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-   -   Not feeling like poly? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23629)

cutepilots 05-13-2012 02:37 AM

Not feeling like poly?
Am I being too jealous or overreacting when my husband thinks it's ok to rub oil on our friends naked body when her husband is not involved and would be very upset if finding out?? If its not all consenting, that it's not poly. My husband thinks intimatacy only involves intercourse. I feel it it is a warm embrace with a long kiss and rubbing oil on a naked body. What's right? SHould I let them make their own decisions? She does like me too, but I chose not to get involved. He did agree to not touch while naked (we are nudists).

Hubby and I have been married for 10 yrs. 8 of them fun swinging years. We found it much more fulfilling to be in intimate friendships involving sex. and thus our pursuit for a poly relationship.

Please let me know your thoughts. In the past I have not been jealous as long as everything is consentual. I now do not trust my friend's intentions if she can lie to her husband about her trying to find intimacy over at our house.

Any thought will be greatly appreciated. thx :)

drtalon 05-13-2012 01:56 PM

It sounds like he broke an agreement with you (no touching while naked) and that's what's most important here in my opinion.


I now do not trust my friend's intentions if she can lie to her husband about her trying to find intimacy over at our house.
Does your partner know about your concerns now? Do you think this makes only her less trustworthy, or does it makes your partner less trustworthy, too? He seems to be complicit in her lying, after all.

If her husband would probably be upset, then it's probably cheating, regardless of how your partner has tried to justify it.

The rightness or wrongness of "enabling" cheating is a complicated ethical debate in the non-monogamy community. My personal experience is that polyfolk are more likely to think enabling cheating is wrong. Some people take the position that it's not their relationships and so not their responsibility. Personally, I wouldn't knowingly enable cheating.

Some threads to consider: Honesty in poly and Poly? Coverup for Cheating

cutepilots 05-13-2012 04:58 PM

I agree
Thank you for your thoughts. I do agree that enabling cheating is wrong. I feel more comfortable hearing another persons similar thoughts. thank you. I do feel my husband does tend to justify that its not his relationship and therefore does not take responsibility. However, I feel it very uncomfortable. Thank you. I will stick to my guns. Truly sorry for the rant last night, but greatly appreciate the thoughts. I have been poly for many years and just never knew it. But one thing I wont tolerate is intimacy thats not inclusive to all those involved. Sometimes just having a place to vent actually helps you to come to your own conclusion :)

I did talk to my hubby this morning and he agreed what he was thinking was wrong to enable cheating. he agreed it better to not have the temptation around; and so we will be stopping one piece of our life and moving onto a better one for all.

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