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-   -   Im new - my gf wants open relationship, i need help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23814)

corey 05-20-2012 08:06 PM

Im new - my gf wants open relationship, i need help
 
I would appreciate private messages to have conversation about this, hopefully someone has similar experience since i know this is intro forum.

I have with my girlfriend for 1-1/2 years now. This has been a monogamous relationship. She moved in with me after about 6 months (yes fast). We are both students but I have money saved to handle my rent until I finish school. However, she does not - partially why she moved in I think.

Friday night she sprung onto me that she wants / believes in open relationships and wants an open relationship. Her definition of open relationship:

I am the one she loves and wants to be with, live with and we can both see other people (not like a regular relationship) she describes it as friends that hang out with and have casual sex. At the same time she doesnt want me to know the person(s) but says it would be the same person for a while just because it takes time to find someone who wants casual setting like this, but she also admits she doesnt tell him she is in a relationship either.

I could use some help dealing with this, I truly love this girl, and perhaps my emotions are making this out to be more than it is, or maybe I am being used.
I saw others mention possible support in different areas, and I am open - I live in Spokane, WA

JaneQSmythe 05-20-2012 09:32 PM

Sorry, but this does sound like you are being used. She moves in with you after 6 months because she doesn't have financial resources? (I can't really ding anyone for moving in too quickly - I practically moved in with MrS the day we started sleeping with him and Dude moved in just as quickly).

The fact that she is not willing to tell her casual fuck-buddy(FB)/friend with benefits(FWB) about her other relationship is a big "red flag" for me. If she is willing to lie to him, what makes you think she is being honest with you? Some people are not willing to let their metamours meet but a ground-rule of "ethical nonmonogamy" (be it open/swinging/poly/some combination) is honesty - everyone should at least know of everyone else so that they can make informed decisions (regarding emotional involvement, safer sex, etc.).

Just my 2 cents.

JaneQ

(will PM you this same message)

corey 05-21-2012 12:51 AM

Thank you for quick response

kdt26417 05-21-2012 01:42 AM

Hi corey,
Welcome to our forum.

Sounds like a tough situation you're dealing with; I agree with Jane Q that any partners involved should at least be aware of each other. Your girlfriend may have some unrealistic expectations about how this can work.

Anyway, I hope you're able to figure things out. Generous communication is always a good idea.

With respects/regards,
Kevin T.

corey 05-21-2012 01:46 AM

She is very much against the feeling of being "controlled" I need a really good strategy to figure out how to ask for that.

When you meet the person, what is that interaction suppose to be? I mean I dont think i want to hang out with them or get personal with them but making sure he knows Im here and she is in relationship and I know who he is would be helpful to me.

She will feel as though this is being to "snoopy" or controlling

kdt26417 05-21-2012 03:18 AM

It's her decision, of course. (All you can decide, ultimately, is what you can live with and what would be a dealbreaker to you.) In general, though, it just would be a wise thing for her to do to at least tell her "other dates" that you're in the equation. Otherwise, it's not honest, and that's not ethical, plus it can lead to some really bad drama somewhere down the road.

There's all kinds of "shades of poly;" it's not always done in a certain way. But 100% honesty (with all parties involved) is usually considered a must. In your case, I think maybe you're wanting to meet whoever she's dating in person, which is actually a pretty good idea and advisable in most cases. That way, everyone has direct confirmation that "the other person is okay with what's going on."

All's I can think of to tell you is to try to engage her at a time when you and she are both relaxed and able to discuss things calmly. Try to avoid lines of conversation that try to establish "who's wrong or right;" instead just tell her that you'd really like to meet the people she's dating, and is there some compromise you could come to, or some way to make that work. Tell her you don't mean to snoop or control, that this is just something that would make the arrangement easier for you. Try to give her ample chance to express her feelings, and show her that you are listening to her and hearing her.

Beyond that, I think it's kind of up to her to be agreeable toward you, and at least try to come to some kind of a compromise. It's not like you can just "cause her to be agreeable;" she has to make her own choice about that.

But yes, I would advise being open with all involved parties about what's going on. If she doesn't tell her dates about you, it's almost like she's cheating on her dates. Not that I'd *say* it to her like that, but. Maybe she doesn't realize what she's asking? I'm a huge proponent of freedom, but responsible behavior is still important as well.

Anyway, sit down with her for a heart-to-heart about these things as soon as you can.

corey 05-21-2012 07:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by kdt26417 (Post 136392)
It's her decision, of course. (All you can decide, ultimately, is what you can live with and what would be a dealbreaker to you.) In general, though, it just would be a wise thing for her to do to at least tell her "other dates" that you're in the equation. Otherwise, it's not honest, and that's not ethical, plus it can lead to some really bad drama somewhere down the road.
....
Anyway, sit down with her for a heart-to-heart about these things as soon as you can.

Again, appreciate the info. We only had the one conversation so far and it was somewhat lengthy. I explained to her what I need right now is "honesty, trust, patience, and openness". By patience I explained that there might be repetitive conversation at first about things.

She feels as though it is better for me not to know details the "dont ask dont tell" policy because it would only hurt me, but she is making that decision for me and Im trying to let her know that she should let me decide. In all honesty I feel more and more closer to her the more she shares (good or bad) because i really get to know her on the inside and know more about her than anyone else.

However, when I try to talk about it more she gets annoyed (im understanding her perspective) but thats why i explained that she needs to be patient and she might be repeating a conversation at time so things are really clear.

She is a really strong independent person she is not typical girl. If you read this article about 25 sweet romantic gestures for everyday life, i can guarantee most of them would annoy the hell out of her http://www.lovepanky.com/love-couch/...-everyday-life

This makes it so much harder because our roles are somewhat reversed and im the soft caring "nice guy finishes last" kinda guy that feels with emotions which makes the open relationship so difficult for me. And she knows this.

nycindie 05-21-2012 09:40 PM

Invite her to join here and take part in your discussion threads.

corey 05-21-2012 10:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 136485)
Invite her to join here and take part in your discussion threads.

I would love that, but if you knew her you would know that would NEVER happen.

She doesnt want me to talk to anyone else about this. She doesnt want anyone else to know about this thing "open relationship" she feels embarrassed about it (so she says) and she admits that its not normal and describes it as being like a "sickness" or something.

Most of all though she also says that by me talking with others about it I am not showing a "sense of self" or that I have my own identity. She would kill me if she saw all these messages. Im just trying to keep calm about it all.

km34 05-22-2012 01:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by corey (Post 136495)

Most of all though she also says that by me talking with others about it I am not showing a "sense of self" or that I have my own identity. She would kill me if she saw all these messages. Im just trying to keep calm about it all.

The more I read your threads the more I wonder why you are with this woman. I mean,really. She cheated on you, contributes nothing to living expenses, won't talk to you about something VERY new that completely changes your relationship, criticizes you for researching, and balks at almost every boundary/rule you request. I see no respect for you or your relationship.


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