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-   -   Poly or alone (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2381)

Justbeloving 03-25-2010 07:00 AM

Poly or alone
 
Those are my choices. I've been married for 22 yrs 4 months. We've been separated for a while now and during this time he allowed me another relationship which I had to end because he was insecure and decided to use religious/moral beliefs to guilt and shame me. On top of that he betrayed me in the worst way possible (funny, after all his convictiousness concerning Gods word). Our marital issues and my coming to the realization that I am poly were parallel in time. One having nothing to do with the other but in my own confusion of my feelings, the guilt and shame of those feelings I attributed them to something else. Much heartache in the last 18 months. Desperate to be true to myself, wanting so much for him to understand me, to understand "this" and what it means. I have soo much love for him and more... needing to express it. We are bonded,period. The love will never fade away, yet he cannot accept who I am. Pining for the one who I love the most, for the one who I know loves me the most, to love and accept me for who/what I am.
I can deny within me what I've worked so hard to understand and accept, live as others expect me to, in a monogamous marraige. Or, embrace the knowledge, accept who I am and be alone. I very much feel that if I am to be true to myself it can only be with him. If I cannot be with him, I do not desire any other.
Stuck... hindered... oppressed... having much love to give.

redpepper 03-25-2010 07:17 AM

keep at it and look for doors opening, because they will. It's amazing what time does, it makes changes we aren't aware of just yet. It softens things. Be confident in that and keep at being yourself. :) I'm living proof that anything is possible if you dare to be you.

Quath 03-26-2010 01:50 AM

That is tough. Do you think he will change his views over time? Is he interested in learning more about polyamory?

Justbeloving 03-26-2010 08:43 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Quath (Post 24876)
That is tough. Do you think he will change his views over time? Is he interested in learning more about polyamory?

I am working very hard at this point to show him how much I love him without giving up on the truth about myself. The realization that my rationale from the past to persue a relationship outside of marraige is not correct and helping him to understand and BELIEVE that realization and what I have sorted out,I believe, is the key to him wanting to understand further. Previous I was not even aware of the term "polyamory"... I called it "open marraige"... so you see, without even a correct term for how I felt let alone understanding completely what I was feeling led to much confusion and heartache. I have to go back and correct, hope and pray he understands and would want to persue further knowledge in this newly discovered realm. Hope that makes some kind of sense.

GroundedSpirit 03-27-2010 01:17 PM

Moving on
 
Good morning JustBeLoving,

Well, let me see if I can add a comment or two that might help you sort things out.

First, polyamory like many other things, is part philosophy and part practice. I suspect there are many people in the world that have done some deep self analysis and understand and embrace the concepts behind poly. In theory. Not all of them are practicing for a variety of reasons - practicality being one of them.
We all have dreams of maybe what a better world would look like - for ourselves and for the world in general. The brave, ambitious and idealistically inclined are usually the first to make the plunge. And it's seldom painless. For those that do you hope the pain is worth the gain(s) ! Regarding poly, for those with the right heart and work ethic it usually is.

Second - and this I guess is subjective - love and living arrangements (the role we play in each other's lives) may or may not coincide. It seems we are fully capable of loving someone deeply and yet our paths in life may NOT run parallel, without requiring more sacrifice than we might feel is reasonable to expect - from them OR ourselves. That doesn't diminish the love - only changes the expression of it.

It's a very personal choice how each of us navigates this. From your post it would seem that the two of you have a big philosophical gap. How much philosophy (being true to ourself) means to us vs sacrifices we seem to have to make for practical reasons is one of those big, tough decisions. For some, "walking the walk" is critical for our own conscience. For others, not so much. But failing to live genuinely can have a lot of subtle complications even extending to our physical & mental health. Don't be ignorant of that risk. Trying to live contrary to our beliefs can carry a heavy cost - to ourselves and everyone we touch. In the end it can be that everyone loses.

Only you can determine the outcome.

Good luck. We're here to help any way we can.

GS

disarmedheart 03-28-2010 09:25 AM

Poly or alone, this is exactly how I find myself feeling tonight, after deciding that I can't play the monogamous part in a relationship with my once previously poly girlfriend.

What a deplorable sadness.

LovingRadiance 03-29-2010 02:00 AM

I spent 6 months feeling alone, while I continued to lovingly be AVAILABLE to my husband.
I helped find him an apartment that was appropriate in size and cost so that our children could spend time with him at will.
I bought groceries and stocked his cupboards while he was working overtime to cover expenses for both homes.
I bought him towels/shower curtain, comforter in "guy color/designs" so that his apartment was comfortable and not "me" like.
I answered when he called. I didn't lose my temper or freak out when he did.
I said I love you even though he was telling me all the reasons he hated me.
I left the door unlocked so he could enter at will as I always had.
When he snuck into my room and curled up next to me at 4am in tears, I silently held him until he snuck back out to go to work.

I loved him every moment he was filling out divorce paperwork because I cheated on him (I didn't know what poly was-I only knew I loved two men and couldn't reconcile the issue).
When given the option of signing the document that would finalize the separation of his retirement in half-I (with no request from him) told his lawyer that I wanted the document that if I signed would give him his retirement in full. In fact, I had to ARGUE for it because his lawyer knew I had been a sahm for the entire marriage-and the law here says it's 50/50 anyway.

When push came to shove he couldn't bring himself to actually FILE the paperwork for divorce. I didn't make demands, I didn't do anything except love him and take care of myself and the kids.

He returned. Still hurt, still angry, still confused. A few years go by. We spend endless heartbroken hours talking about the fact that I DO love both of them. GG moves out, GG moves back in etc.

Finally-I find this board and I write him a letter in September telling him about Polyamory-asking him to look at hte board and telling him I have to be real for myself. That I will love him ALWAYS and that I don't want him to leave. But that AS ALWAYS whatever his choice is-I will respect and honor his needs.

He's here, learning, struggling, finding out about me....

If you had asked him (or me) we would have told you -that this marriage was going to end in divorce, and that HE would leave me because I was "poly" (not using that owrd since we didnd't know it).

Justbeloving 03-30-2010 05:23 PM

Boldness
 
Good morning you all! Thank you so much for the words of wisdom & encouragement, they have been salve to my heart.

Disarmedheart my heart goes out to you...*hugs*

Kept myself open despite fearing the blows, let myself cry lots even when I didn't want him to know, prayed on my knees despite his own religious convictions, shown him love even when I've been so so angry with him... he's coming back home!!

Swirls of delight and fear in my core...

BriarRoseMcDougal 03-30-2010 09:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 24976)
Good morning JustBeLoving,


Second - and this I guess is subjective - love and living arrangements (the role we play in each other's lives) may or may not coincide. It seems we are fully capable of loving someone deeply and yet our paths in life may NOT run parallel, without requiring more sacrifice than we might feel is reasonable to expect - from them OR ourselves. That doesn't diminish the love - only changes the expression of it.



GS

Not to derail this thread, but I came here yesterday, looking for answers, looking for peace...openly poly for almost a year, but closet poly all my life...this statement above reconciled my challenge I was having....and gave me the peace I needed. Thank you.

Justbeloving 03-31-2010 01:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BriarRoseMcDougal (Post 25201)
Not to derail this thread, but I came here yesterday, looking for answers, looking for peace...openly poly for almost a year, but closet poly all my life...this statement above reconciled my challenge I was having....and gave me the peace I needed. Thank you.

Awww BriarRose... you did not derail the thread only added to it!! I'm glad you got something out of what GroundedSpirit had to say! Blessings! :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 24825)
keep at it and look for doors opening, because they will. It's amazing what time does, it makes changes we aren't aware of just yet. It softens things. Be confident in that and keep at being yourself. :) I'm living proof that anything is possible if you dare to be you.

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom redpepper:) This very short journey of actually embracing (facing) who it is I am has given me a sense of freedom even in the backdraft of adversity. A scriture that I used to stand on, and that your post reminded me of as I mulled your words over in my head (along with all the other craziness that has filled my mind the past few days), is ... "and the truth will set you free"... that scripture has resonated in me for several years and I've come to a greater understanding of it and because of it. I think guilt and shame (because of what others believed or thought of me) has held me back from the truth of myself and the truth in knowing (heart, mind and soul) that He is with me... WITHIN me and FOR me no matter what other religious dogma others choose to follow.
Now that I am choosing to follow that truth about myself...those doors are opening and I'm experiencing joy again!! *hugs!*


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