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-   -   A simple question...Or is it? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2395)

TL4everu2 03-28-2010 01:54 PM

A simple question...Or is it?
I have a question....How many of you who are in a poly relation ship, have had a poly relationship last longer than a year? 2 years? 4 years? 8 years? 10 years?

It seems to me (on this forum anyway) that all I'm reading about is people who are hurt by their initial girlfriend/wife or initial boyfriend/husband. :( Now please don't get me wrong, my wife and I have enjoyed about 3 poly relationships in the last 8 years. We have been married to each other for the last 19 and a half.

So, for those few who have been in a poly relationship for longer than 5 years, tell us, how do you make it last?

Breathesgirl 03-28-2010 10:51 PM

My primary & I will be at the five year mark in May :).

How do we deal with issues? We talk, talk and talk some more!

If it's me that's having the issue I do research on it so I can get a better handle on things before I talk to them about it.

I've spent hours at xeromag, here, my poly groups, journaling on Live Journal, talking to friends who are poly what ever I can think of in order to better understand the issue I have, why I have it and how to better deal with it.

This is my first poly relationship & I have had issues. They were my issues, I owned them & we dealt with them together. I will still occasionally have an issue with jealousy or something. I head back to xeromag, reread the article on fixing the refrigerator, do some more research and talk some more. It all works out.

If you'll look a little closer you'll see that it's not ALL about problems with poly relationships. I know Mono and redpepper have a thread going where they detail the good things that are happening in their relationship together, and with her husband and family. I've got a thread going as well where I post the good things that are happening in my life. These are threads which are not used daily so they don't show up on the quick links very often so you don't see them unless you actually search for them.

We talk about anything and everything. I let him know I'm having a problem & that I will talk to him about it when I feel I'm ready to do so. He accepts this and goes about his business, asking gentle questions along the way, until I'm ready to talk about it.

wstrnfu 03-28-2010 11:00 PM

look at the poll numbers so far! I know its very early but I never imagined 10 years or more was possible!...Gives me hope:p

TL4everu2 03-29-2010 12:51 AM

I think that people may have misunderstood my question...I don't mean your relationship with your primary....noooo....Your relationships with your secondary lovers. My wife and I have been married for 19 years now...but our relationships with our lovers only last an average of about 2 years.

wstrnfu 03-29-2010 01:06 AM

oh, sorry. My husband and I have been married for 38 years and I love him like my next heartbeat. However, I have fallen in love with another man too....he's exciting, funny and makes me feel so special. but im dealing with with the jealousy issue now and have come here to see what I can do to resolve that....

LovingRadiance 03-29-2010 01:42 AM

I didn't answer your poll, cause I don't even know where to begin! :)

My husband and I have known each other for... 22 years, started, became sexually involved immediately, then lost contact for 10 years, OFFICIALLY started dating and became sexually involved again 12 years ago, married 11 years ago.

My "secondary" (GG) and I have known each other 17 years, became sexually involved with each other 15-16 years ago, became officially bf/gf 6 months ago.........

SO our "poly relationship" has lasted less than one year...
but my relationship with my secondary, well that doesn't fit the same criteria does it?


CielDuMatin 03-29-2010 12:36 PM

My longer-term partner (in duration, not mindset) and I have been friends for over 25 years, together as a couple for 20, poly for around 18. She is monogamous, I am poly.

My longest period with one poly configuration is just under 4 years, my current configuration is just over a year and a half.

How we make it work? Communication, honesty, and commitment - to each other and the relationship. It's as simple and as complicated as that.

GroundedSpirit 03-29-2010 03:19 PM

Although it seems we've (M+F couple) been "poly" almost forever, when you frame the question in relation to additional loves it get's a bit complex.
Although we aren't currently in a close (physically) relationship we have several past relationships that separated us by distance and circumstances.
We are still in frequent contact and were circumstances different would likely be back in that close intimate relationship we once were.
But life and it's demands are what they are sometimes and we don't grieve the past but prefer to celebrate all of what made those times & connections special. And what we all learned.
We are past hardly understanding any other way to live !


MonoVCPHG 03-29-2010 05:54 PM

Thanks for clarifying the question :) I was a little surprised by the poll results seeing 10 years or more being the most common! I then realized that was probably based on primary relationships. I am curious how long multi-partner relationships tend to last as well. How long did your "v" "triad" or "Quad" last so to speak.

I'm at 16 months and April marks my one year anniversary on the forum I believe!

Ruby 03-29-2010 06:08 PM

My two spouses and I have been together for ten years now. We have two young daughters and a mortgage. :D

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