Polyamory.com Forum

Polyamory.com Forum (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/index.php)
-   Poly Relationships Corner (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=4)
-   -   Having a hard time...help (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2380)

lovebird13 03-25-2010 05:40 AM

Having a hard time...help
 
Hey, I would love some feedback from experienced polys. I've been really happy swinging for about 3 years. I've had ongoing lovers but I haven't really connected in a big way with any of them. And it was intentional. 'Keep your heart where it belongs...in your chest,' was my motto.

In Dec. I was invited to a party in CA and I met a couple who I liked alot. She actually brought me out to be his birthday present. Then she sent him out to CO as my Valentine present. We had 5 days alone and it was completely like falling down the rabbit hole of love love love. I allowed myself to be and say "In love" for the first time in 5 years.

The distance is hard and my emotions are out of control. I got back from CA a week ago. It was sooo different sharing him. She and I really connected, but as friends, not lovers although we played a lot as a threesome. We are all beginners at poly.

The whole experience was very stressful for all of us. His stress was trying to please us both. Hers was the insecurity of seeing her man so enamoured of me and mine was not getting him alone enough and worrying about her feelings.

I spent a lot of today processing and soul searching. At one point, I felt very close to breaking it off. Then minutes later, I'm happy and grateful for this amazing experience of LOVE.

I feel crazy, confused, euphoric, obsessed....all of it. Throw hormonal imbalance into the mix and you have one crazed woman:confused:!! Any insight anyone has will be gratefully received.

redpepper 03-25-2010 06:35 AM

Yup, you're in it.... There is nothing I can think of to say, except you aren't alone. Keep talking and there will be forward movement to something... it's never certain what in life, but it all settles somewhere. Keep at it, stay true to yourself, stay in tune with yourself and be compassionate and respectful to all involved. Hopefully they will do the same and you will all prosper.

Keep reading on here, there have been many that have gone before you. :)

lovebird13 03-25-2010 01:51 PM

Thanks! I find so much written from the couples point of view which is somewhat helpful. Not so much from the singles. Can you help me search this site for that?

Quath 03-26-2010 01:59 AM

It sounds like you are on the right path. Research and learn. Polyamory provides a new perspective that is not what we grew up with. The standard model of relationships is based on possession. In polyamory, it is based on desire to be together.

I have been the guy in the middle and it was hectic. I didn't learn till too late that i was stressing myself out when there were other ways I could handle it. Basically, I thought that if I spent X amount of time cuddling or hanging out with one girlfriend, I needed to spend the exact same amount of time with the other. A better way is to find out what they want. I had to realize we were not in kindergarten where such rules are needed. we needed to talk about desires and wants. Not everyone wants the same thing.

The wife needs to understand NRE and realize it is not a reflection of his feeling for her. He should understand it as well and realize where he starts to act obessed.

I don't know many poly single resources. If you listen to podcasts, Polyamory Weekly tends to talk about poly singles on a regular basis.

lovebird13 03-26-2010 04:27 AM

Thanks. She and I had a talk today and basically she isn't willing to share. She didn't admit it, but she basically said I can't be alone with him for more than an afternoon if I go to California and if he comes here, she's coming and again, no time alone.

I love what you said about possession vs. desire to be together. I'm sad but I respect her choice and I doubt that he will rock the boat. They clearly are not poly.

EugenePoet 03-26-2010 08:01 PM

Sorry to read that. Not a very generous spirit toward the relationship to say the least. What a heartbreak situation... Without the trust to give you and the BF space it really devolves to an adversarial dynamic where she sees you as competition and he has to make choices about who to hurt. But you understand all that I'm sure. I'm just sorry.

GroundedSpirit 03-27-2010 01:34 PM

Choices
 
Hi Lovebird,

Well, this scenario is pretty common.
At this point you really have two choices.

1> Continue to stay at the "fringe" and accept whatever conditions are in place that keeps them in their comfort zone and see how it evolves over time. Things may - and DO change. And sometimes they don't. So it's a risk of your time & emotions. Like a loan that may or may not be repaid. But given time for her to adjust, if she comes to the realization that the relationship between them and the love does NOT change because of your presence, things could grow.
Remember, the vast majority of people drifting into poly relationships have NO experience and a lifetime of reprogramming to overcome. It can't - and doesn't - happen overnight. For some it seems too big a mountain to scale. You don't know unless you sincerely try.

2> Back gently out, explaining to them that you care for them too much to inject pain & drama in their life. Let them know that if they do some work and feel better prepared to explore, that you'll be willing. But time may change that too. But try to make the exit in a kind & loving manner. There's no harm, no foul here. Not everyone is up to the task. This is probably one of the hardest things about being a poly loving person in the current society. You are the exception rather than the rule, which means that often there's more clouds than sunshine. But that sunshine is so warm and beautiful when we find it, we soon forget about the cloudy days.

Good luck !

GS

lovebird13 03-27-2010 09:07 PM

Thanks GS. I took the latter route this morning and though I'm sad, I feel good about it. I realized some arrogance on my part in thinking she should be more allowing. I love them both and hope that we all end up dear friends.

GroundedSpirit 03-29-2010 02:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lovebird13 (Post 24994)
Thanks GS. I took the latter route this morning and though I'm sad, I feel good about it. I realized some arrogance on my part in thinking she should be more allowing. I love them both and hope that we all end up dear friends.

I hope you do also !
And you'll make an excellent teacher someday :)

All we can do is proceed through life with love & integrity, planting seeds as we go. Some will rot - some will sprout and blossom beautifully. We can't see the future :)

GS

redpepper 03-29-2010 03:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit (Post 25075)
I hope you do also !
And you'll make an excellent teacher someday :)

All we can do is proceed through life with love & integrity, planting seeds as we go. Some will rot - some will sprout and blossom beautifully. We can't see the future :)

GS

I like this GS. Integrity is important to me always and is a good way to live I think.


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:13 PM.