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-   -   "Just friends" (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23673)

CheesyLady 05-15-2012 03:08 AM

"Just friends"
 
Ok, so I tried doing a search on friends with benefits and didn't seem to quite find what I was looking for.

So, having gone through a divorce last fall, the idea of having a friend to spend the night with without a relationship was very appealing. I'd been reading the book, Ethical Slut, and I found someone that spoke the same language it seemed to be. He was also just out of a long relationship that ended badly. She had cheated on him. He used to be controlling, so he went from that to, "you can do whatever you want" it seems.

We've been together twice. The second time when I was at his house during the day the day after, he mentioned something about I would have a date to go somewhere. It took a little bit, but I realized with horror that I really didn't want to see anyone else.

If you know my background, you may agree that the universe was playing some cruel trick on me.

Anyway, he went a week without responding to a couple of text messages and an invitation on Facebook. Then he wants to know when I'm coming back into his area (he's a couple of hours away), but I don't really want to have that connection and then not hear from him for a week. We're both very busy people, but why go a week without any contact and then in a short conversation ask me what my plans are twice, and if I'm back in town?

It's all been very confusing. He's excited to have me come around and tells me he has fun when I'm about to leave, but then there's not much contact in between. I'm personally not a big fan of that, and if anything I think myself in the polyamory range vs. the Ethical Slut category.

Thought you guys would have more experience with this kind of a thing and am looking forward to hearing your comments on this!

Anneintherain 05-15-2012 08:11 AM

Hi there - I remember you posting but don't quite remember the history.

My take on this is he would like to be friends with benefits, and have sex when it is convenient to both of you, but not really be "friends" or "dating". If somebody wont respond to texts but messages me when they want to know when we could get together I would just consider it that they wanted casual sex. Not that they didn't like me, but that they didn't care for me and my well-being ahead of their penis.

If I realized I wanted more than that, I'd discuss it with them, if their words or behavior kept supporting they were looking for convenience but not an actual relationship (be it friends with benefits or romantic), I'd not waste my time unless that was what I wanted from the relationship too.

dingedheart 05-15-2012 05:00 PM

Cheesylady ...long time no hear.:)

So in your ethical slut conversations could he have gotten the wrong idea? Or could you have set up a different expectation from one you actually wanted?

Cosmic pay back ....god I hate when that happens :(

Any contact with the EX.. Mr. Cheese...did things end on good terms.

AutumnalTone 05-15-2012 09:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CheesyLady (Post 135853)
Anyway, he went a week without responding to a couple of text messages and an invitation on Facebook. Then he wants to know when I'm coming back into his area (he's a couple of hours away), but I don't really want to have that connection and then not hear from him for a week. We're both very busy people, but why go a week without any contact and then in a short conversation ask me what my plans are twice, and if I'm back in town?

You, dear lady, are a booty call for him.

CheesyLady 05-16-2012 05:17 PM

I think anneintherain nailed it on the head. I thought we were in the friends with benefits arena, but its really just benefits and not really a very good friend.

DH, I don't hink there was a misunderstanding. I knew he didn't want a relationship, and I was convinced I didn't want one either. That what the agreement was. Then I realized what I wantedchanged on me rather rapidly and in trying to figure out what to do about it I ended up back on here. :confused:

Mr C...oh man. No contact. Divorce finalized in early february and just last week I got an email that he forgives me everything, wishes me to be happy and please not try to contact him in the future. The only contact up until then was functional anyway, finishing the papers for the divorce, real estate agent, etc. No calls of how are you or anything, but whatever. I figured out all he as about was control, and basically since I thought for myself he couldn't control me and out I went. It will be interesting for him when he realizes that he can no longer blame me for his unhappiness what will happen to him...

River 05-16-2012 10:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CheesyLady (Post 135965)
I think anneintherain nailed it on the head. I thought we were in the friends with benefits arena, but its really just benefits and not really a very good friend.

Sadly, the phrase, "friends with benefits" isn't really used to mean what it says. I'd rather that it did, personally, since friendship is the bare minimum of involvement and commitment required for me to slip under the sheets with someone. A friendship can be rather loosely tied, or much closer, with varying amounts of time spent together, and it's still a friendship. But friends actually DO care for and about one another, and that's the bare minimum required for me to get turned on and want to do something about it.

The word "friend" has taken a beating in this way and in others. Consider what a "friend" is on Facebook (aka, Fakebook). And I think it's more than a little okay to be "snooty" about the word, and to demand that it be used in a dignified way. Things matter. People matter. Nihilism sucks.

Jericka 05-17-2012 01:28 AM

Maybe communication styles are causing part of the problem?

I tend to dislike phone call, but love texts, emails, instant messages, sending and receiving links to interesting things, etc.

My Love and I communicate in much the same fashion. He and I text or instant message all the time, but, don't do phone calls except extreeeeeemely rarely. I have been seeing him for over a year and we have talked on the phone maybe twice. His wife and I communicate a bit less often, but always In text form, and never phone calls. I get to see him in person about once or twice,a week, and I get some weekends. This works, really well, for us. It might be nice if I were closer and could se him even more often, but this functions and functions well.

I also have a friend with benefits. This relationship is currently being worked on or possibly evaluated to see if it is going to live on in it's current form or not. He likes phone conversations better than text ones, but they still tend to be short and more about arranging a meet....and his texts tend to be closed ended, and don't invite further conversation. I find him much harder to connect with. The harder to connect thing is a problem, for me, because I tend to get more attracted the more I connect...and I get less interested if I don't feel a connection. I can try to start something physical and usually get more into it as I go? But....is that really what I want? How hard should I work at this relationship?

I know the slow fade is a nearly unanimously hated thing, but, we talk past each other when we talk about the communication thing. I have said I need more contact, more daily stuff, but what I get is a flattering good night text that is nice? I suppose? But doesn't really invite a conversation, and the conversation is what I really need. I have also noticed and brought up the fact that our assumptions are so very different that we should absolutely not assume we understand. It's hard to clarify that, but, it's hard not to make a few assumptions once in a while and we are nearly always spectacularly wrong when we do. Really amazingly wrong to the point where I am always coming back to a couple of instances where he or I assumed something, and the result was painful.

And writing that makes me think that it really is over and I just haven't faced it yet. Ick.


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