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Kella 05-17-2012 09:43 AM

Lurker No More
I've been lurking here for a while but tonight I just feel the need to say hello.

About four years ago, I found out that my best friend is poly. I was blown away. I didn't know there was such a thing as polyamory, and I'd been feeling so guilty over various attractions and longings outside my marriage, thinking there was something wrong with me for having other feelings when I love my husband (I'll call him RugbyMan) so much. Suddenly my best friend and her husband were telling me that this is normal and okay, that I'm not messed up. RugbyMan seemed to think this was cool the night we found out (we'd all been drinking) but the next morning that was all gone and no, poly was not going to be an option for us.

I've tried talking to him about it again a couple of times over the last four years but every time it's no, and squick, and if you love me why would you need to get it on with someone else, and our marriage would be over if that happened, and let's not talk about it. So that's that.

So I feel poly and everything I have read about it feels so right. And I can live with sexual monogamy obviously (been with RugbyMan 16 years now), but I can't help the emotional connections and achy thoughts and longings that just seem to happen, and the horrible guilt and pain that comes with that. I'm not strong enough or unselfish enough to abandon a friendship when it shifts into something deeper for me, so I just hide my feelings from everyone and swing between secret rapture at any contact with my friend-crush and horror at what's going on inside me.

My best friend tells me I'm normal and okay, and reading this forum helps too, but it's still hard.

Kella :(

PS. I have always been totally into reading Robert Heinlein, Anne McCaffrey, Jacqueline Carey... Shane by Jack Schaefer was one of my favourite books way back in high school. I never understood why until this whole poly thing hit me...

ImaginaryIllusion 05-17-2012 01:10 PM

Welcome to the Forum.

Hopefully you'll find something around here to help you find home peace and harmony in your life.

somethingmissingnow 05-17-2012 08:37 PM

I know how you feel!!
Wow Lurker I am in basically the same position as you. Mine is fresh and just found out that my Best Friend is going to try this. There is a lot to wrap my head around.. Something that I am not familiar with but will always be loving and supportive..

I wish you much luck and will continue to follow the threads here for guidance and just hope that everyone finds what they are looking for..

Good luck!!

CielDuMatin 05-17-2012 09:52 PM

It is an extremely tough situation to be in - that point when you realise that the solemn vows that you gave your partner (i.e. to be monogamous, forsaking all others) just isn't the way you feel any more.

There are some folks who are lucky enough to have a partner who, when the bring up the subject, is willing and able to deal with it - the marriage vows and contract is "renegotiated". There are, however, quite a few marriages that fail because their partners don't want to embrace poly and the poly person sees loving more than one as something that they can not or are not willing to put aside.

I wish you luck.

wildflowers 05-17-2012 11:32 PM

Welcome. Hopefully reading here will at least help you to feel less guilty about your feelings, and to take some comfort from that. Good luck!

Kella 05-18-2012 07:42 AM

Thank you all so much! It is so nice to feel welcome here. xox


kdt26417 05-19-2012 06:46 PM

Hi Kella,

I am late piping up here, but I wanted to welcome you to our forum. I'm sorry to hear that your husband hasn't taken the news well. Sometimes the monogamous conditioning is just too strong. He probably feels threatened by polyamory, assuming he'd be replaced if anyone else came into your life.

For the moment, it looks like it will be challenging enough for you, just trying not to feel guilty about feelings you may have for other people. Even if I was a monogamy-only type of guy, I would still tell you that feelings aren't always something you can choose; it's your actions that you have control over. So take some time to figure out what you really want in your life, and if this is a dealbreaker for you.

You should be able to get a lot of emotional support on these boards. I'm glad you're with us.

Kevin T.

supportingmybestfriend 05-19-2012 07:03 PM

Hey Kella
I have to agree with Kevin here. You shouldn't feel guilty about how you are feeling. It's what you choose to do with your feelings. You did talk about it with your husband and he basically put the kabosh on it. At least you were honest and didn't stray from the relationship. We are all human. You can't control what you feel sometimes. There's different types of feelings too. You can have the sexual attraction from the beginning but find that the person just not satisfy you intellectually or emotionally or you can start out not feeling a sexual attraction but after spending time with the person it can turn into that. This forum has been great for me as I hope it will be for you. We can all learn from each other and as I like to say "hope and cope"

Good luck and look forward to further posts and updates!



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