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Outthebox 05-18-2012 08:52 PM

Very New to This
I am a 54 year old male, been married 11 years. My wife Kathy, is open minded. We experimented with swinging years back and that has run its course. Recently, i met up with a lady, Rita, that i had lived with and dated when i was in my early 20's. We agreed to meet for a couple of drinks. I told my wife Kathy where I was going and with whom, she had no problem with it. When we met for drinks, we wound up staying out until well past midnight, just talking about our lives. I was instantly attracted to her, and the more we talked, the more i realized that I really loved her. I have seen her several times, and now am in love with her and want her to be in my life. We have been intimate 2 times and it was nothing short of fantastic, and leaving each other after being intimate was devastating. We both shared that we were in love with each other. I miss her so much when we are away. I did not tell my wife about the intimacy or each time i saw her and I feel badly about that. Well, my wife figured it out, and we discussed it. Now my wife asked me not to see Rita anymore, and she seems to have a 6th sense about it, because every time i see Rita, my wife calls with some type of urgent issue that requires me to leave. When this happens it leaves Rita hurt and me hurt.
I discussed polyamory with Rita and my wife. Rita was very open to the idea, and we discussed it in detail. When i discussed it with my wife, her response was "dont do this" She did not want to discuss it. When i told Rita of Kathys response, she shared with me that she now had some reservations. She believed that my wife would never agree to it, and she also said she did not want to share me with another woman, she would rather end our romantic relationship and remain friends. Which has happened, We are very good friends and talk daily, sometimes go to lunch and such, no kissing, no intimacy. We do tell each other we love each other.
Recently, Rita has become a little more open minded to the idea of a poly relationship and we have been discussing it. I have not broached the subject with my wife again. I wont give up on this, i know that Kathy is open minded enough, just jealousy has taken hold. And i bear the responsibility for that. I sneeked around, saw Rita, was intimate with Rita, and i feel like i damaged the possibility of the three of us being in a relationship.
I know this is long winded, and it is a tip of the iceberg, there is so much to this. I want to learn about other poly relationships, and meet people in poly relationships. I am not interested in meeting anyone else to begin yet another relationship. I am in love with two wonderful beautiful women. It is not polyamorus relationships that attract me, it is my total love for these two women. A poly relationship is the only thing that makes sense.

nycindie 05-19-2012 07:12 PM

You did more than just damage the "possibility of the three of you being in a relationship." You damaged any trust Kathy had in you, and you damaged the respect you had for her. That violation is much much heavier and deeper to consider than whether or not you'll be able to be with both of them simultaneously.

Opening an existing monogamous relationship up to becoming a polyamorous one only works when it has a strong foundation of trust and respect. You can't fix a broken relationship and the heartache you caused by somehow convincing your wife to sanction your fooling around by calling it poly.

Your work begins with repairing the damage you did to your marriage and how badly you hurt your wife with your betrayal. I would consider this quite an urgent need if I were you. Cheating is not poly. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and "hurt" about Kathy not being willing to put up with you pursuing anything more with Rita - jeez, you could have been open and honest from the start but you chose to lie and cheat. You can't expect to treat the woman you claim to love so disrespectfully without there being consequences for your actions.

I think you and Kathy need to get back on track and discuss your heartfelt feelings and what you want for your marriage, and perhaps therapy is the way to go. Stop seeing Rita, even as "just friends." Seeing her will only make things worse. It really is rather audacious and ballsy for a mistress on the side to say she can't share her boyfriend who is cheating on his spouse, but at least Rita is right in saying that since she doesn't want to share you that it should end.

kdt26417 05-19-2012 08:37 PM

Hi Outthebox,
Welcome to our forum.

It's really true that you have to have a foundation of honesty and trust, to build any poly relationship on. There may come a time later on when it's okay to see Rita, but not until Kathy has healed from this past indiscretion and has good reason to know you'll tell her the truth from now on. So concentrate on your marriage right now, and let Rita know this is something you need to do.

I'm sure you'll be able to learn a lot about other poly relationships on these boards. Don't hesitate to air any thoughts, questions, or concerns you may have.

You are in a difficult emotional position and will have to put your own feelings aside for awhile. I know it sucks, but just try to be at peace with it. Your marriage is your #1 priority. Make a resolution to be 100% honest with your wife at all times from now on.

I'm glad you have joined us.
Kevin T.

Outthebox 05-20-2012 03:10 PM

different issues
I shared all with Kathy. All in all, she is very understanding, except she did not understand my feeling the need to keep certain aspects of my relationship with Rita secrete. Kathy acknowledged that she was aware that I had been intimate with Rita, but chose not to want to talk about any details, including how many times. Kathy harbors no animosity in this and we are OK.
Kathy now wants to meet Rita. No preconceived ideas of what is to take place.
I did notice in reading this forum, several of the poly relationships seem to be a situation where the spouse is more of a primary, and the other lover seems to be secondary. In other words, the husband and wife spend most of the time together, and spend a day or two a week with the lover. This does not seem to be a fair situation, my vision is to be able to spend near equal time with each alone, but most of the time all 3 of us doing things together, eating dinner, going to movies, out in the boat, traveling, entertaining at home, ectů If this could be worked out, I think I would need to have two homes close to each other or a home large enough to afford privacy. I know my relationships are not at this point now, and may never get there, but I want to understand how this could work.

newpoly1stwife 05-20-2012 06:07 PM

As a primary whois going through this, I felt like you were writing my story except that the other is not willing to stop and be just friends, she wants him to herself and is actively pursuing him...anyways back to topic. Be there for you wife. Let her know/feel how much you love her. Understand the meeting will be hard on her regardless of the impression he puts off at the time. After the meeting. Be present for your wife, don't run of to support Rita. Your wife may be fine or appear to be and then something may trigger and she will need understanding not anger or isolation. If at anytime she is not comfortable or ready let her back out and don't get frustrated or mad. Never allow Rita or any other secondary talk down to your wife, stick up for her, if they start to or she feels like they are. Since she has expressed non approval at the beginning but is willing to meet now doesn't guarantee se won't have a ton of emotions later.
In my case hearing that my husband loves her and feels like he is getting his heart torn in 2 is harder than knowing they had sex.

Best of luck and hope to hear a good outcome for all

newpoly1stwife 05-20-2012 06:13 PM

I forgot in regards to equal time and community meals activities etc, don't push it if your wife is not ready. Having Rita in your home may be too much for her. Having rita in her kitchen using her utensils, especially right off the back, is a tremendous amount to ask.

First see how the meeting goes, hopefully its in a public place that is not a special placee to you and your wife. She how she deals with that and you paying the bill for Rita.
I know some of these sound trivial but they are concerns I had and have heard from others while doing research

Outthebox 05-20-2012 07:23 PM

Newpoly1stwife, thanks so much for your thoughts. My intention is to move very slowly and carefully with this, Kathy and I are leaving to go on vacation Friday, for a week or so and will be out of town, Rita is also going out of town (not with us). It will be about 2 weeks at least before Kathy and Rita can meet, unless we get together within the next 4 days. I think waiting until we get back can hurt nothing. It will give me more time to talk to Kathy and understand her feelings on it. We are nowhere close to discussing how time is divided. I am not sure if a poly relationship is a possibility at all with Kathy or Rita. I think Rita is more open to it than Kathy. I do not want to create problems between my wife and I, I truly love her and we have accomplished a lot together. I am also in love with Rita, i feel she is truly a soul mate to me. I cannot imagine my life without both, Kathy and Rita. I realize that a poly relationship between the three of us my not happen, and I will deal with that of need be.

kdt26417 05-21-2012 01:10 AM

Sounds like things have gotten a little better. I hope you'll keep the communication going with you and your wife, and let Rita know what the status is as well.

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