Polyamory.com Forum

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-   -   New...Hi everyone. (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23711)

SLJ 05-16-2012 09:58 PM

New...Hi everyone.
Nervous. Don't really know what to say. I come from a very small town and being poly isn't the best way to live my life here. My family and friends all live here though. I haven't met anyone with the similar views of relationships as me. When I tried speaking "hypothetically" with my sister, I got this judgement look and what would people say speech since everyone knows everyone. She pretended she understood but she basically told me that would make me a whore. I've been conflicted for awhile and never thought to find support online but I hope I can find someone to talk to who understands and find some way to also tell my husband. I've felt this wat about relationships all my life but fell in with what my family considers morrally right and just basically did what they did. I don't understand jealousy in a relationship because love should be unconditional right? I just need....something?

CielDuMatin 05-17-2012 09:31 PM

Hi SLJ, and welcome to the forum.

There are a surprisingly large number of poly folks who are "out in the sticks" and don't live in or close to major cities. The area where I live is pretty conservative (considering it's not the deep south) and I am most certainly not "out" to many folks, including most of our families. Of the few friends that I have spoken to, most were pretty uncomfortable - one couple has sort of come around to the idea, which was pretty cool.

I guess my point is - you're not alone!

Time to make some new friends - this forum is a great place to start. I notice that you don't give us an idea of which part of which country you live in, but there's a chance that there is a poly group somewhere fairly close-by. If you feel comfortable doing so, then by all means post your approximate location, and one of us can search, or you can google something like "local polyamory group".

I think that most will advise you that the opinions of most of the other folks around you shouldn't matter anywhere near as much as the relationship with your husband. Most of the major work that poly folk need to do is to try to make their current partner (who usually agreed to a monogamous relationship) that you want this to change. It has to be a slow process - and much better to do it early, when there's less of a feeling of urgency, than when it is something that is driving you crazy.

Anyway, good luck - I hope this forum helps you on your search for answers....

kdt26417 05-19-2012 06:34 PM

Hello SLJ,

I'm a little late to the table here, but I still wanted to welcome you to our forum.

I think you are still doing some introspection, trying to find out what it is you are looking for. Polyamory.com is a good place for you to be because you can do so much reading here (and posting any questions you may have). It will help you get things figured out.

Polyamory is unfortunately not always met with understanding by the family/friends you try to come out to. FWIW, I'd say that no, being poly doesn't make you a "whore." People just aren't raised/taught to understand non-monogamy. They're taught to fear it.

Hopefully you can find a little of what you're looking for on our site.

Kevin T.

SLJ 05-20-2012 02:02 AM

thank you
Thankyou. Well I am checking the site out and reading different blogs and just working my way around. Helps that I can relate to some posts. But I'm hopeful.Now the next step for me is applying the "change" to my life.

kdt26417 05-21-2012 12:58 AM

Applying change to one's life is always a big challenge, and poly is a huge change. I wish you the very best in your journey; it will take some time, so be patient.


AlanAnna 05-24-2012 11:07 PM

Welcome welcome!

If there's one thing we've found in our years in the poly community it's that it exists everywhere and in every form. Hopefully you can find a place within your current community that satisfies you . . . at least maybe until circumstances take you elsewhere. :) But participating in a wider community (online and otherwise) definitely helps -- and helps you decide what's most important to you.

Alan and Anna

lenrep 05-27-2012 02:09 PM

new here to
i am like you in many ways from a small town and family values in the way. I am male but i feel i have enough love to share with more than one person and i feel trapped when in a monogamous relationship. Why i am 47 and still single. I dont feel i would love one more or less than the other but i need more than one person to share my life with. sorry if i said anything wrong all new to me

PinkDragon 05-27-2012 10:40 PM

I also live in a small town. It's about an hour east of Dallas. Bear, my husband, owns a business in our little burg; so while I'm out to my close friends about what we're doing, he's only out to a couple of his close friends. The only blood family members that know are my sister and BIL. No one else in either of our families would take our lifestyle change well. At all.

I figure that at some point someone might notice something that seems.... off(?) to them about our family life, but we'll deal with that if/when it ever occurs.

laughingowl 05-28-2012 06:19 AM


While new to the forums here also, hopefully you can find some advice and friends.

That being said you might be surprised how many others are like you 'the neighbors wouldn't understand' so keep it behind closed door.

Haven't seen any statistics, but personally would be willing to bet, as many (or more) Poly's are 'in the closet' as LGBTs.

As others have mentioned the really important one that matters, is your significant other (if any don't see it mentioned in your post).

Also personal pet Pevee of mine... you are only a Whore if you charge for sex....

That being said, look online, you can find lots of places to talk to others, and help you understand how you feel, and if it is what you want. If you want to go further, that are quiet a few groups around the country world, and as mentioned you likely can find one somewhere near you.

Good luck and hope everyone here can help with advice and make you feel welcome.

Phillychick 05-29-2012 10:13 PM


I'm new here too and finding this site really helpful. I never really knew anything about polys until my wife had the courage to bring it up to me. I was pretty caught off guard, but the more I've been reading, the more I realize that this could be something that helps us maintain our relationship for the long haul, rather than being the beginning of the end. The first thing she shared with me was a NY Times interview with Dan Savage - it was a good way to open the conversation in a non-threatening way, since the article really emphasized a lot of myths about open relationships and why they're wrong. I hope you find what you're looking for here and find a way to reach out to your husband.

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