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-   -   Me out to parents didn't go well (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23608)

Jjkd 05-10-2012 11:13 PM

Me out to parents didn't go well
So a little background I'm happily married for about 7 years and have a 3 year old baby girl. Me and my wife decided to become poly I'd say a little over 6 months ago and it has been going very well for us. I'm military do I'm far from where I grew up and my parents decided to come visit. I wanted to tell them in person when they got ere. Since then they have closed off and wish to complete ignore the fact and act like I never said it. My dads reaction wasn't bad he asked questions and didn't agree but that's ok he want to know about and talked to me. My mother jut flipped her shit I didnt get a word in edge wise after breaking the news and now thinks I'm in an open relationship and just pisses me off that she doesnt even let me talk about it. Anyways that's all it still going on and just felt the need to vent thanks for listening.

ThatGirlInGray 05-10-2012 11:36 PM

:( My mom flipped her shit 15 years ago when I came out as bi, so I still haven't told her about being poly, even though I've been happily married for almost 12 years and been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half of that. My parents could get away with ignoring my sexuality because I was never serious enough about a girl to bring one home, but they're not going to be able to ignore my partner once he moves here. And I have two kids and refuse to lie to them or ask them to keep a "secret" from their grandparents, so I'll have to bite the bullet and do what you did sort of soon. I hope it gets better for you.

Jjkd 05-11-2012 12:02 AM

It's not fun I don't wan to lie to my parents and they acted confused on why I had to tell them about t like it wasn't something thy needed to know. Granted right now I'm not serious wih a second partner but one day me and my wife both hope to have other serious life partners and then thy won't be able to ignore it. Also in fixed and my wife has talked to me about having a kid with a second partner and ts something I'm very open to. I can only imagine the hit thu would flip when their steral son has a second baby in the family from a 3 member. I guess I can only be glad they live on the other side of the US now.

DarayTala 05-11-2012 04:48 AM

Give it time honestly. My mother is the only person I came out to who didn't react well initially, she thought it was just an attempt to sleep around and that it was unfair to my now-fiance. She believed even though she barely knew him at the time that he was okay-ing it just to placate me and secretly hated it and so on. She also didn't believe I understood what love really was because I wanted that.

I gave a long winded rant about what I believed love was which at least got her to stop trying to convince me I was too immature to really be in love. She then saw my relationship with my now-fiance grow and saw how in love we were. Once I became serious with another partner about a year later, I mentioned her in casual conversation as my partner, and my mother was very surprised, she had thought because my relationship with my fiance was so strong, that I had dropped the whole poly nonsense. It was a big eye opener for her to see that we could have a very happy functioning poly relationship. She then met my girlfriend and absolutely adored her. Since then, while she doesn't personally agree with my lifestyle, she accepts it fully and is very happy to hear about and meet new partners. My whole poly family is invited down for holidays and my parents have never been negative about my lifestyle since or asked me to hide it from their friends or the rest of our family. I believe what really made the difference for her was seeing with her own eyes that it worked, and how truly happy and in love we all were. Once she saw that and it blew her assumptions out of the water, she was happy to accept it as a legitimate and ethical lifestyle.

So don't worry, its normal to have negative reactions initially. Be honest, without pushing your lifestyle on them. As your mother sees over time that it isn't going to go away, then she may be more likely to ask questions and try to understand. Also, she may never really want to know details, but hopefully when she sees you are happy and have healthy functioning relationships, she will at least become more accepting and supportive of your choices.

RfromRMC 05-11-2012 01:29 PM

Sorry to hear the reaction did not go well. Hopefully they will get used to the idea with time.

What amazes me is that you told them before actually having a second partner. My hat off to you for the guts you've got. I never actually told anyone in my family a thing about poly...I figured it was too complicated for them. When I had two ongoing partners, they of course eventually found out but I kinda just framed it in a different way of "yes I'm seeing them both" and left it at that to keep it simple.

Other than a gay uncle I got, I don't think I could ever talk about the p-word to any family. But kudos to you for going there!

Windstar 05-11-2012 02:07 PM

in my limited experience of broaching the poly topic with my mother, it seemed like it was much more about her ideas and pre-conceived notions and programming than it was about what was actually happening.

That is to say that perhaps you simply touched on some deeply rooted programming in your mother that sent her off the deep end. For example, if you've been taught since you were newly born that to have an additional partner is a sin against God, then your son telling you he's going to do that consciously publicly and honestly could make you "lose it"

99% of the people in the world with multiple relationships just do it by lying, concealing, and cheating. By denying the reality of it, they save public face and dont have to deal with the consequences of lying to their main partner. Just do it behind their back, and dont let anyone know about it, especially your parents. I think thats because most people dont have the character and communication skills necessary to do it "right"

So it's too bad it didn't go well telling your mother, but it's not unexpected. Parents are an older generation, and thoughts and language and concepts change over time. A key element here is to believe in yourself enough that her freaking out doesn't make you second guess yourself and your choices.

good luck!

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