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-   -   The Beginning. The end. Somewhere in between. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23734)

SLJ 05-17-2012 08:39 PM

The Beginning. The end. Somewhere in between.
 
Spoke to my sister about myself. She seemed understanding. More so than I give her credit for. She gave me her thoughts and ideas about the way I'm choosing to now live. She also gave some insights to speak with my husband. I briefly spoke to him and he seemed to understand what I needed.

So being from such a small community now that I've explained to the important people in my life. My husband wants to know "now what"? Now? Now, I'm not sure. I just wanted my feelings known, but now?

All these questions he's asking and I really don't have the answers for him. Am I now going to be actively looking for a third? Well, I don't know. So many questions and not enough answers. Maybe the morning will bring some perspective. :confused:

As im lying here thinking about everything I've told my loved ones I'm wondering if they still understand? Am I overthinking?

SLJ 05-20-2012 10:07 PM

What now?
 
ok, now starting my new life, it has been a challenge for me to start to meet new people. I am a very anti-social person but I 'm working on finding a way to overcome my fear and have small talk with strangers. Let me put it this way, I have the same friends since pre-school.

When I decided that I would have a deep discussion about polyamorous, we both decided on ground rules. In fact it wasn't all that intense, not what I thought it would be, not painful to talk about it at all. At first I was nervous, trying to tell him what I wanted and the do's and don'ts on who we would allow into our lives. It was easy, we established the rules in no time.

So my sister and I tried to experiment on small talk, even went to the grocery store to spark any conversation. But I think for me it was more of a question of why anyone would want to start small talk. When a person asks me "How are you today?" I just want to say "why, do you really want to know?" LOL So I don't know how to even approach a person and ask them irrelevant questions that really don't matter that much to me.

I have my rules laid out and now I need to create a way to have small talk, any suggestions? I know, I know now I sound rigid and uptight. I just don't want to be....hmmmm

nycindie 05-20-2012 11:08 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by SLJ (Post 136355)
...I think for me it was more of a question of why anyone would want to start small talk. When a person asks me "How are you today?" I just want to say "why, do you really want to know?" LOL So I don't know how to even approach a person and ask them irrelevant questions that really don't matter that much to me.

Small talk is usually more than just a "Hi, how are you?" - although that sometimes works too. But I think making small talk is about finding a way to connect with someone about something that interests you about them or you might have in common. I start up conversations with strangers all the time, and I am also pretty much an introvert. But, when I "see something, I say something." As a lame example, if there is someone in the grocery store standing in front of an item for a while, I will just cheerfully tease them with, "You better make the right decision." They either laugh or ask me what I think. I often compliment people on something they're wearing - "Love those glasses!" "What a great raincoat," or ask them about a book they're reading.

I've dated guys I met in the laundromat, in the subway, and even just window-shopping on the street -- yes, I picked up a guy in the street -- just because I let them see me checking them out or I made some innocuous comment. The guy I met in the subway was carrying a knife-roll, and I knew what it was because I had worked in the restaurant industry for years, so I just blurted out to him, "Hey, are you a chef?" and he said, "Yeah! How did you know?" He was surprised, and I said, "I see you're carrying a knife-roll," so he laughed and we talked about where he worked, good places to eat, the industry, etc., and then wound up dating.

Starbuck's is a great place to talk to people, because people sit for hours and are generally open to schmoozing. You can usually just smile at someone and talk. I once had a very romantic kiss under an umbrella in a downpour from a French guy I had just met in the Starbuck's around the corner from me. You can ask someone if they're finished with their paper when they put it down and ask them if there's anything good in it. Or comment on something happening outside the window. Anything, really. Most people crave connection.

SLJ 05-20-2012 11:23 PM

maybe that skill is just not in me? I tried some small talk today...it was interesting...lol. i'm so anti social I just don't know. That innate ability is just beyond me. How do I get the courage to just walk up to someone? Geez...where is my courage?

NDNIRISH 05-21-2012 05:07 AM

When I'm gonna approach some one I'd like to talk with, I find it easier if they give me a lot of eye contact. That way I know they r already interested in me and I don't have to fight for there attention. Usually I compliment her on an ear ring she wearing and ask where she got them and ask of she noticed that they really bring out her eyes. But I'm a guy and ur a girl so u could ask about my gauged ear ( how long it took for me to get it the my current gauge, example some people can't tolerate pain as much as others, it took a friend three days to go from a 12 to 0 and it took me 4 hours.) also I think ur so luck to have found a spouse who loves u enuff to make this coming out for u easy. Im sure he understands everything very well and is willing to embrace this new life style with loving arms. Good luck out there.

NovemberRain 05-21-2012 05:34 AM

Maybe small talk isn't your cup of tea. How about MeetUp? You can find a group of people, already interested in something that interests you. Show up at their events. They'll likely ask you questions.

No MeetUps in your area? Start one. You can pick a topic, or not; and set a meeting for folks to eat at a restaurant together.

Speed-dating? You have a number of minutes to talk to the people that come by. You don't HAVE to date anyone, just practice talking to interested/interesting strangers in a short amount of time.

You can also practice small talk on the internets, a little. It's not the same, but it's a start. Join a forum (oh, you're here:), join a different forum, find one that interests you but you have never participated in. Ask them stuff. Astrology, there ya go.
http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Small-Talk

Also, know that people love to talk about themselves. Just because your gut-reaction is to say 'why would you ask?' doesn't mean it's everyone's. You will be amazed at what people will tell you if you ask.

SLJ 05-21-2012 11:52 AM

I did it...well sort of.
 
Thanks for the advice, everyone.

Well I put together a BBQ for some friends I was comfortable with and a few I'm not so familiar with. I did ok. Not to say I'm now a genius at his, but my hubs is helping me along. Giving me pointers and looking a little perplexed because we met pretty smoothly.

I don't know how this happened. When dd I become the anti social girl? Gotta say though I'm doing better each time. I did ask someone for pointers on working out and how use a machine. Then got a little back story on their life....hmmmm not so bad after all.

I'm going camping this weekend so if we see campers I'll attempt to chit chat. I feel good....I'm progressing.

newtoday 05-21-2012 12:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 136362)
But, when I "see something, I say something." As a lame example, if there is someone in the grocery store standing in front of an item for a while, I will just cheerfully tease them with, "You better make the right decision." They either laugh or ask me what I think. I often compliment people on something they're wearing - "Love those glasses!" "What a great raincoat," or ask them about a book they're reading.

Nycindie, what great advice! Not a lame example at all! I've often wondered how to strike up conversation in the famous Produce Aisle of the grocery store! I can be rather introverted socially, unless it's a business function where I'm in my element and I let my Type A business executive personality shine through. Otherwise, someone smiles at me across a pile of Apples, I smile back and scurry away. Lol.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nycindie (Post 136362)
Most people crave connection.

You are absolutely right! We do crave it. It's a basic human requirement.


SLJ, some great advice on here! Good luck camping! I'm sure you'll do great!

SLJ 05-22-2012 12:38 AM

Small Talk
 
Well I did some small talk today. Earlier than I planned but I guess the best laid plans and all that other stuff :)

I made eye contact because I too would have make the eye contact and smiled in the past and scurried away. But this time I made the eye contact, I smiled and i waited. and wow, it worked, he stopped by me and asked me about some veggies and what best goes with what. Sadly I had to tell him Im not much of a cook, but what I do cook is edible...lol...but he laughed and joked with me for a while. it was fun :) Scary but fun. I still need more work but I did ok for having no wing man/woman with me. So proud I did it all on my own.

Now...I guess I keep trying. Gotta do what I can and when my anxiety rushes toward me or I try to "run" I just have to breathe and smile :) lol...we'll see what new adventure tomorrow brings me.

NDNIRISH 05-22-2012 05:21 AM

Wow that is a big improvement SLJ! :) glad to hear ur taking this one so well. Let us know how the camping trip goes.


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