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-   -   Swinging to poly changed my mind (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23949)

Morgainefairydust 05-24-2012 09:19 AM

Swinging to poly changed my mind
 
Okay, I am new here and I guess I need some advice or something. My husband of 6 years and I have always been open sexually. We have met other couples for swinging, even had some short term friendships with people. It was fun sometimes and I had no problem with it. About 18 months ago, my husband decided that he really didn't want to do it anymore, and I was fine with that too, as I was tired of the superficial relationships we were having. Well then about 6 months ago, he decided that he wanted to do it again, but I didn't. With us, it had reached a point that we might would have sex every six weeks, but I felt there was so much more to our relationship than just sex.
When he brought up swinging and I told him I wasn't interested in it anymore, he was upset about it. I told him go have fun with whoever he wanted.
Now comes the problem: about 3 months ago, he met a very sweet woman who is 20 years younger than him. I liked her a lot and at first didn't mind him playing with her. I thought it would fizzle out. But it hasn't. In fact it has gotten to the point where he talks about her all the time, talks or texts her, compares her to me telling me she does this better than me, or something like that. About 4 weeks ago he told me that I needed to set up a room because he wanted her to move in.
It upset me very much. I told him how much, and he got angry. He throws at me how it is ok for me to have boyfriends but not for him to have this other woman. He set me up with two different men, neither of whom I wanted and both of them talked about how much they wanted hubby's girlfriend.
My husband says that I had talked about a poly vs swinging relationships when we first got together and I have no right to change the rules. Then he told me I can accept his girlfriend or I can leave.
So I am thinking of leaving, because I can't handle his relationship with her.but it is breaking my heart to leave.

BrigidsDaughter 05-24-2012 12:48 PM

So he jumped from swinging with this woman to demanding you allow her to move in w/o any warning that his feelings towards here were evolving? That sounds very unfair to me. I would not put up with it.

If I were you, I'd tell him that he can move out. You aren't changing the rules, but he is moving WAAAY to fast and has no right to demand that you do anything. Also, he set you up with boyfriends? Are you not allowed to find them on your own? Do you even want to?

Morgainefairydust 05-24-2012 01:39 PM

Yes, he set me up, because I don't really want anyone else, not anymore. We shared fantasies sometimes, but that didn't mean I wanted to do it.
As for him moving out, it is his house, not mine. I always thought of it as our home though.
When I try to talk to him, he just gets angry, telling me I am changing the rules. But I think he is changing the rules to suit himself.

MeeraReed 05-24-2012 04:11 PM

I think you need to leave him. It doesn't sound like he respects or cares about you.

I'm sorry.

blytheandbonny 05-27-2012 01:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Morgainefairydust (Post 136975)
Yes, he set me up, because I don't really want anyone else, not anymore. We shared fantasies sometimes, but that didn't mean I wanted to do it.
As for him moving out, it is his house, not mine. I always thought of it as our home though.
When I try to talk to him, he just gets angry, telling me I am changing the rules. But I think he is changing the rules to suit himself.

Sooo...is the situation that you accept that your husband brings this other woman into the home that you share - and in fact you are responsible for "setting up her room" - or you will be without a place to live unless a relative or friend takes you in? Because even though you're married, it's his house? That sure sounds like a threat.

How generous of him to extend his largess to you in offering shelter as his wife as long as you obey his shifting ground rules. [/sarcasm]

Hm, that doesn't sound like a loving poly relationship in general to me. How does he treat you outside of this issue?

Also, this:
Quote:

We have met other couples for swinging, even had some short term friendships with people.

[...]

My husband says that I had talked about a poly vs swinging relationships when we first got together and I have no right to change the rules.
I don't understand - it sounds like you agreed to and engaged in a swinging lifestyle, but clearly did not have not a poly one. Is it that there was a verbal agreement 6 or so years ago that swinging *and* poly would be fine, but poly just never occurred until now for whatever reason?

MindfulAgony 05-27-2012 02:42 AM

Might be a good idea to suggest he join the forum and join the discussion.

If you were open from the beginning and he says that the rules have changed, it sounds like you have had different views about what "open" really meant. I realize that your relationships were swinging, but it's not clear that you had a "just recreational sex" rule in your relationship.

His anger and lack of consideration of your feelings is very worrisome. It does not bode well for your future together. He does not seem to be dealing well with the conflicting needs of you two. That stress is coming out in bad ways.

Unless of course, this is a long-standing pattern of behavior in terms of his ability to deal with difficult situations and his level of consideration for your feelings. If that's the case, either get in couples counseling to try to break the dynamic or plot your own path going forward.

LotusesandRoses 05-27-2012 03:00 AM

I'm wondering if your husband has undergone some personality changes? It's highly abnormal to say, "You do ____ better than Martha." It sounds like he's acting very impulsively, that he has a lot of anger, and is not "himself." Has he always acted impulsively and had anger issues?

How long have you been married? I'd seriously consider leaving - It sounds like he doesn't care much for your feelings. Trust me, Little Miss Hotstuff will get the same shaft and head out of town if she has a brain in her head, and if he's this rushed and impulsive, in five years, he won't even remember her face.


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