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-   -   Mono crushing on poly (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23621)

WonderingSue 05-12-2012 02:11 PM

Mono crushing on poly
I've been reading and have learned a lot about being poly, communication, honesty from this and other websites, but still am having a hard time taking action.

A little about me: gay female, previously mono but open to poly, vanilla. I met a woman on OKCupid over a year ago who identifies as genderqueer and kinky. Although we never dated, we became friends-I see her about twice a month for friend activities.

I am still not dating while she has several lovers in various parts of the country. I've developed a crush on her and am not sure how to proceed. I am intimidated by the kinky aspects. She has also said she'd dated monos in the past and is not into doing that again-too much drama. I know it's my own insecurities holding me back from telling her my feelings but I also don't want to affect our relationship if, deep down, I know we would be incompatible. How would you breach this with her, if you do at all? Thanks for any insights. Sue

DarayTala 05-12-2012 02:24 PM

Well, it sounds like you are worried about both how to tell her, and what will happen if you do. As far as how, personally, I'd just be honest. I would start with mentioning that you have been researching polyamory and have begun to believe you might be able to live that sort of lifestyle and want to try it out. Once you've discussed that a bit more and she realizes it wouldn't be 'the dramatastic dating of a mono person', then bring up your feelings. I'd say just be blunt, let her know that overtime you've come to care for her more and you want to see if a relationship could work.

As for as your worries about things be awkward after, they are only awkward if you make them so. There is nothing that says rejection or a failed relationship has to ruin a friendship at all, and it shouldn't if you don't want it to. Make sure to let her know up front that you value her friendship very strongly, and take things slowly emotionally in transitioning to a relationship. If it doesn't work out, just don't be awkward. Force yourself to act normal and like everything is as it was before, and things will be fine. Its people always worrying and making a big deal out of little things that makes awkwardness happen. Even if you feel strange, act natural, and things will get back to normal pretty quick.

nycindie 05-12-2012 07:38 PM

How about, in a relaxed way, you just tell it like it is? "I have a crush on you and don't know what to do about it."

WonderingSue 05-14-2012 01:19 PM

Thank you for the suggestions, Daraya and Cindie.

I think she knows that I have a crush but she is somewhat shy and submissive. I'm afraid I'll have to take the initiative but that's intimidating. She is just so much more experienced than me, and I have fear of rejection issues. Daraya, I do think that I worry too much about what might happen.

I think I read on here (RP?) to enjoy a crush; that there is no need to do anything about it. If only I could learn how to do that! Thanks again.

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