case. I have agreed to go to some meetings in my area with him, to see what it is all about, But I am struggling with the concept of trying to make this work with her. It does not feel right, okay i will leave it at that....:)
Hello, is it possible to make some paragraph breaks in your post? Its hard to read. Thanks. You only have a certain amount of time to do so, so no biggy if you don't get to it. Maybe the next posts?
It seems to me that it would of been really awkward to have to deal with a boss in a different way than just a boss. That would suck! Personally I have a "no dating" co-workers rule for myself, but if my partner dated my co-worker and especially my boss, I don't know what I would do. Really hard to determine.
It sounds like his cheating, like most cheating, was damaging and hurtful. You have every right to take as long as you need to gain your trust back of him. He needs to earn it but showing you that he intends to be honest at all costs and do what he says he will do (integrity).
It sounds like you are on your way if you are planning on going to some local meets. That should help you see that we are not all freaks and that it does work. It might help to go knowing that you can decide what YOUR idea of poly means to you. There is no set way of doing it and he certainly doesn't have a say in what you do. Its all up to you. He had better be prepared for you venturing out on your own as you see fit. What is good for the goose, should be good for the gander as they say.
You don't mention anywhere in your post a history of being attracted to women. More specifically it sounds like you're not attracted to THIS woman (for a variety of reasons). No one should EVER be sexually involved with another person for the gratification of someone else. How does your husband feel about you exploring poly to find a partner who you are into? Is it only ok with him if you have a shared partner who he finds and brings home to you? What if you were to meet another man you fell for? Would he be on board with you exploring that?
Also why do YOU need to be poly for him to be? If you're not feeling it and don't desire another partner but support him in his relationship where's the problem? It sounds like you and he have a lot more talking to do.
I'll add that I would hope that you forgive him his transgressions some day. But, that's different than saying I hope you come to accept this relationship and be poly (for him). This may not be the right answer for you. Take the time that you need to figure it out. Ask for the things you need to work it out in good faith. If he's not willing to help you work it through, then that's important information for how things will go (badly) as a poly couple.
Sounds difficult. Very sorry that you were introduced to poly this way. I wish you well.
My husband thinks he is poly. How do I know he really is?
To Redpepper. thanks for your reply and yes I will space in future..
Just to let you know this woman was my former boss, but I understand what your saying for sure. It was awkward and sadly, she was my friend, but no longer can we be friends.
Yes his cheating was very damaging and hurtful.
I wish he could of been more honest with me, and I have told him many times how much the truth means to me. The truth hurts, but the lies hurt even more, and the lies mock me, and tell me I am not worthy of the truth.
I am working on trying to regain my trust in him. It is going to take time.
I can't stress to him enough to always be honest no matter how much it is gonna hurt. He says he will try harder to be honest.
I do have my own opinions of what poly is. It seems to differ from my husbands but I am willing to go to meetings and chat with people as I am interested and open minded and I do want to make my marriage work.
and @ MindfulAgony, Yes my husband is fully aware it is a 2 way street as far as me being allowed to find another partner if I so choose to do so, he thinks it will be a good idea and fair enough,
but he does admit he will be jealous and will have to work on getting over that jealousy.
It has not been a good introduction to what my husband tells me is poly.
I look forward to meeting more people who live this lifestyle.
I have many questions. I still do not know if this lifestyle is for me or will even work for us, but I am open minded, and can expand my mind outside of what society says.
My marriage, my husband and the love we share make it worth it to me to try.
I want us to be happy together. even if we can't be happy together I just want to be happy, and I want my husband to be happy.
If it doesn't work out. I can say I tried, and walk away from it all feeling no regrets.
It might be helpful for you to do a "tag search" on boundaries and foundation. It might give you a place to start. Recovering trust from an affair is extremely difficult and can take years! It is important for both you and your husband to realize this. We tend to get impatient to make thing "go back to normal" and something's just can't be rushed. Good Luck!
I will do that SNeacail...thanks for your suggestion
You have already been given some great advice in what has to be an extremely difficult and rather painful situation - losing the trust of the person who promised themselves to you is a big blow on so many levels. Rebuilding that takes a lot of work. Unfortunately entering into poly while rebuilding this makes it even more difficult - I know, because I did it.
One other idea that I would like to run past you, to see if it finds resonance...
You have been monogamous, and your husband feels that he is poly and is suggesting that both of you become poly (in other words, you find other folks to love as well as him). There is another option (I know, because I did it :) ) - it's usually referred to as mono/poly - one partner is poly and has multiple partners, the other chooses to be monogamous and have only one partner, but it perfectly happy for their partner to have others in their life.
I guess I don't want you to feel forced into having multiple relationships if that's really not what you want. Mono/poly is perfectly viable as a relationship style - I know many who do it. It's really all about finding out what you want, and not being afraid to structure your life around your own goals and desires.
Hope this makes sense.
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