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Sugarbooger 05-21-2012 03:59 AM

My situation is kind of awkward right now. Getting ready to file for divorce. We still live together and share a bed, no sex. I don't want any with him. We had a "misunderstanding" about 5-6 months ago and things happened that were not agreed to by me. After that, I really never wanted to do it with him again. For the record, we've been skirting the D word for almost 4 years. Things would get better, then bad, then better, then bad. Finally, I've just had enough. So, I've done all I could do, and realized I just have limits that can't be extended.

So to save our marriage--BAD IDEA, we were in a brief triad with another woman and it got too tit-for-tat with him, and I shut him out. She had values that conflicted with mine, and I think they'd be better off with each other. My job is to be a good mom, practice peace, civility, and take care of myself. I don't want any serious relationship right now.

The problem is, I want to still get laid! I have candidates, and feel like I shouldn't take up any offers just because shit is so complicated. Has any of this ever happened to anyone here?

corey 05-21-2012 11:07 PM

If you have both agreed that you no longer want to be together i dont see why you shouldnt be happy with other people. However, if he still wants to be with you I think its best to at least separate to a place of your own before doing this to avoid serious problems (just watch the news these days people get crazy)

nycindie 05-21-2012 11:15 PM


Originally Posted by Sugarbooger (Post 136404)
The problem is, I want to still get laid! I have candidates, and feel like I shouldn't take up any offers just because shit is so complicated. Has any of this ever happened to anyone here?

When you agreed to divorce yet still live together, was there any discussion about having sex with other people? Is there any way you can not sleep in the same bed together until you finalize things? Even an air mattress in a spare room might help. I think if you two weren't sleeping in the same bed, it would make getting laid easier. I don't think it's a bad thing to go and get some action, but I would be careful about where and when it happens, and not to rub your husband's nose in it by coming home smelling of sex and things like that.

Sugarbooger 05-22-2012 11:26 AM

Well, yesterday we sat down together and he said that he would basically do anything to keep our marriage together, even if that meant I had other lovers, male and female. He said he'd think about it, but he was pretty sure that he was willing to do whatever to keep us together.

I honestly don't think he's capable of doing this, but I can't know for sure because I'm not him.

I laid it all out for him: I'd need the freedom to be who I am as a queer poly and the importance of our own privacy, emotional space, and I'd need to know he was actively working on his own stuff. That's one of the problems, he scrambles, makes improvements, gets complacent, and goes back to his old ways. I don't feel like sticking around for that anymore.

Is it selfish for me to be who I want to be? Of course I know the answer is no, but I also feel a little guilty at times for taking care of me, esp. with kids. I'd love to hear from other people with children to hear some experience, strength, and hope.

IrisAwakened 06-02-2012 04:47 PM

I did a tag search for divorce, because I am in a similar (not same) situation. A year before we introduced poly, our sex life took a turn. I think it might be just me, but whatever it is, I can't finish having sex with him when I start. I feel used. I try to just stick it out for him, but essential "rape" myself by being physically not into it as I allow him to take more. I would be sore the next day, complete with bleeding from the trauma I allowed to be inflicted. He is not a bad guy, and most of the time he thought I was into it. That was my own communication error. I have talked to him about it 3 times since then. Our sex life has dropped off because every time I think of him that way, I think of pain.

So this last time we had sex, I did it again, after not doing that for months. It was the worse that it has ever been. I realized why I feel like I am being raped, its because he is just taking, he isn't interested in giving pleasure. We've been married for 7 years now, he KNOWS what I like, yet he does nothing to please me. That is why I feel used. So after this time I have been actually scared of sex with him. It was something I completely brushed aside until I told one of my poly ex's (whom I am good friends with) and he made me promise not to put myself in that situation again. It made me realize that there are some real problems here that shouldn't be ignored.

Right then. So now I hardly spend time at home, he and I are more like friends/roommates and I don't plan on having sex with him again. I have told him all of this, and said "I feel selfish for keeping you in a marriage that isn't completely satisfying". He really really doesn't want to split (which is good, I guess), but I don't think he realizes the gravity of the situation. I don't love him like I used to. I don't think all is lost yet, but I am leaning that way. I am searching the net for other's in similar situations. I don't want to split our family up, but I want to make choices that will be best for everyone. I am wondering about separation. I am wondering if he could just accept that we are roommates, a new relationship status, and give me a little more freedom in that.

Good luck with your situation, please feel free to PM me for support.

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