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-   -   Need help explaining to hubby (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23785)

supportingmybestfriend 05-19-2012 08:07 PM

Need help explaining to hubby
Hi all. I was just wondering if any of you have experienced what I'm going through.

My best friend told me that her husband and her were going to pursue this. I love my friends and what they do is their business. Life contines on as normal.

My hubby however is not as open to accepting the idea. I kept telling him that whatever they do in their marriage is their business and it's not for us to judge.

We all had plans for tonight anyway to go see a band which we are keeping. My friends want to talk to him to ease any concerns or questions he may have.

I don't want to lose either my friendship or my marriage over this. Have any of you ever experienced this?? How did you go about it? Did the other person accept it or not let it bother them..

Thanks in advance!


redpepper 05-19-2012 08:37 PM

Good for you supporting you friend by braving coming to a forum about something that you yourself might not necessarily be interested in but to figure out how to be helpful and supportive. The world needs more friends like you! Will you be my friend too?! :)

Your husband has a common reaction and judgement. Its hard not to judge things we don't understand and that are not the norm. Truth is that poly dynamics are closer to the norm than ever before. Maybe the whole idea is threatening to him? Maybe he thinks their telling the two of you is in some way an attempt to pick up? Maybe he just plain feels uncomfortable knowing about other peoples relationship lives? Have you asked him any of these questions?

You are right, it isn't your business, but if you want to continue being close to them and nurturing a growing relationship then I would listen, ask questions about where they are at, button your lip when they stumble and fall and help them get up when they fall flat on their face. Embrace their differences. To me that is what friends are for.

Poly is not a lot different than a good friendship base with many people. Just as mono relationships are often based on a friendship foundation as well as a romantic one. We really aren't all that different, just more romantic love along with the friendship.

Maybe you should have a look around here. Get on the search engine and do a tag search for things that interest you? Maybe you're husband would too? At least you can be informative to him, and maybe informative to your friends. :)

Tonberry 05-20-2012 12:47 AM

I'm thinking your husband had a gut feeling based on preconceived notions. He'll need some time for it to settle down so that he can make up his own mind and his own feelings, and seeing your friends being happy should do that.
I'm not sure how you can help him specifically, I think he'll need to ask himself questions, such as what makes him uncomfortable, and how to rebuild his belief system if he decided to do so. By which I mean, if he thinks a poly relationship can't be a good, healthy, loving relationship, but he sees your friends in a good, healthy, loving relationship, he needs to come to terms with the fact that his premise was wrong, and that might be hard for him.

I wouldn't expect him to be fine with it right away if he had trouble with the idea at first. In my opinion, he just needs some time, and to see how he feels then.

NovemberRain 05-20-2012 03:30 AM

Maybe your husband is afraid he's not good enough, and that you'll see your friends doing this, and then you'll want it too, and then he'll lose you. I could imagine that.

supportingmybestfriend 05-20-2012 04:42 PM

Red Pepper, thanks! Of course I'll be your virtual friend! I appreciate all the support this forum has given me.

As for the night out my hubby did not attend. I was sad but also understanding and respectful of his decision. I hope in the near future he will be able to hang out and just remember that they are the same people they were before.

We all had a great time last night and it was great to talk with both of them.

Your advice was spot on. That's what friends do. Be there to listen, give advice, pick them up when they fall, etc..

As for him being insecure about me leaving we talked a long time yesterday before I headed out. He knows that I have no interest in every leaving him but I have to tell you it has brought a spark in me and I think in him too. :) All this talk, and with us it's just talk but it renewed something in us.

supportingmybestfriend :)

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