Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Husband has certain expectations (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23851)

Chaos 05-21-2012 10:52 PM

Husband has certain expectations
I seriously wonder if my husband, JQ, has a sex addiction or a hormone imbalance (and no, he refuses to go to doc about it). And I'm wondering how this might be an issue down the road. I got together with a friend of ours, JS a month or so ago. The three of us had sex together (not JS and JQ, although JS is bi, JQ is not). We've done this a couple times. For JQ it's some fetish of watching me with another guy.

This weekend we had a party, JS came and stayed after everybody left, along with one of his friends. We had been drinking quite a bit, JS and I went to the bedroom to watch TV and kind of melted into the bed, got super comfy and cuddly (JQ and JS' friend stayed up drinking and talking). This was awesome. I never get that cuddly with JQ. I didn't have hands grabbing at me for once. Eventually JQ came into the bedroom and wanted to get it on. It's super late and I was sore and tired and just wanted to pass out, we were already just about there. I told JQ multiple times and he just kept grabbing at me. I'd grab his hand and try to glue it to me and as soon as I let go he'd try again. Eventually he slept a little, and let JS and I just sleep it off.

The next day he couldn't believe we didn't have sex or even remove clothing. He doesn't get that there is this space between not touching and sex. I've tried to talk to him about this many times. We have sex just about every night because 1. it feels good and I can sleep and 2. if I didn't I would have to fight with JQ for like an hour as I'm trying to sleep. He seriously will not back off. I've tried to talk to him about every other day, but he doesn't seem to care about what I want. No matter how much I tell him.

I don't like to be pawed over all the time (and yes, I constantly tell JQ such). I have sore spots and need the rest. Being able to just be all warm and cozy was so nice. It made me realize how much I miss it and how JQ doesn't do that.

JS hasn't had a partner in over a year, and really wanted the physical affection. JQ doesn't seem to get that either.

So between my theories of high testosterone, possible ADD/OCD and/or Aspergers, I'm trying to get what I need to say drilled into his head without getting mean about it. Just this morning he got into it with me because he was talking about an instance from 25 years ago that he's told me a billion times and I didn't want to hear it again.

And I don't think JQ is jealous at all (I've been really trying to watch for that, and talk to him about as much as I am feeling). Just puzzled. My cat on the other hand, totally jealous. She gets jealous of my husband too. She climbed up on the bed, got between us and wouldn't move without claws involved.

corey 05-21-2012 11:04 PM


Originally Posted by Chaos (Post 136502)
I seriously wonder if my husband, JQ, has a sex addiction or a hormone imbalance (and no, he refuses to go to doc about it). And I'm wondering how this might be an issue down the road. I got together with a friend of ours, JS a month or so ago. The three of us had sex together (not JS and JQ, although JS is bi, JQ is not). We've done this a couple times. For JQ it's some fetish of watching me with another guy.

Im a very sexual straight male and sometimes drive my girlfriend crazy. Honestly I do feel like it is a problem, sometimes I know I am overdoing it. I do have ADHD but not to be vulgar I do get horny a lot, even if sometimes I dont want to have sex I feel as though I need to be touchy and of course after a while she gets pretty pissed off.

Tonberry 05-22-2012 03:20 AM

The way you describe it, his problem sounds more like being rude and disrespectful. If you have to say no or push him away more than once, that's bad. You're not his plaything, if he's horny and you're not in the mood he can take care of it on his own.
I feel bad for you. I've been with someone who would insist over and over again in the past and it was a real pain. Now I'm with someone who never insists and it's a real relief. And when he's the one not in the mood, I don't insist either so the relationship isn't strained.

My point is... He's being extremely disrespectful. Your saying no or pushing him away once should be enough for him not to insist any more that night. What does he hope to achieve? Does he think you'll enjoy it because he's forceful?
Honestly, just reading it made me extremely uncomfortable. You shouldn't end up having sex just so he'll leave you alone. That's not right. I've been with guys with a higher sex drive than me, but most of them knew to get release elsewhere when I wasn't in the mood, and I think that's what his problem is.

Chaos 05-22-2012 03:35 PM

You're right, he is being disrespectful. Just last night he basically came in and attacked me while I was watching TV. Our daughter is out at a school camping trip and he thought he'd use the time to spend with me, but couldn't just sit there with me, he had to be all over me. He also has a problem coming, it takes way too long, I've come multiple times, he thinks it's cool to make me do that, and I've again, told him that all it does is make me sore. I'm done, exhausted and too stimulated, and when that happens, I don't want to be touched at all. And it's not like it last just 5 minutes, it's a LOT longer.

We've had this discussion plenty of times. I don't think he hears me (and that goes with more than just this, but with normal everyday things). It's just really sad that he won't get it. He just gets butt hurt when I keep trying to bring this up. I wish I could express it in a way that he'd finally get it. Maybe one of the guys here can give me a different point of view so I can express it in a different way.

AnnabelMore 05-22-2012 04:00 PM

This is sexual harassment plain and simple. A man continually pressuring a woman for sex after she's said no is sexual harassment whether he's her partner or not, just as if, god forbid, he ever flat out ignores your no it would be rape, whether he's your partner or not.

Your body is YOURS, not his, and if he doesn't get that then it's perfectly acceptable to get "mean" about it.

If a partner were treating me like I was a sextoy without a right to my own feelings and person, I would end that relationship. At the very least, if I were you, I would tell him that this issue might well end your relationship (unless you can imagine your "no, thank you"s being an invitation for a fight for the next 40 years of your life???). No means no is not just a saying, it has to mean something.

Dalsol 05-22-2012 07:10 PM

I'm coming out of lurking to express a deep concern and a little personal experience.

I dated someone just like this for just over a year a while back.
  • He also was constantly all over me - not too much of an issue with my high sex drive.
  • He also took a ridiculously long time to finish - over an hour every time and required a lot of stimulation. To put things indelicately, the longer time leads to the woman drying up and increased friction which was the only way he could finish. Uncomfortable/painful for the woman but he didn't seem to care about that.
  • He also had a real issue with "no" or "not tonight", viewing it as a personal insult.
  • He perhaps differs from your husband in that he was also very much of the opinion that he owned me, he certainly never would've considered poly.
  • Eventually, around 3/4 year into our relationship he didn't listen to no, forcibly kept me awake for hours trying every time I started to fall asleep and eventually forcibly inflicted anal on me. Something that I had explicitly refused consent to repeatedly.

You have obviously been with your husband a lot longer and he is by no means the same person but I would urge serious caution with men like this. In my ex-partner's case he developed a very high sex drive very young and had taken up masturbating multiple times a day for years. The drive was natural, the lack of sensitivity was self inflicted, the lack of care for others people's comfort when mixed with this these was a recipe for disaster.

No judgement here, but please, take care and try to consider how you would view your relationship as an outside party. This may not be appropriate but has your new partner expressed any views on your relationship with your husband? He's probably better placed to see it as it is than we will ever be over the internet.

SNeacail 05-22-2012 07:25 PM

I would call this rape!

Chaos 05-22-2012 08:02 PM

Okay, I'm not calling this rape in the slightest, and maybe some of what I've said is misconstrued, but I'm also VERY submissive. If I really didn't want to do it, and he forced me, I'd knock him upside the head. Last night I made him stop and it was just the emotional guilt that makes me upset.

He does seem to take my feedback as an issue with him, and not an issue with me or us. He claims he's trying to "up my endurance", which I don't need in the slightest, nor do I think that is possible. I think it's his fantasy that I can act like a porn star or something. We never have a quicky, which would be nice to have more often than not.

I'm just trying to figure out WHY he does this and if it's a medical problem, a psychological problem, or whatever. He's finally realizing that it's not normal to have sex everyday. I need to figure out a way to get it through his thick skull. He's really needy of my attention period. I have him and my daughter fighting for attention (he's a SAHD, I work FT) and I don't get time for myself. And when I tell him that for the umpteenth time, he takes it as an insult. And this is the ADD talking, the not shuting up at all.

What I'm seeing is that he thinks of nothing but sex and thinks everybody else is thinking of nothing but sex. But not me, I have work, kid, my own interests, I need down time. I need to find a way to get this to him without him feeling like crap.

I also do not plan on giving up on him. Nobody is perfect, we're married for a reason. But I do fear that the more time I spend with JS, the more I'll resent JQ and his neediness. I don't want that to happen.

laughingowl 05-28-2012 05:31 AM

One thought,

Any possibility of HIM finding an additional partner.

While I will echo everyone else, and say he does sound rather self-focused and less caring about YOUR feelings, then I personally would want in a partner, one of the advantages (imo at least) of a Poly life style, is the recognition that a relationship can be 'good' but not everything a person needs.

If you have a cuddle-buddy to fulfill your needs, would you be ok, if you husband got a hump-like-a-rabbit buddy to fulfill his needs.

I would try to talk to your husband and explain.

1) Making you dislike/not look forward to sex with him, is NOT going to increase your endurance, but make you like it even less/want it less. You certainly can 'increase' your endurance, but more then straight sex, its about build-up, and not quiet letting you hit the peak. The trick is you need to ENJOY whats going on, for as long as possible... Straight sex, is less likely to extend that then, hands, fingers, toys, tongues things that can be lubricated if needed, and easy to push you to the edge, but not over and hold you there... so yes you can build endurance but doesn't sound like he is going about it the right way...

2) Now It does sound like you have somebody you can get something you are needing but not getting enough of (cuddle time), but does sound like your husband also is missing out on something. Would you (and/or him) consider a partner for HIM?

Chaos 05-30-2012 11:03 PM

I have tried to talk to my husband hundreds of times about this, he's having a hard time understanding (I think, or something). He has been talking to a few friends about his unsatiated sex drive and is understanding better that it's not normal, but doesn't put what he's learned into use.

There is one person that I wouldn't mind him having a sexual relationship with. They already have a very close relationship and have expressed the wanting for more. But this person is now out of state and if she were to be a partner for him, she wouldn't satisfy his needs either. She's one of those once a monthers. But she and I get along great and have communicated quite clearly about this before, her wanting my explicit permission before doing anything.

His issue (that I see) is his choice of prospects. He brings home crazy people! I do not like 90% of the women that he finds suitable for this purpose. For example, one woman wants him, but she has a habit of getting pregnant by married men. That's NOT okay in my book, I can't trust her in the slightest. Quite a few have expressed interest with being with both of us. I'm not bi so I'm really not interested, and am bothered and uncomfortable by the pressure. One person kept treating him like a boyfriend (like "come rescue me" when she could have dealt with things herself, because she's too stupid to be independent) when she knew I wanted to kick her teeth (but I'm not violent) in because of disrespecting our family time and his responsibilities (besides some other stupidness on her part). There have been a handful of people that I've figured out are bipolar or worse (not that there is anything wrong with mental illness, just deal with it and take meds, not pretend that everything is okay when it's not). Most of them are needy women who want to suck energy from him, energy that I can't get out of him to take care of his family enough.

He has no crazy-dar. I can see it right away, I tell him, he doesn't believe me, he continues to talk to unsane person, and then I look like the bad guy until the person shows their true colors, way after it's taken a toll on us.

So yeah, super easy to figure out huh? I need a sane, trustworthy nympho that isn't needy and respects our family.

All times are GMT. The time now is 11:15 AM.