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-   -   Time (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2401)

Derbylicious 03-29-2010 01:54 PM

I've been thinking a lot about time with people over the past couple of weeks. It's true that the love for one person does not diminish the love for another but time is another matter all together. There are only so many hours in a day so how do you make it work to make everyone feel special and cared for? I'm also wondering if there is any way to make the time thing work without it seeming overly like scheduling a buisness meeting.


vandalin 03-29-2010 03:21 PM

I think this question will vary from situation to situation depending on things like living arrangements, work and other "unavoidable" time sinks, children, etc. Also throwing into the mix is the partners expectations or desires.

I'd think keeping in contact when you aren't with a specific person is a good idea; text, email, IM, and phone calls are all ways of showing that you do care even if you cannot be together at that time.

Most importantly, make the time you do have together count.

Of course, I have yet to have a functioning poly relationship, but if you are not living with all partners, thinking about time together as if you were in a long distance relationship might help...unless you don't go for LDR's. ;)

Even in mono relationships, couples schedule dates and things to do together.

Sorry for the disjointed thoughts here, brain is still waking up. :)

Another thing is to make sure your needs and desires are known to your partners and that you know theirs. Maybe partner A would love to go see a movie and partner B just wants to hang out and cuddle for a couple hours. Try to "go with the flow".

GroundedSpirit 03-29-2010 03:56 PM

Yea - time (PERIOD) is one of the biggest challenges in peoples lives now.
I think in regards to relationships the best way to handle it is to all sit down and just acknowledge it together as a family.
Acknowledge that it's a potential problem ( because it is) and all shake hands on an agreement that you will ALL do your best - acknowledging the difficulty - to work TOGETHER to make the best use of it you can. At the same time acknowledge that it may happen that someone feels they are getting the short end of the stick and that IF that happens ALL agree to sit down and talk about it and see how much is real, how much is perception, and what we can ALL do to handle either/both of those sides.

It's really quite doable but it takes commitment and openness.


lisbeth 03-29-2010 10:46 PM

I try to minimize the time I spend on boring-but-necessary stuff, in order to maximize the time I have to waste...opps I mean spend :) on fun-and-interesting stuff.

Ruby 03-29-2010 11:24 PM

Having children forced the three of us to give up on much spontaneity, but that might change as they get older. I'm not expecting it, though! :)

We schedule dates with each other and our lovers. However, within those periods of time we all seem to work on having a certain amount of spontaneous fun. Of course, we all like going out to dinner and a movie ("boy flicks," sci-fi, and thrillers with him; foreign, sci-fi, and art films with her). I do what I can to really focus on my partners during dates, whether that means not talking about the kids, or politics, or family concerns.

rubyfish 03-30-2010 01:15 AM

I do schedules my dates with my boyfriend like I'm scheduling a business meeting, but somehow, I'm okay with it. And on the upside, scheduling it our time together a week in advance or more gives me something to look forward to when my week is less then splendid. I choose to look at the time I can spend with him as a gift, rather than feel bad for the time that we aren't together.

In terms of keeping everything straight, I've pretty much ditched the date book for a google calendar. My roommate, my husband and I all have color coded calendars that we share so any one of us can see what's going on with everyone.

LovingRadiance 03-30-2010 01:17 AM

After 11 years of marriage I LIKE scheduling date nights with my husband and/or boyfriend! It feels... YOUNG again. ;)

The anticipation of the date coming, thinking about what to do, what to wear, all of the little special details drags out the enjoyment from the date itself to days earlier and the memory of the fun drags it out to days after too!

I live with them both, but finding time ALONE is a pain, the kids are a big difficulty there. Mostly we just enjoy the time we get, whether it's alone, with the kids, with all of us, with other people too, whatever, it's time.

confidence 03-30-2010 01:28 AM


Originally Posted by vandalin (Post 25082)
Most importantly, make the time you do have together count.

I'm not that experienced of a poly person but this was a big deal with my last second boyfriend and something that we did not handle well. Especially because I am one of those "constantly connected" people who always has her cell phone on and is constantly connected. With my first boyfriend, I would often write this off because him and I already spent a great deal of time together but with the second boyfriend, I think it hurt him a lot to feel like there was something drawing my attention away from him (whether it was work, my mom texting me, me flirting with friends).

With that said, he wasn't great at making plans and so we would spend lots of time just "hanging out". Don't get me wrong, that was okay but I think we should have scheduled dates more often and made plans to really optimize the time we did have.

Like I said, I'm not that experienced but that's my two cents.



geminigirl 03-30-2010 02:51 AM

With multiple partners, scheduling sometimes IS like a business meeting. Therefore, you should remember to dress appropriately for dates in a short skirt and pinstripe jacket, glasses, stockings with garters and classy high heeled shoes. That'll show 'em. ;)

Derbylicious 03-30-2010 02:53 AM

So now I have to do a shopping trip too?!?!?! When am I going to find time for that? LOL

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