Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Introductions (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=9)
-   -   swingers or polys? what do we call it? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23924)

PJparty 05-23-2012 11:36 PM

swingers or polys? what do we call it?
 
Hello Everyone,
We have been married for 17 years. About 2 years ago we introduced other people into our bedroom. Initially, we only intended to "swing" but one guy we met we have continued to see for over 2 years now. We have not been exclusive with him and he is aware of this. He is in a sexless marriage and she doesn't know that he is "playing" with us but we are all friends now because he wanted us to be.

For the most part we have avoided defining our "relationship". We don't know what to call it and haven't found a term we like. It has taken us a while to even call it a relationship. We are hoping to connect on here with others who may be able to relate to what we are going through.

One question that had arisen recently is about jealousy. We have always been in the same room for all sexual contact (threesomes). Our friend has brought up the issue of one on one with her and that is where the jealousy issue is now coming up. He can see that logically it should be no different as the two of them have had sex many times but emotionally it is troubling.

She doesn't necessarily want or need one on one with our friend but she wants to fulfill the needs of both men and respect everyone's feelings. She doesn't want anyone to get hurt.

Anyways, it is complicated and would appreciate any suggestions, feedback, etc... We look forward to getting to know all of you.

P&J (+A)

Moonglow 05-24-2012 12:50 AM

Do you all do other things besides sex? I mean do you all just watch tv or have meals together? Also how do you feel about it? It seems like everyone is avoiding a larger question in your situation. I can't talk about swinging because I am always seeking a connection rather than a sexual spark. I would think after 2 years some sort of friendship has formed.

nycindie 05-24-2012 12:58 AM

I am not quite understanding who is the one feeling jealousy in your story. Can you explain a little more?

Also, do you mean that your guy friend has been cheating on his wife with you and your wife for two years?

PJparty 05-24-2012 02:04 AM

We have all become really good friends. We've helped him move and he has helped us work on our car. We have gone to movies together. We also sometimes have one on one lunches to just talk. We didn't necessarily seek to have a freindship, but we all really get along together really well.

We're not sure what larger question you mean.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moonglow (Post 136870)
Do you all do other things besides sex? I mean do you all just watch tv or have meals together? Also how do you feel about it? It seems like everyone is avoiding a larger question in your situation. I can't talk about swinging because I am always seeking a connection rather than a sexual spark. I would think after 2 years some sort of friendship has formed.


PJparty 05-24-2012 02:11 AM

We both typed the original post so it may have been confusing.

I (the husband - aka P) is the one that would feel jealous of a one on one rendezvous between my wife (aka J) and our friend (aka A). This really isn't a pressing issue, but when we J and I discuss it hypothetically, I get that jealous feeling.

And yes, he is cheating on his wife. We weren't aware of his situation when we first got together. He feels stuck in his marriage. He basically doesn't have any affection or sex in his marriage (maybe once or twice per year). They have tried counseling and books, but nothing works. He will not leave his wife because his dad left his family. It is a very sad situation for everyone involved, including us. Neither of us has ever cheated and as a rule don't approve of the practice. We weighed all the information in this case and decided not to end our relationship with him over this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 136872)
I am not quite understanding who is the one feeling jealousy in your story. Can you explain a little more?

Also, do you mean that your guy friend has been cheating on his wife with you and your wife for two years?


nycindie 05-24-2012 02:32 AM

Ah, okay. I think my confusion is one example of why it is suggested in the Forum Guidelines to have a separate login for each person who is part of a couple. Either that, or when each person in a shared username "speaks" in a post, make sure you identify who is the one speaking. Two people in one shared account gets confusing real fast - and besides, each of you may want to address certain things separately at some point.

Okay, so the title of your thread is "swingers or polys? what do we call it?" and then later in your post, you addressed not knowing what to call your relationship and the bit about jealousy. Then you (one of you or both of you) asked for "suggestions, feedback, etc." What is it that you want suggestions or feedback on, exactly? I'm still not clear.

Regarding what to call your relationship, I would say you are swingers who deepened into a friends with benefits type of thing. It is definitely NOT polyamory because your guy friend's wife did not give her consent to his having any relationships outside of their marriage, and cheating is not poly. But labels aren't always that important.

As for the jealousy, there are numerous threads here addressing that. You can do an advanced search or search the tags and will find a gazillion of them. We have a master thread that discusses various aspects of jealousy here: Jealousy, Envy, Insecurity, etc. General Discussion. Do you have specific questions about it?

Moonglow 05-24-2012 03:00 AM

Well I guess for me the bigger question seems like you answered. If you are all comfortable where you are, then why define it further? If you aren't comfortable with them having one on one time, and your wife isn't interested either, then why put yourselves through that, just say, I am not comfortable with that. If he is cool with that, then you can continue as you are. If you want to move it to another level then you can, but it has to move with all in agreement.

PJparty 05-24-2012 03:13 AM

I think that is the same conclusion we are coming to. We are all feeling pretty good where things are at now. He has always been real cautious to make sure we are all happy.

One thing that helped us reach this status is that we took a 4 month break from the sexual part of the relationship we had. We were able to remain friends during that time and could truly see that our relationship was more than just sex. Now that the break is over, we are all more comfortable with our bond.

In fact after the break, he is the one that got us starting to think about this and what to call it. One day in a message he sent us, he said, "What do you call a relationship with a couple?" When we initially started almost two years ago, we tried to define it, but we weren't able to. We decided then that it may seem odd to others, but it just seemed so natural to us and we would just enjoy it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moonglow (Post 136893)
Well I guess for me the bigger question seems like you answered. If you are all comfortable where you are, then why define it further? If you aren't comfortable with them having one on one time, and your wife isn't interested either, then why put yourselves through that, just say, I am not comfortable with that. If he is cool with that, then you can continue as you are. If you want to move it to another level then you can, but it has to move with all in agreement.


NovemberRain 05-24-2012 03:34 AM

You can call it a 'tangle' :)

kdt26417 05-24-2012 06:52 AM

Hello P, J, A;
Welcome to our forum.

I've heard "thruple" used to refer to "a couple plus one;" perhaps that's what you're looking for. Otherwise "friends with benefits" seems appropriate enough. The greater the emmotional connection/entanglement/commitment, the more "polyamory" becomes a fit word for it.

Kind of stating the elephant in the room, but it seems to me that at some point, A should probably admit to his wife that he's playing with you two (P&J).

If A wants some one-on-one encounters with J, but that is causing P some jealousy issues, it's something to talk about (all three of you), to find out how important this is to A, and what can be done to make it a little easier on P. Perhaps there are some small steps that can lead up to this A+J encounter? some way of taking it slow.

That's all I have for right now; let me know if you have further questions.

Glad to have you onboard.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.


All times are GMT. The time now is 08:22 AM.