Well, I have to call it something and I like bling and I tend to ramble on...
Where to start? There's a summary over in the summary section, but I guess I could revisit that here, huh?
Bear (not his real name, but a good descriptor) and I have been married for seven years and are totally new to poly. Wet behind the ears and all of that. When we started looking for a gf neither of us had ever heard the term "unicorn" or "unicorn hunter". All we knew when this started was that we desire a third, a female. Why? Well, because I am bi.
I'm not even sure that poly is the right term for us because I have no desire to form any kind of romantic attachment with any man other than him and I don't want to have a harem of women either. As for him, well, his whole desire for a triad is that when I've been with a woman I am more responsive to him and he enjoys watching me with another woman.
This we know because back in the fall I had an encounter with my best friend (that I'm in love with, but that's another, sad, story). Subsequent to that I was really hot in the sack, he most certainly benefited from that encounter. I wanted to have a continuing relationship with her but because of an erroneous assumption she made, it went to further than the one time.
I'll get back to her.
I felt slightly guilty about having an encounter with her without him being present so when the opportunity for an encounter with another friend arose, I took it. The three of us had a great time... but there's nothing but a friend relationship there. A few weeks ago there was another encounter with a friend who is poly, MtF pre-op intersexed/trans. Again, that was kind of ok fun, but there's no relationship other than friendship there. And I'm just not the swinging type of girl though that's what we've done.
Back to the best friend. I love her. I've been in love with her for years. She's married to an absolute asshole that she has finally decided to divorce. We both held a desire to have her as a kind of sister-wife, but, she has lots of issues to work out, is talking about moving away, is dealing with some pretty serious mental-health problems, and while she knows that we both love her... she's just not on board with having this relationship now. I'm not sure she ever wants it. So we remain just friends and I move on.
Ok. A little heart break. Not as bad as in the fall, but still some heart break.
We decide to put up some personal ads and see where that takes us. I put up ads on numerous sites, found okcupid while out searching, put up an ad there, and have met a really lovely young woman.
I'll get to her in a minute...
I've never been into one-night stands, the idea of swinging grosses me out, I want a relationship. I want a MFF relationship where we all love each other, respect each other, share our lives together, etc. I had no idea I was seeking the Holy Grail. The Sword in the Stone. A Unicorn. None.At.All.
Clueless, eh? Yes. But ohhhhhhhh SO pretty! (reference here: credit card commercial with Ukrainian guy named Peggy. He looks at all the blinky lights on the phones and says, "Sooo pretty.")
So, we meet Lovely online. We chat with her nearly daily. Lovely has also never been in any kind of poly relationship. She wants to date us because what she's tried in the past hasn't worked, maybe, she says, this will.
We talk on the phone for three hours the other night, that was the first time on the phone. She feels put on the spot on the phone, prefers onlne or face to face chatting. But, she got on the phone with us.
She's intelligent, articulate, funny... quite a joy to talk with. She really enjoyed talking to us (she said) and we have a date this coming Saturday.
I'm practically giddy to meet her! Must be that NRE (another new term for me).
She has a child, we have three. We are all Christians. She /thinks/ she needs to get on fetlife but her fetishes are really quite vanilla. I'm pretty vanilla myself. No whips, chains, restraints, blindfolds, pork-n-beans, balloons, spanking, or ball gags for me, thanks anyway. It just doesn't excite me. Ok, wait... that's not true.... I think it's funny. It's like porn. I find porn hysterical. I like erotic pictures, but videos of people having sex just crack me up. (He's gonna put that WHERE? OMG it's HUGE!!! Get a cleaver!!!! What's with her face? People don't really look like that during sex!)
We, all three of us, have a dinner date Saturday. I'm really looking forward to meeting her in the flesh, and I"m hoping that we all like each other well enough to embark on a dating relationship and see where it goes.
We are all in agreement that we don't want to jump into anything hastily. Never bed nor a relationship. We will chat, date, get to know each other. She lives nearly two hours : ( So it's not going to be easy to spend as much time with her as we'd like.
Now, there is ONE thing that I really have to wrap my mind around. That is, if this relationship develops into a romantic and sexual relationship then Bear states that there's a very high likely hood that he will have sex with her when I'm not around.
Enter the green-headed monster.
On a very intellectual level I recognize that it would be utterly ridiculous for me to expect that my lovers won't make love without me there. Dur. My heart says that I want him to love our third (even if that turns out to not be Lovely), for her to love him, for me to love her, her to love me, and all that entails... so WHY did I feel that frisson of fear when he said that? What a silly response.
What I replied to him though was, "Well, of course." But I know I have to tell him about that gut reaction. And feel dumb while doing it! Because it IS dumb.
Something we have talked about is that he doesn't want a gf that isn't also into me. He doesn't want to go out and date. He wants this because of how it makes me, of how happy I am when I've been with a woman.
And, that's not really poly, is it? But it's also not polygamy even if we do end up with a sister-wife because the polygamy community maintains that the wives should not have romantic or sexual relationships with anyone but the husband.
Ahhhh, how convoluted can we get?
One other thing and then I'll shut up...
Currently no one in our regular social circle knows that we are embarking upon this adventure. Hell, there are LOTS of people I know (including most of my family and all of his) that don't even know I'm bi. All of our friends know, a couple people at my church know, my sister knows... but not my parents, not his mom... and if this relationship we're developing, or some other later relationship should evolve into a "let's all live together" relationship, well, I'm sure they'll all eventually figure it out.
I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes.
But for right now, I'm going to be a little giddy over the prospect of new love, I'm going to enjoy dating, watching to see what will happen, and just being me as much as I can.
Love your blog title - I love all things sparkly!
It is very, very common to have a gut reaction of 'I can sleep with her by myself; we can sleep with her; but you are sure as shooting not sleeping with her by yourself.'
Now if he is ok with that (after you admit it sheepishly) and she is ok with that, well, people had made weirder arrangements work. It is truly up to the folks in the (at this point potential) relationship.
And it is good that you recognize you have this reaction. Not everyone is that self-aware. So take a look at it. See what is 'really' fueling the reaction. Are you afraid of comparisions? Fear of losing your special place in his life and affections? Fear of being replaced? (I'm not saying any of these is the reason for your reaction but they are some of the more common underlying emotions.) Reactions like these are sometimes easier to cope with if you understand their root cause. (And sometimes knowing the root cause doesn't help end the reaction but that's another post.)
*Adds 'pork-n-beans' to my fetish list*
Thanks and LOL
Years ago there was a website: deviantdesires.com. The front page of the site had various pictures of fetish play. There was this one.... hawt chick in thigh-highs, thong, and spike heels, with pork-n-beans running over her (really nice) rear end. Maybe me LMAO! I mean, I like pork-n-beans, but as a side to a sammich, not with my sex! LOL
At lunch I told him about the jealousy issue. First I said, "There is nothing you can do to fix this, I just need you to listen because I want to be absolutely honest with you."
He knows me SO well. He said, "I knew you'd react that way."
It's really odd that I would react that way since I've watched him make love to another woman and had nothing but positive reactions to it. I don't know WHY I'd be bothered if he were with someone alone. I'm thinking on it, working through it and all of that.
Ahhhh NRE <3
Bear and I had a fabulous two hour conversation with Lovely last night. I wish she didn't live two hours away!
It's so much fun getting to know someone, especially when it's for the purpose of determining whether a dating relationship will work out or not.
Bear started asking her sexual questions, which kind of annoyed me. Yes, if we do start a relationship we will have sex, but I am really not quite comfortable with going there yet. Is that a guy thing? To really start focusing on what kind of sex we can have?
Silly question... I know my Bear. He /really/ enjoys sex. Not that I don't, but his mind is geared to start thinking about it earlier than mine.
When it's just she and I talking we focus on other things... our kids, experiences we've had that are similar, things we like to do, or don't like to do. Hair, makeup, nails, clothes. Girl stuff. I'm sure we'd eventually get around to talking about sex, but not as quickly as Bear. He's ready to "git 'er done"! So to speak.
'Scuse me - sorry to interrupt but can someone explain (or PM me) about the whole "pork-n-beans" reference? (Unless I don't want to know...in which case, don't tell me)
My comment referrred to the 'fetish list' on Fetlife. Fetlife is a social media site, kinda similar to Facebook, where kinksters, fetishists, and BDSM enthusiasts of all sorts can interact, post pictures and videos, write about stuff, post on forums, find friends - all that social media-y stuff.
The fetish list on Fet tells other people what you are into - bondage, spanking, whatever. And people make up funny fetishes too. (I have Doctor Who as a fetish for instance.)
Pink's comment about pork-n-beans as a fetish cracked me up and so I responded.
Although, you know about the porn rule right? 'If it exists, there is porn about it.' So although I was joking, there are probably serious pork-n-beans fetishists out there.
*Returns PinkDragon's blog to her*
A great visit
Our plans for a date Saturday night fell apart. That happens when you have kids! However, we did manage to meet!
We had a little gathering/bbq at our casa yesterday, Lovely came to visit. We spent hours talking.
She's really quite fun to be around. Gets most of the corny jokes that we throw around, found out that Bear and I act in front of our friends the way that we act on the phone; i.e, we pick at each other in a loving way.
I wasn't as attracted to her right off like Bear was, but that's ok. Like so many have pointed out to me, I can't expect that Bear and I will fall in love with a person the same way, at the same rate, nor that she will fall for both of us in the same way. Or even that there will be any falling.
There is, however, quite a bit of liking going on. Bear and Lovely had a much more *bam* connection than she and I did, but there is a connection there.
I'm looking forward to seeing her again in a couple of weeks, I think there is going to be a fair amount of driving back and forth for all of us.
Ahhhh, and thus starts a new dating experience :o
Well now, that's an interesting reaction
I missed a conversation between Bear and Lovely this weekend. It seems that her daughter's best friend's dad, who is her friend, has been crushing on her for about a year. She just found out about it.
My first thought? She should date him! And us, too, of course LOL But I think she should explore the possibilities of a relationship with him. I'd be really happy for her.
Some unicorn hunter I am, huh?
So with that in mind, I had a chat with Bear about, uhhhhh.... crap, I have to go look up the term... Ok, I can't find that handy-dandy post with terms and definitions. Bummer. Anyway, I think it's a safe-sex circle. Y'all know what I mean though, right?
We are disease free. I would like to STAY that way. So, I'm going to be (I kid you not, this is what Bear said) the "pussy nazi". I get to vet everyone and their everyone and make sure that everybody has a clean bill of health from their doctor.
So, later I'm going to talk to Lovely about the guy and tell her to go for it, IF she wants : )
Getting a complex here
I'm starting to get a complex...someone, most likely lots of someones look and perhaps read this little blog of mine, but no one comments... LOL
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