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-   -   Newbie taking some first steps. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23980)

soma 05-24-2012 11:53 PM

Newbie taking some first steps.
 
Hello everyone. I'm currently in a monogamous marriage that has hit a very rough patch in the past two years. In the past week I've gone from ready to hit the road to believing that it can all work out somehow. I've discovered that I do not want to leave my marriage and that I love my husband (G). However, I recently met a young man who I've become very close with. I don't want to leave my husband for him yet yearn for more intimacy with this other and feel that it will only add to my marriage. I was sneaking around behind G's back, not doing anything physical other than holding hands and hugging, and he found out. G survived this knowledge and last night we had a very intense conversation about where we were going. I said to him that J did not pose a threat to our marriage, that I wasn't leaving, but that I needed to continue to see him. G sat with that, sat with the feelings of jealousy and feelings of abandonment and found some peace with it. I believe that he and I can take steps into polyamory and have it expand our marriage in ways we never imagined possible. While he may not be interested in finding others I think he can understand why I need this in my life.

We also have two young children, so that adds another layer of complication. Any advice from those of you in similar situations is greatly appreciated.

Take care!

Pretzels 05-25-2012 12:30 AM

I don't think I can stress enough that you should first mend your relationship with your husband before building a relationship with someone else. It sounds like you've come to some pretty important revelations regarding your primary relationship but you need to act on those first, methinks.

kdt26417 05-25-2012 07:59 PM

Hi soma,
Welcome to our forum.

People don't always find out about (or come into) polyamory neatly and cleanly, so you aren't alone in having hit some unplanned speed bumps. I'm glad to hear that your marriage seems to have survived the speed bumps, and come out in one piece.

Be sure to always give your marriage a high priority, as NRE (New Relationship Energy) with J can sometimes skew your perspective on things; it's just something that happens to people. So, be aware of it, and remember that G will probably need quite a bit of extra reassurance in order to get used to this "strange new relationship model" without feeling threatened by it. Kudos to him for being willing to consider polyamory, in spite of his initial misgivings.

Just take it slow, would be my advice. Baby steps. And a lot of communication along the way.

With the two kids involved, there's a lot at stake, so study and learn as much as you can about what polyamory is and how it works.

Glad to have you here amongst us.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

soma 05-25-2012 11:25 PM

Thank you so much for your replies. Yes, the problems in this marriage need to be dealt with first before introducing another relationship into it. G needs much reassurance that our relationship is intact and that I'm not leaving him for someone else. Baby steps indeed.


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