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-   -   Is it just me, or is this becoming more about sex only? (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=23598)

CielDuMatin 05-10-2012 03:43 PM

Is it just me, or is this becoming more about sex only?
 
Please tell me this is just me, if it is...

It seems like more and more folks are posting on various poly boards talking about the "relationship primarily for sex, and maybe with other feelings". My understanding was that this was swinging, not poly, which (I thought) focused more on the total relationship, rather than just the sex).

I am finding that I can relate to less and less posts on these boards because of this. I don't have a problem with swinging at all - it's just not something that interests me, or that I can relate to in any way. Is this a trend that is the way we are going - to merging swinging with polyamory, or do we feel that they are two different takes on responsible non-monogamy that each need their own resources?

Mya 05-10-2012 05:01 PM

I am both poly and open, so these two aren't really separable in my own life. For example in my blog I write about my two relationships that include love, commitment and all that. But I also write about my FWB who I don't love or have a serious relationship with. Both of these things are present in my life so I don't feel like I should only write about the serious relationships here and find another forum to write about my FWB.

Could you give some examples of topics here that you find aren't really related to poly?

CielDuMatin 05-10-2012 05:20 PM

Mya, I really don't like to single anyone out, I guess.

This is more a question of whether we are, de facto, changing the definition of poly to include this type of relationship model. Because if we are, then I am going to have to add a whole 'nother set of questions to folks during the "getting to know what type of poly person you are" discussion.

I do know that there are a lot of folks who have overlapping interests, and I am certainly not trying to cast any aspersions on that.

Maybe this is just me being curmudgeonly (and that's not beyond the bounds of possibility, given my life right now), maybe not - was just looking for some feedback...

Mya 05-10-2012 05:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 135557)
Mya, I really don't like to single anyone out, I guess.

Okay, so you were talking about individual situations where people seek help? I though you were talking about general discussions here, which I think revolve mostly around relationship stuff. There are sex topics as well, but sex is usually a part of romantic relationships, so I think that is as good a topic as any other area of relationships.

Quote:

Originally Posted by CielDuMatin (Post 135557)
This is more a question of whether we are, de facto, changing the definition of poly to include this type of relationship model. Because if we are, then I am going to have to add a whole 'nother set of questions to folks during the "getting to know what type of poly person you are" discussion.

I do think that the definition of polyamory includes love and I wouldn't come here only writing about purely sexual relationships. It's just that these two aren't always very easy to separate. I can only talk about myself here but since I know I am capable of loving more than one, there's no way of knowing what happens with my FWB feelings-wise. Also, open relationships can cause very similar feelings for example to a person whose partner has another partner, even though that other partner is only sexual.

CielDuMatin 05-10-2012 06:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mya (Post 135562)
Okay, so you were talking about individual situations where people seek help? I though you were talking about general discussions here, which I think revolve mostly around relationship stuff. There are sex topics as well, but sex is usually a part of romantic relationships, so I think that is as good a topic as any other area of relationships.

Yeah, it's often people looking for help, or even in the personals section.

I agree that there are always going to be sexual discussions around relationships, but there seem to be a load of people who post a "poly" question where the scope of the question seems to have to do with sex-only relationships...

Like I said, it's probably me, and I'm probably way off-base. Based on your response, and the lack of response from anyone else, it's more than likely just me...

km34 05-10-2012 06:36 PM

I've noticed a lot of sex-focused threads, but I'm not sure if it's because the relationships are sex-focused or if the problems arise around sex. I suspect the latter.

Phy 05-10-2012 06:41 PM

No, this isn't just you. I got the same feeling, but it was kind of always there since I discovered the site. There seem to be many who include relationships, mainly based on sexual encounters into their definition of poly. I never understood that but it was somehow 'the other side of the scale' if this makes sense. Some people (for example) do have 'relationships' I personally would never call anything like that, but that is again just my preference and my way of defining what a relationship is. There seem to be some kind of 'poly' I wouldn't personally call poly myself. For me, a relationship based on sex does clearly belong to the swinging department.

Tonberry 05-10-2012 08:45 PM

I think there are more people interested in or wired for swinging than poly, and now that more awareness is arising about poly, they are probably simply eager to talk to other non-monogamous folks. They might not be aware of the amount of variety in the non-mono world, or that swinging might work better for them, for instance.

A lot of the advice stays pertinent, I believe, and I like the idea of being inclusive, so I don't have a problem with a lot of threads about sex, but I can understand that you don't relate much to them. That's okay, other people will, as poly and swinging are not mutually exclusive. I usually simply avoid giving advice if I really have nothing to say.

km34 05-10-2012 09:15 PM

Most swingers feel like anything that isn't purely NSA (for example - a couple forming an exclusive, long lasting sexual relationship with another couple even if it isn't loving or even based on friendship) isn't swinging. Also, swinging tends to be VERY couple-centric so solo people don't tend to get much support in difficult situations.

Just a couple of reasons people some on here would consider swingers may relate more to polyfolk than self-proclaimed swingers. :)

There is this weird space between what swingers call swinging and what poly people call poly, and I think that's where a lot of the topics that some don't relate to on here come from. I fell in that space for a few months.

RedSalamander 05-10-2012 09:41 PM

I identify with Mya, because I have relationships with some partners that are definitely full, romantic love relationships, and I have other relationships that are much more like FWB.

Like km34, I feel like I fall into a zone in-between polyamory and swinging, but I self-identify as poly *because* I am open to deep emotional attachments, and I kind of feel that swingers are, by definition, not. In fact, I think the attachments make the relationships better, and there are a couple of FWB that I hope turn into something greater over time.

So, I think the topics centered around sex might be coming mainly from poly people who are also trying to manage some FWB on the side?


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