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-   -   Teacher & Protector (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23857)

PossiblyPoly 05-22-2012 02:28 AM

Teacher & Protector
Basic situation:
My husband (G) and I have been married 10yrs. Recently, he's come to me with a proposition. A female friend of his (C), is going through a particularly rough patch in her life. Mostly involving her current relationship with her boyfriend who is a good friend of G's.
Her relationship is looking like it's on the downswing. G has been trying to counsel them, as they are going through a very similar situation as he and I had 5yrs ago.
Last month, he visited them for about a week and spent time with both C and her boyfriend in an attempt to get them to see the other's side of the situation. C is at her wits end and her boyfriend doesn't seem to be capable or willing to fix the issue.
Upon his return, G confides his concerns to me. He's really gotten to know C better and is heartbroken for her. She deserves someone that will make her feel important and loved. He wants to show her how its supposed to be. He feels protective of her and wants to make her happy.
His question to me was, How would I feel about bringing her into our home?
He admitted to finding her attractive and that sex would be part of the situation.
I found myself open to the idea. His obvious concern for her happiness went a long way to aleviating any feelings of jealousy over his wanting someone else. If he had asked for simply a girlfriend, my answer would have been an immediate 'no'.
I considered our marriage monogamous and had intended to keep it that way.
However, this situation has caused me to re-evaluate that.
This protector attitude of my husband's is something we have in common. If we could open our home and family to C and bring her into our happiness, I would like to try.
My reservations are that while I'm less bothered by him having sex with another woman, I'm still ...... wary.
The other issue is that I am currently 7mos pregnant with our second child. As C has yet to decide if she wants to continue to try with her current boyfriend or not, I'm sure I'll have delivered this baby and she'll be at least a few months old before this proposition could become a reality. My feeling however, is that the idea of C having my husband's child brings up some very territorial feelings.
I don't know if its a sign that I'm not as okay with this as I think or if its just a limit to my ability to share. (Maybe that's the same thing?)
As if, I'm okay to share my home, my affection, my husband, but not my children?
At this time, she says she does not want any kids. However, she's young (23) and I certainly would not blame her for changing her mind later. Also, my husband is considering a vasectomy as he does not want any more children. So perhaps, this may be a moot issue.
We've also spoken about the possibility that C may, after being with us for a while, find someone else she wants to be with. We aren't looking to continue to add and so would release C from us. Perhaps that would be the avenue she would use to have children of her own. Though a part of me feels like thats not entirely fair to her.
Has anyone else been in remotely this possition? Or at least had these feelings?

nycindie 05-22-2012 04:49 AM

Oh. My. God. Are you for real?

This idea your husband has of "protecting" her by bringing her home to fuck her and show her what a good relationship is like, is so offensive, so utterly outlandish, and so NOT polyamory, I can't even begin to explain why. I have a hard time believing that your only issue with this is the possibility that she might get pregnant. It boggles my mind that there are people in the world that actually, seriously think like this.

If she is in danger, there are agencies and halfway houses where she can find shelter. If she needs to learn about relationships, she can do it by living her own life and being in relationships. Certainly, your husband does not need to protect her by brandishing his cock like a sword. Geez, I just... can't believe... I'm nauseous now.

km34 05-22-2012 05:53 AM

This seems very, very, very predatory to me.

"Showing her how it's done" shouldn't entail trying to manipulate her into living with you and your husband or having sex while recovering from a bad relationship. Showing her how it's done SHOULD be helping her find a neutral, safe, supportive environment where she can grow as a person and figure out what SHE wants, not what YOU think she "needs." Not a place where she is going to have some guy think he's going to make everything better by fucking her.

I'll be 23 in a few weeks. If someone suggested to me that I should move in with him and his pregnant wife (or wife who has just given birth) so he/they could show me what a healthy, normal relationship is like, but of course I would have to have sex with him to really learn, I'd run the opposite direction.

PossiblyPoly 05-22-2012 10:29 PM

Wow. Ok. So not the response I was expecting.

Obviously, I'm not explaining this very well. The title of the thread may have been a poor choice as well. (Also, I'm thinking I put this thread in the wrong category.)

He isn't simply going to bring "her home to fuck her and show her what a good relationship is like".

He confirmed it this morning, that he's in love with her.

He wants to show her a good relationship, not simply for the example, but to actually give her a good relationship. He would like her to be a part of our family.

She isn't in any danger with the relationship she's in now. Her current boyfriend isn't abusive, just neglectful.

As for the protector thing, does one not desire to protect someone they love? Is that a bad thing? I'm protective of my husband, my children, my mother and my best friend, among others. I wouldn't use that to limit anything they'd do, but I certainly would have issue with anyone that hurt them. I would do what I could to make them happy again or prevent the hurt in the first place.

The decision is entirely up to her. We've given her the option. Let her know we're serious about it and that should she decide not to, we're still here to be friends.
G talked to her this morning, encouraging her once more to talk to her boyfriend to see if things couldn't be resolved. G thinks that if her boyfriend would pull his head out of his *** and actually work things out with C, they could be a good couple.
However, the boyfriend seems completely disinterested in working on anything.

My husband is most interested in C's happiness. If she could be happy with her boyfriend, then that'd be the end of it. We'd remain friends.
If things don't work out with her boyfriend, G loves her and so would like to show her what that entails.

Is that creepy? Is that predatory?
Its not like he's out shopping for a young, vulnerable girl to lure home for sex.

Maybe I'm just not getting what this polyamory business is about.
Lord knows, this is the first time I looked into it beyond watching a special on TLC or the BBC.

nycindie 05-22-2012 10:32 PM


Originally Posted by PossiblyPoly (Post 136659)
He would like her to be a part of our family...

If things don't work out with her boyfriend, G loves her and so would like to show her what that entails.

Is that creepy? Is that predatory?

Yes, it still comes across as creepy and predatory. I think you and he should leave her alone.

PossiblyPoly 05-22-2012 10:39 PM

Well, its disturbing that it comes across that way. It's certainly not the intention.

At this point, we have backed off. No more will be said unless she brings it up.

I'm still a bit lost as to why the desire to take care of someone you love is creepy, but we may just be looking at it from completely different angles.

km34 05-22-2012 10:50 PM


Originally Posted by PossiblyPoly (Post 136662)
I'm still a bit lost as to why the desire to take care of someone you love is creepy, but we may just be looking at it from completely different angles.

Wanting to help her find happiness is not the creepy part, wanting her to immediately move in with an established family when she has never been in a romantic relationship with either of you is (IMO).

nycindie 05-22-2012 10:51 PM

She's a grown woman; grown women do not need to be taken care of. That is the first part of why it is creepy.

Why do you and your husband think he knows what is better for her? Doesn't she have family or other friends? If she is in a difficult relationship, she can deal with it herself. She is an individual and makes her own choices. You say it isn't abusive, which is good, and would be a case for helping her by finding resources or taking her to some sort of shelter. She can leave her bf and stay with friends who have no intention of fucking her.

Bringing her into your home and having sex with her is not "taking care of someone." I question his love for her. It just sounds like lust and a need to be in control.

PossiblyPoly 05-22-2012 11:00 PM

Ok. That's miscomunication on my part.

It wouldn't be "Hi, welcome to our home. Lets go screw."

We had a rough plan of maybe a series of visits, sort of like dating. To give her (and us) time to see if this relationship would even be feasable. Just how we'd go about that was something to be ironed out once/if she decided this was something she even wanted to attempt.

I hadn't even thought that anyone would get the impression that it would involve sex straight away. My apologies.

PossiblyPoly 05-22-2012 11:04 PM

She does have friends, though few family. I don't know how close she is with any of them. The brother she was closest to was killed a few months ago in an as of yet, unsolved crime.

Of course, if she felt more comfortable going to stay with them, that'd be perfectly okay.

No one is saying she has to come with us. We are simply offering her a place within our family, should it be something she wants.

Controlling is not something that applies to my husband. Again, that must be my inept presentation of this situation.

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