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-   -   Is it normal to have open relationship with same person? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23797)

corey 05-20-2012 02:54 AM

Is it normal to have open relationship with same person?
 
My girlfriend wants an open relationship and what I read online it sounds like that typically is just a one night stand. But she wants to see the same person over and again. She says she made clear to him she doesnt want relationship and she tells me she loves only me, but Im concerned. It would bother me less if it was just one night stands.

This is the first time ive ever heard of open relationship, so I dont know if I can trust what she is saying because at first I was going to kick her out because I thought she was cheating (she disapeared a few times sometime til 3am) no calls no texts no explanation ... and today after I starting packing her things to leave she brings up open relationships and i love her and she says she love me but i dont know if i should worry that this is just something because i was about to kick her out and she has no money and no place to go and is just waiting to meet the right person to leave me.

Emm 05-20-2012 03:06 AM

If you're a swinger? Possibly not. If you're Poly? Yes, it's quite normal.

Having said that, it sounds like your girlfriend is after an ongoing FB arrangement rather than going for Poly with its associated emotional attachment.

corey 05-20-2012 03:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Emm (Post 136261)
If you're a swinger? Possibly not. If you're Poly? Yes, it's quite normal.

Having said that, it sounds like your girlfriend is after an ongoing FB arrangement rather than going for Poly with its associated emotional attachment.

Im not sure I understand what you mean? We are not swinger and she says she needs open relationship but i have always been monogomous. She says she doesnt feel anything for the other person, but why does she need to see the same person ... she claims they are "friends" as well as have casual sex but no emotional attachment like with me

Emm 05-20-2012 04:18 AM

The main difference usually pointed out between the swinger and poly lifestyles is that swinging is about the sex and poly is about the relationship. If your girlfriend wants sex without any emotional connection she is somewhere toward to swinging end of the spectrum.

I think it makes sense to have a friend with benefits arrangement rather than going out to find someone new every week. The friend is a known quantity; they've already passed the "possible axe murderer?" test, you know what they're like in bed, and you know where to find them when you want them. Personally I also like the emotional connection that's not there with someone I've never met before, but that's my preference.

ThatGirlInGray 05-20-2012 04:23 AM

Open relationships definitely do NOT need to be just one-night stands! FB, in this case, doesn't mean facebook. It means FWB, or Friends With Benefits, which is perfectly normal. Just because someone wants to have sex without being in love doesn't mean they necessarily want sex with a stranger who they will never see again. There's a lot of gray area in between those two extremes.

For myself, I don't usually have a physical relationship with someone unless I like and respect them and they like and respect me. I also don't use the "FWB" label to mean "booty call": we are friends first, the physical part is secondary, usually just for fun. My husband and I were open(-ish) for years before I developed feelings for one of my FWB's and we developed a committed romantic relationship.

I would have an issue with her disappearances- open relationships don't usually work unless every is actually OPEN, being upfront and honest about everything. Which also means being honest if you're not okay with the arrangement. Just because her desire is normal doesn't mean it's automatically going to work for you.

Emm 05-20-2012 04:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray (Post 136276)
I also don't use the "FWB" label to mean "booty call": we are friends first, the physical part is secondary, usually just for fun.

The girlfriend seems (as reported by the OP) to make a big deal about having no emotional relationship with her friend at all, which is why I'd classify it as more of a FB than a FWB relationship. Perhaps if she were to describe it in her own words it would be different.

corey 05-20-2012 04:51 AM

Thanks all for the responses

redpepper 05-20-2012 06:29 AM

Just because she has a friend with benefits (intimate friend), doesn't mean its okay for her to do whatever she wants. Open relationships need just as much negotiating as poly ones. The difference between poly and open is the sex component. Casual sex is more what open relationships are about than poly. Swinging isn't necessarily part of that.

Coming home at whatever hour when that is something she doesn't normally do would be alarming the first time and after that just down right inconsiderate if you've at least asked her to let you know she's okay. I think she might just be stringing you along. It might be that its time she get a job and support her self. At least then you would feel better about making decisions that are based on what is good for you. In the mean time, time to start talking about boundaries I think!

Tonberry 05-20-2012 07:11 PM

Yes, there are reasons to sleep with the same person, without it meaning you have feelings for them.

The more partners she has, the more chance that one of them has a STI or a STD, and safer sex or not, the higher the chance that she gets one (and possibly passes it onto you).
The more partners she has, the more times she has to go through the first reveal, reveal of herself (showing herself naked and vulnerable in front of someone for the first time) and reveal of the other person (will she like what she sees?)
With every new partner also comes a new way to have sex, and the first time is often mostly about fumbling as you learn each other's "Style". Having only one-night stands would mean never going past the fumbling stage with anyone, never having sex with someone who already knows what she likes and that she's comfortable with.

On top of that there is of course the fear that any stranger could be violent, crazy, obsessive, so once she has someone she trusts who can do the job, looking for a different person might seem like an unnecessary risk.

Does having the same partner over and over again increase the odds that she'll fall in love? Sure, although there is no way to predict that. But it reduces the odds she'll catch something, get physically hurt or even killed, have terrible experience after terrible experience, etc.

It's a choice that makes sense, so yes it is "normal" since that's what you asked. Preferring one night stands would also be "normal", it would just mean different priorities is all.

corey 05-20-2012 07:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redpepper (Post 136284)
I think she might just be stringing you along. It might be that its time she get a job and support her self. At least then you would feel better about making decisions that are based on what is good for you. In the mean time, time to start talking about boundaries I think!

I feel like she might be stringing me along too, and that is my biggest concern. I don't know how to test what we have between us.


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