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Outthebox 05-20-2012 05:43 PM

Just getting started
I started a thread in the introductions forum, it gives a general overview of our situation, prior mistakes and where we stand at this time. Briefly, my wife, Kathy and I are married, living together with two almost adult teen children. I had a brief intimate relationship with Rita, and we mutually decided to just be friends at this time, no intimacy or kissing. I want to pursue a poly relationship with both. Rita is open to the idea, Kathy is unsure. I am totally in love with Rita, and I love my wife Kathy. After reading several threads on this forum, I see that many of the relationships involve a primary relationship and a secondary relationship. Should we work it out and become engaged in a triad relationship, Rita will not settle being a secondary, and I agree with her. Kathy will also not agree to being a secondary, and I agree with her. What I want is a co primary relationship. Not necessarily living under the same roof, maybe a compound with two houses on the same property would be ideal in my mind. We really have no financial constraints that would restrain us from having such a compound. Currently my wife an I co mingle finances. I don’t see it necessary to co mingle finances with Rita, although I have no particular hesitancy to do so, unless it creates an issue for Kathy. What I am thinking about co primary relates mainly to time and activities. I can give some examples. I imagine spending equal amount of time with each, maybe alternate nights, one night with Rita, next night with Kathy. We could go on vacations together, or separately, long as I give equal to each.
Sexually, Rita is straight and Kathy is bi. Kathy and I have had some experience with swinging and at one time had a long term sexual relationship with another woman. There was no jealously that I was aware of. Kathy encouraged me to be sexual with our girlfriend, Most of the time Kathy and I and the girlfriend were together sexually. On a couple of occasions, Kathy encouraged me to be with our girlfriend alone, in one case the girlfriend and I went out of town for almost a week. But, this was clearly not a poly relationship, it was strictly sexual. We no longer see the girlfriend sexually, she is married now with a new baby. There were never any hard feeling in this triad, however there was never any real love with the girlfriend, it was just fun and games. I mention this just to give some insight on Kathy and I's relationship. My situation with Rita is different, I am in love with her, Kathy knows this and Is unsure how she feels about it.
Kathy now wants to meet Rita, I think this is a natural progression and how we should proceed after the rocky start we had.
Some time soon, I will need to discuss with Kathy what I want and how I want this relationship to be structured.I have had some discussion with Rita on what I want and how I would like it structured.
What I would like from this forum is information and experiences on poly relationships with two primaries, all on equal ground. Also it will be a very delicate discussion, explaining to Kathy why i want and need Rita in my life. Kathy may ask why she is not enough for me.

nycindie 05-20-2012 10:54 PM

Have you done a search? there are many threads on this and related topics. You can use Advanced Search or Tag Search and look for "co-primary or co-primaries," "equanimity," "foundations," and other keywords.

redpepper 05-21-2012 05:07 AM

"lessons" "primaries" "secondaries" all good tags

I have two primaries. Although Mono would disagree. Really, I think you should just read around and see what others have done in their lives... everyone has a different take.

Cleo 05-21-2012 10:14 AM


Originally Posted by Outthebox (Post 136321)
Kathy now wants to meet Rita, I think this is a natural progression and how we should proceed after the rocky start we had.
Some time soon, I will need to discuss with Kathy what I want and how I want this relationship to be structured.I have had some discussion with Rita on what I want and how I would like it structured.

How long have you and Rita been together?
My husband has been with his girlfriend for about 10 months. At the moment the structure is that I'm his primary, but I could see this changing in the future.. but it will take a lot of time, and work, and it will certainly take a lot of work between me and the girlfriend. We have met a couple of times. But we are taking things very slowly, which I think is the only way to go...

You say Kathy and Rita have not met and that you only talked about the structure you would like with both of them separately. If I were one of them, I would not consider co-primary ship without knowing that the 'other woman' is someone I can like, trust, and be in that kind of relationship with (because the two of them will be in a relationship too, even if it's not sexual).

Outthebox 05-21-2012 11:19 PM

Much more to consider
Cleo, those are some good points. I have been working under the premise that we need to work out structure before entering into a triad relationship. I have been seeing Rita for a few weeks recently. Rita and i lived together many years ago when i was in my early 20's. We separated for reasons that had nothing to do with our relationship, it was what i consider a tragic event. She went on with her life and i with mine. About 4 years ago Rita and I had seen each other several times over a month or so time period, it was strictly friends, no sex, no kissing, just rehashing our lives. The Rita stopped seeing me, she tells me now that it was because she was having feelings for me that she was uncomfortable with, being that i was married. If you read my prior post, Rita and I have started seeing each other again a few weeks ago with some complications in that i was not honest with Kathy, the story is in my prior post.
I have since told Kathy how I feel about Rita, that I am in love with her and want her in my life. Kathy has been great about it
I know its the best course of action to take this slow. Rita and Kathy have to meet and they will, probably in a couple of weeks, because we are are traveling over the next week or so. Rita and i are in agreement on that we will not be more than friends to each other at this time. If and when we enter into a poly relationship that is agreeable to all then we could pursue a more intimate loving and sexual relationship. I have to admit, i long for that relationship now and it is difficult to wait. I do understand the importance and necessity of starting a relationship in an honest and respectful manner. Respectful of both Rita and Kathy's feelings. I am seeing that Kathy and I will need to spend a good bit of time with Rita in friendship type relationship. This will allow Kathy and Rita to get to know each other and trust each other. Since both Kathy and Rita know what my ultimate goal is, to be in a poly relationship with both, each being equal, no primary and secondary, I am not sure of how these dynamics will work out during the time Rita and Kathy are getting to know one another. I think Kathy is reserved about commenting on if she would be willing to enter into such a relationship. Rita is much more forthcoming in discussing her expectations and needs, which makes it much easier for me to wrap my head around. I understand Kathy's perspective, I am asking her to drastically change our relationship which she as grown accustom to over the lase decade or so, to bring another woman into our marriage. I know I am asking a lot. I truly believe, knowing both Kathy and Rita, it could be a wonderful relationship for all. I think Rita would bring a lot to our collective relationship and i could see the two of them getting along very well. I think it will improve all of our lives. As you mentioned about your relationship, It seems the natural progression that we enter into this with Kathy being Primary and Rita Secondary initially then working toward changing that to where both were primary. I think Kathy would probably be most comfortable with that. In speaking with Rita, I believe that Rita would only engage such a situation if our relationship were strictly platonic she will not accept being considered secondary, and I would not feel good about that situation either. I can see the practical wisdom of starting out that way until trust and feelings are established. It is something i should discuss with both. Please share with me how your relationship progressed and how you think it may change in the future where you will no longer be primary.

nycindie 05-21-2012 11:48 PM

I really don't think such labels and designations as primary, secondary, or co-primary are all that important in this situation. There is equal and there is fair and there is equanimity - they aren't all the same thing. If I were you, I would back off a bit on reiterating your desire to have everything be "equal." Kathy has invested a lot into her relationship with you - it could seem an insult for you to keep asserting that Rita have the same place in your life that she does. I also think that you can afford to let go of the fantasy that you all live together for now. Being equal, living together, developing friendships, regaining trust -- these are all things that can only happen over time, and with a lot of hard work, soul-searching, commitment, and honest communication.

Worrying about the structure is a bass-ackwards way to approach it. People are people and structures arise out of what people want and how they feel best interacting. It is usually a futile attempt to try and set up a structure first and expect people to fit into it. You need to worry about the relationships first.

Who knows - you, Kathy, and Rita could arrive at an arrangement that you would never have imagined, so stop thinking in terms of where and how they will fit into your pictures of what you think would be a great situation, and let the relationships evolve and morph into something that is right for all involved. Because you really can't control these things, and it always seems to backfire for those people who say things like, "I want a triad, so I'm going to find people (or ask people already in my life) to insert into this dream triad of mine, and they have to make it work." Kablooey!

The first things you need to do is work on regaining Kathy's trust and letting them build their friendship as they see fit.

Outthebox 05-22-2012 03:10 AM

Thanks NYCindie
That makes more sense than anything. I need to really stop trying to figure it out so much and concentrate on the relationships. I dont care for the labes either.

Phy 05-22-2012 05:20 AM

Miss Indie is right in telling you to be cautious to label things as equal. I did that in the beginning as well and it didn't sit well with my husband. It was my clumsy way of trying to tell him what I couldn't voice differently: That my feelings had grown to such an extend that I wasn't able to call anyone more important to me anymore. This didn't mean that the life my husband and I spend with each other would have been of less importance, there would always be 'more' to our relationship regarding the time we were in each other's life.

I live a relationship structure close to what you are envisioning for yourself. The difference from your situation in my case is that the two men and I knew each other for years prior to us starting to develop the poly relationship. Those years helped my husband to feel comfortable with my boyfriend because both already has some kind of daily basis they could work with. Both are totally focused on 'our' homelife and we moved bf in as soon as possible after the first steps were done into an intimate relationship between him and I. If you are interested, the story is in the Life stories and blog section of this forum.

I think it is a good approach to wait some time to give the women some opportunities to get to know each other without the pressure of an intimate mix mingled into everything. This helped us big time. In regard to what will come out of it, wait and see would be my approach there as well. Don't press things into certain shapes, they may fit your preferences that way but you could be disregarding someone's wishes by doing so. Just sit and wait what you will be able to develop with the three of you. Wishing you luck :)

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