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-   -   Hello - from the 1st wife aka Original (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23737)

newpoly1stwife 05-18-2012 01:22 AM

Hello - from the 1st wife aka Original
I am Jenn, and my husband and I recently made the decision to live a poly life. He has had many affairs in t past yet was never receptive of having an open relationship until recently. He has a girlfriend, who I recently met. I am having some jealousy issues surrounding my fear of abandonment. Their lack of concern and respect for my feelings right now is causing some concerns for me. They were already in the affair when the decision was made to do this. I have been very accommodating in trying to help and allow them to build a base for their relationship, even allowing him to divide time between our home and family and her home.

I am here looking for suggestions on how to make this a successful choice, although I know it will require them as well. Also possibly some ways to approach having different boundaries that will be respected.

dingedheart 05-18-2012 01:53 PM

Hi and welcome,

How long have you been married? how many kids.

Have you gotten any counseling for the cheating and affairs?

Have you express how hurtful their lack concern for your feelings is to you.

Are you looking forward and planning to find other partners?

freyamarie 05-18-2012 02:39 PM

There is a ton of reading available to you here. Welcome and I hope that you find the answers you seek.

I think the first requirement you will need to make this work is to heal the wounds already present from hubbys past cheating. That will require both of you being willing to do the work and be completely honest with each other. I certainly don't know you or your situation so please don't be offended but I am already worried for you. I wonder if you are truly open to poly or if this is the way you can feel like you will be kept in the loop by your hubs. Like I said, please forgive me if I am way off base. I'd just really love to come here one day and read that you and hubby now have excellent communication and trust has been re-established and that your lives are going swimmingly.

newpoly1stwife 05-18-2012 02:39 PM

Hello and thank you

We have been married for 18 years and have 3 children. I was 19 when we married.

We have done counseling a few times over the years but never made it past 3 sessions as he always says they just tell him its all his fault and I do nothing wrong. Although that has never really happened and the last time (about 8 years ago) the 3 weeks were filled with homework that was more specific to me and negativity issues I was having. Although he did agree last night to go again.

Yes I did last night again as a matter of a fact. She began screaming at me because I was breaking the rules by contacting him during her time. The rule was he had to be available for contact and was not allowed to turn his phone off when he was staying at her house. I know this current relationship is not going to work, I have found her to be manipulative and she tells me things to make me feel bad and create doubt in not only my worth but in my relationship. When he gets home today we are going to have a deep heart to heart and I am going to let him know that she is not right for our mix. If she was truly interested in helping him grow, she would listen to him and help him work through things and look at the bigger picture instead of taking a small gripe he has and picking at it until it is a large oozing life threatening hole. She has no interest in being respectful to my concerns. I as the only one who made any concessions in the arrangements.

I had considered it, right now I dont want an additional relationship. I have to much other things in life that require my attention.

newpoly1stwife 05-18-2012 02:46 PM

I take no offense, I agree we need to heal things. I was actually the first to bring up the idea years ago, but he was never very receptive. I am open to an honest poly, although this current situation definitely turned into one I quickly became uncomfortable with. I did not know there were ground rules and boundaries I could set. And once I did she because very possessive and unwilling to agree to anything less than 2 consecutive days (at least she really pushed for more) with me not contacting them at all during those days.

dingedheart 05-18-2012 02:53 PM

How was this decided.....after his being caught again? How are the children handling the time split issue ...not to mention the whole poly thing?

newpoly1stwife 05-18-2012 03:12 PM

I had a feeling he was cheating a few weeks ago, but then thought it was my insecurity and stress (I was just finishing a hard semester in my career program) After we discussed it and decided it was something we wanted to explore I asked so whats your girlfriends name, and it was the one I thought he was cheating with a few weeks ago. The kids think he is on a photoshoot out of town, he is a photographer. If they think anything different they have not said and thats one thing I can count on with them is they tell me just about everything, especially our 10 yo. Honestly we havent discussed it with them as everything moved so quickly.

The more I have been researching I think what she presented to him as poly is different from what is the case and thats why she is being so resistent with meeting and setting boundaries. Her attitude yesterday was been the only changes can be in her favor.
I know it seems like I am defending him and blaming her solely, I am not he is at fault too, he could have chose to answer his phone when I called. He could have chose to discuss this with me even when it made her mad. He could have chosen to not have an affair. We are actually all at fault, I should have researched more as well because what I had believed was poly is different as well, however the honesty and communication of all involved was not. I should not have agreed to things I was not completely comfortable with, while I was trying to make them happy.

I do want an open poly, but I also know right now is not the right time and this woman is not the right woman. I plan on sticking around the board and learning more as there were many excellent relationship suggestions from people who have lived it, not just some person who has never been married who has written some rules and had a good publisher.

freyamarie 05-18-2012 03:35 PM

Good for you for being proactive!
Be prepared for his being resistant to letting her go. She is apparently already very possessive and manipulating. This is not going to be easy...but you know that.

One of the worst detriments to poly (in my over inflated personal opinion) is people who proudly proclaim the label but don't really do any research or self education about what poly really is.( I am not casting judgement as I have had my own personal humbling as I started out on this life). If the girlfriend is calling herself poly yet acting as you have described...then she fits into the above category.
I applaud you for searching for more information. Perhaps your hubby would be willing to do some reading or be open to attending some sort of poly gathering? Having some form of support is always a great idea.
It is sad that open honest communication isn't the foundation of the new relationship. She sounds like a cowgirl....another new word that I first heard of here on this board.

Good luck.

newpoly1stwife 05-18-2012 03:47 PM

lol I love the term. When he gets home tonight after I talk I am going to show him all the information I found and the way it really is. I think once he sees how it is supposed to be and its him and I talking not the 3 of us then he may get some of what I have been saying and asking the past few days. She has not allowed him and I to have any significant alone time since I met her the other day. Until yesterday I was dealing with everything myself, I found a local friend who is in an open relationship (I never knew and have known her and her husband for years) we went and had tea and talked about it. As I said the words, not just wrote them, I began to see things clearly. I understood how I needed to change it.

CielDuMatin 05-18-2012 04:09 PM


Originally Posted by newpoly1stwife (Post 136111)
We have done counseling a few times over the years but never made it past 3 sessions as he always says they just tell him its all his fault and I do nothing wrong. Although that has never really happened.

If he is hearing this and the therapist isn't saying it, then it's his own internal voice that is telling him this.

If he is cheating on you by having a relationship with someone that you know nothing about and haven't agreed to then in my opinion is IT all his actions which are to blame for the cheating. Now, he may have reasons to cheat - a rough relationship, etc - but his decision to do something outside of your relationship agreement is 100% his - nobody forced him into it. I have no patience for the line "I had no choice but to cheat" - that's utter crap.

If you and he have issues in your relationship, and it really sounds like you do, then this is the absolute worst time to be exploring poly. If, in addition, he has a cowgirl chasing him down, then all that's going to do is make your and his relationship even more strained and more difficult to get back on track... it's sounding like this is already happening - it's not in her interests to make this work - she wants him for herself (assuming she really is a cowgirl, that is).

For me, an important part of poly is that each person have a great deal of respect for the other relationships in the configuration. It can't work if that isn't there.

It sounds like thing are completely out of control in your life and relationship, and it really urgently needs to be brought back under control before you can start complicating it with others.

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